A Resilient Life

I started reading a book the other day, interestingly enough (to me at least) I've been far more productive this week by taking time to read something refreshing aside from and along with Scripture than I had been in the weeks previous without doing so. The book is called A Resilient Life by a man named Gordon MacDonald about practices and concepts that are helpful towards resiliency in life, especially a Christian walk.
I had not previously heard of MacDonald, though strangely enough I've had this book on my book shelf for a few years now and have never picked it up aside from purchasing it some time ago. I am not exactly sure when it may have been though my best guess would place it at a Christian book store in Red Deer, Alberta roughly 3 and a half years ago while in the midst of a life transition I thought it could be useful...so here I am some years later taking a look through it and discovering some interesting things both about the topic and the author himself.
MacDonald is a few generations ahead of me, actually probably about a generation before that of my father's so he just escapes the "baby boom" generation (that's a topic for another time). This isn't a book review or anything, I just find some of what I've been reading interesting in light of MacDonald's own life journey and some of his perspectives. I remember reading Wild at Heart a few years back when it was the talk of the evangelical Christian world of men. I was finishing up some (albeit not so good) work at a church after my final year of Bible college before moving on to a new adventure of pastoral leadership in a small Saskatchewan town. Life was in turmoil to a degree and I found comforting and challenging words from John Eldredge, but similarly I sat in discomfort as well as I read. I find this to be a recurrence this week with MacDonald's musings. He's of a very different generation than I and there are ideals he describes which I am not extremely comfortable with agreeing to. Mainly some of what is portrayed as a "rest is for wimps" kind of mentality that you may find prominent of some Christian circles past. I do recognize that he is not expressly saying this as truth, but there are certainly undertones of a grievance of lost work ethic in younger generations. Again, not a book review, just expression of thoughts as I've been reading.
MacDonald certainly has a lifetime of insight to offer on such a topic of resilience and has had the misfortune of a public moral failure to add to it. Some may (and have, judging by some reviews read online) write off a person like MacDonald whose high profile ministry career had been torn apart by his adultery. This really is a story of resilience, however, because he has been in essence "nursed back to health" by a group of committed people who exercised the love of Christ and effectively helped to restore this man from his brokenness and walked with him and his family through the turmoil of it all.
I don't know much about the situation just described but I do know that this is a reality in life. Hopefully it's not something that is praised by any means, but to face such horrific disaster in one's life...to own it and walk head on into the fire storm for the sake of renewal is commendable to me. It also allows me to learn some wisdom from a man who's "been to hell and back" so to speak. He'd gone so far down the path of least resistance that he could no longer see straight and has had to claw his way back and by the grace of God has found just that...grace. Not that this is my experience per se, but such an extreme example gives me hope.
Resilience, to bounce back in a way. To fall, fail, drop, collapse under the pressure of life, be destroyed by circumstance either chosen or imposed and to chose to stand up and keep walking through it. To face adversity with determination, to be pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. I think this is what a life of faith looks like. Unfortunately sometimes a lack of faith can be the cause of the collapse under pressure, but restored faith and the practice of spiritual discipline can be what begins to bring one back.
I wonder how many know what forgiveness feels like. To be in a position where someone has every right to despise or reject them but to be looked in the eye and hear the words "you are forgiven". How many Christians really know the weight of this concept? It is, after all, the crux on which many of us base our beliefs that Jesus died for this very purpose (simply put) and rose from the dead for life. All that to say, if one really experiences forgiveness, sees the core of that mean then we can all become agents for a resilient life. Once you've known forgiveness, release of a debt you owe, you can really only then become an encourager of resilience for others. Just what MacDonald has become.
It's interesting that I picked this book up this week as I'm preaching this Sunday and had been considering two women in Mark, a poor widow who gives all her money and a woman who pours out expensive perfume on Jesus' head. These two women pour themselves out for the sake of others in their individual circumstance, just like Jesus was about to do (both of these events occurred in the days previous to his crucifixion). Resilience requires emptying oneself for the sake of others. This isn't just confession to be absolved of sin and it's not just the matter of bouncing back, it is these things but more than that. One can be resilient without having sinned, of course, something may be inflicted or circumstance may call for one to climb back after a hard hit. One can be resilient by taking responsibility for malicious actions and facing the onslaught of marauders who want nothing more than what they feel is "JUSTICE" though their picture of justice is rather skewed.
More than any of this I think that a resilient nature requires one to be an encourager of resilience in others, a facilitator of it one might say. When you take on the task of walking with someone who needs to "bounce back" and perhaps is trying to but is not given a chance by others, you are in fact personifying resiliency, you are personifying Christ the ultimate example of it.
A thought struck me yesterday, however minute it may seem for some it was a remarkable moment for me: I can treat this time as sabbatical. I am unemployed, in a new place, seemingly desperate to work and unable to do so because of the market or what have you, but I am afforded the opportunity to study in these days. Why it hadn't struck me sooner is a mystery, perhaps because I have been absorbed by the situation and not able to gain much perspective beyond my "closet", is beyond me. But it has struck me nonetheless, I am taking some classes and I have time to learn in between looking for work and writing sermons and volunteering elsewhere. Why not dive into Scripture? Why not dig up some old treasures of books long gone dusty? Why not look for ways to grow and to nourish and to discover the call of God on my life (once again)? Why not take advantage of a hopefully relatively brief moment in time where I am afforded the opportunity to bask in the presence of the Almighty God to glean from him what I can in preparation for what is coming...developing resilience for the future and learning lessons for today.
I may not always sit comfortably as I read this book (just like Wild at Heart) but that's a good thing, it keeps me sharp and makes me aware of those things in me that need a little smoothing out.

Days Go By

Time flies when you're doing nothing.That's how it feels sometimes, though it may not be the reality of the situation. I am by no means overrun with things to do, but I am similarly not completely static.

What's your experience/perception of unemployment?

I have to be honest, I've had some relatively narrow opinions of those who aren't working. Perhaps that's even part of the battle right now as I sit in this space of not being able to secure a regular position. It's a bit of a frustrating space, it seems that the kinds of jobs I could get are literally not worth my time right now simply because employment insurance pays more than they would, for now. I could look at the situation and say "it's ok because I'm a student" *part time* or "it's a tough market" *so what?* or something else but the truth of the matter is that I need to recognize that it's simply beyond my control.

I don't like not having control and I'm sure you can understand the feeling. In light of recent events I've been discovering that the idea of "control" is really just an illusion that we all like to hold onto. How much can you really control in your life? Think about it...really how much? I know this isn't a new thought, but it's particularly relevant to me right now. What is your life? It is a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes (James 4:14). Or to quote a cult classic, "all we are is dust in the wind dude...dust...wind...dude." We think we have everything under control, but we really just think it, it's not actually what is happening. I don't think this is a bad thing at all though, and any number sermons that you could google would point out that it's Biblically accurate, relinquishing our illusion of control to God is what is best cause he knows best.

That's not the only reason I don't think it's a bad thing. I think me/us not being in control of everything is a good way to keep us grounded, keep us sane, tied to the nature of Christ in us. There are little hints here and there in life to bring us back, to break the illusion that we have it all in our grasp. Sometimes the "little" hints don't seem so "little" but let's be honest, if I'm still waking up in the morning it can't be as horrible as I might think. Some things really are devastating, but there is still life to live beyond those circumstances. Some things only seem devastating, but bubbling beneath the surface is a tremendous new experience or opportunity that is just waiting for the right time to appear, almost like God had something in mind the whole time. I want to believe that, so I need to choose to.

I sat down yesterday in a counselling office, it's been a few years since doing something like that. If you ever need a reality check, it's a good thing to do sometimes. There have been a number of reality checks for me this week, I can be a scary beast when I isolate and I have a tendency to do so in a new place. This is a new experience for me, however, because it is not just me now and how I am directly affects the one I care about most. Reality Check: no man is an island and I am no exception. Reality Check: I am not a victim of circumstance but I do not have control over much of what happens in life, I can control myself and that's where I need to focus. Reality Check: Running to God is much better than running from him, when you know you're built for something you should accept that and lean into it. I'm still learning how.

There's some jumbled thoughts from a tired mind.

Something different I suppose

Here's the manuscript from the sermon I gave on Sunday at church. John 10, pretty good passage:

Have you been a bandwagon jumper? I know I sure have, in fact, unfortunately I might need to confess that I still am at times. I can get so easily excited about something for a little while and then completely lose interest once it’s run its course, I have no use left for it, or there’s another wagon for me to jump onto across the street.

I can think of a number of these kinds of things and I think it tends to be how our society operates on a large scale as well. How about some examples…flock of seagulls haircut, the backstreet boys (or for those who might be a little bit older, the bee gees), bell bottoms (though they came back), delorians, and of course…the internet, cause it’s just a fad.

Well one of those bandwagons that I at one point jumped onto and then subsequently fell off of was blogging. This is one that I’d like to take up again actually because it had tremendous benefit and it was kinda fun to have other people’s takes on my thoughts. Trying to come up with some things to say today, I went back to my blog from 5 or 6 years ago when I was a pastor because I was thinking about Cam diving into youth ministry and remembering how it felt at first.

I was also thinking a lot about the theme verse on which Cam is basing much of his ministry, well, in a sense anyway. It’s the words of the verse and the truth it entails that spurs him on and I think it’s something to take note of, John 10:10 “A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of” from the message. Or “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Going back to the blog thing, if you’ll humour me, here’s one that I wrote on:

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Mediocrity is a comfortable prison

I feel imprisoned right now. That's the honest truth. Imprisoned by the ease of mediocrity.
There is so much potential that God has placed within me and I know He longs to make me fly in that potential and reach pretty huge heights. What that might look like is another story that I don't know the middle or the end to, but I have a feeling I know the beginning.
Perhaps God's stirring something within me to break free from said prison and bust away from any sort of mediocre lifestyle that just doesn't fulfil.
Jesus promises abundant life. Am I there? I'm not so sure that I am entirely. Do I see glimpses of it? Absolutely. Do I long for more? Yup, sure do. Am I saved by the blood of the Lamb? You bet I am and I'm so thankful for it.
There's something more though. There's a satisfaction in life that Jesus provides that I don't always experience. Contentment is what most people seem to call it, and I'm just not there.
I wrestle with thoughts that I've had many times in years past of, as Paul describes, "being content in any and every situation." If you've read any of my blogs you've noticed that I'm not married and I don't like that. That's not contentment! Does contentment mean that I settle for my current situation? Not in the least! It means I recognize my current situation as being where God has placed me and I find joy in Him, not in searching for what I don't have!
But there are aspects of life that I believe God wants us to be unsettled about. He wants us to feel unsettled over unsaved people, poverty, affluence, mediocrity, stagnance, etc. I shouldn't just settle for a life of second best, a life that doesn't change, a heart that isn't constantly broken for the people around me. I shouldn't settle for just getting things done, they should be done well. I shouldn't settle for last minute efforts to be prepared for wednesday night youth ministry, I should be well ahead and well prepared so that I don't disappoint the people who need to hear the truth.
I shouldn't settle for ideas that come to mind about how to strive for purity, how to help those around me, how to share Jesus with other people, only to write them down on a piece of paper and file them away along with the rest. Non-action plans just don't cut it. And if all of these things are being settled for in my life, then I'm too comfortable.
There's too much that isn't happening that could be and should be. An action plan doesn't go anywhere without the "action."
For far too long I've settled for the ease of mediocrity all the while not realizing that it's really a prison that people get trapped in. As a prisoner wants to be out of his jail cell so I should long to be as far away from a mediocre life as possible. But not only long for it, work towards it.
Can I do such a thing on my own? I think many lives, including my own, would testify that it's not something I can do myself. I need others to push me forward, I need God to pull me up out of the quick sand. Do I know the "action" steps that need to be taken? I'm not sure that I do right now and that is certainly unsettling, but do I need to take action? Yes, I do.
Will I? I most certainly intend to, but succeeding in such a track will only come from God.
Will it just happen if I don't do anything? Not likely.
I think it's time to be unsettled. I'm feeling it right now, it's only begun to stir recently, a hungry heart growls like an empty stomach. There's a longing for more, my heart is saying "more food, less garbage." A broken heart, that's what I want. Not in the normal way, that's been done before, a new kind of broken heart. One the spurs on toward love and good deeds. A heart that longs to see people come to Jesus, that would do anything to see that. A heart that doesn't settle for just existing, for just getting things done, but one that strives to excel in everything and to experience the abundant life Christ offers.
That's what's on my heart today.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned over time, in my illustrious long life and experience with youth ministry, ministry and life as a believer in general it’s that regardless of what I try or do, it’s Jesus who provides. If we look at the greater context of this verse there are two major ways that Jesus describes himself and they are definitely worth paying attention to for all of us.

1)      Jesus the Gate

The first way that Jesus describes himself in this shepherding metaphor is as the Gate. “I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. ¹⁰ The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

There’s a couple things to note about this image of Jesus as the gate. I can’t get the image of a swinging gate out of my mind when I read this, mainly just because I’m a visual thinker and when I think of sheep I think back to my childhood visiting my Aunt’s sheep farm. They had pastures and gates the swung open. But here imagine a stone wall of sorts, likely topped with thorns or some kind of prickly plant to try to keep thing out and to funnel the sheep through the gate. Now the “gate” is the shepherd himself, who would plant himself at the opening to monitor everything from the proper vantage point.

Notice Jesus mentions how the sheep are free to come and go, to find pasture…as long as it’s through the gate. Think this is something to pay attention to for the full life he’s talking about, but we’ll get to that a bit later.

The other important thing to note is that the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Going with the image of the fence, the thief is the sneaky one, trying to climb over the fence when the shepherd’s not paying attention. Scattering the sheep. So the question to think about here is what kinds of thieves do you face on a regular basis? What thieves are trying to scatter people away from knowing the voice of the Shepherd in Esquimalt?

If we’re the representatives of Christ in our world, we need to pay attention to those things not only around us but that can potentially distract us from knowing the shepherd’s voice. What are the thieves around us, and how can we point people back to Jesus?

2)      Jesus the Good Shepherd

^11-13"I am the Good Shepherd. The Good Shepherd puts the sheep before himself, sacrifices himself if necessary. A hired man is not a real shepherd. The sheep mean nothing to him. He sees a wolf come and runs for it, leaving the sheep to be ravaged and scattered by the wolf. He's only in it for the money. The sheep don't matter to him. ^14-18"I am the Good Shepherd. I know my own sheep and my own sheep know me. In the same way, the Father knows me and I know the Father. I put the sheep before myself, sacrificing myself if necessary.”

Known by Christ, knowing Christ. Recognizing his voice requires a deep knowledge of what he sounds like, who he is. It’s like a child knowing the voice of her mom or dad, there’s comfort and rest in knowing your parent is near. Jesus makes sure to point out that he knows his sheep, he knows his people, he knows each person who is under his care. There’s some fullness right there, being known by the Shepherd, not neglected and not just a number.

Sacrifice is another key element that Jesus mentions here too. We know that Jesus has made that sacrifice, taking our weight of sin on him for the sake of our freedom. It’s also something that we need to be aware of for ourselves, because just like Peter in chapter 21, Jesus has some words for us as we seek to follow him.

John 21:15-19.

¹⁵After breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?"

   "Yes, Master, you know I love you."

   Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

 ¹⁶He then asked a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?"

   "Yes, Master, you know I love you."

   Jesus said, "Shepherd my sheep."

 ^17-19Then he said it a third time: "Simon, son of John, do you love me?"

   Peter was upset that he asked for the third time, "Do you love me?" so he answered, "Master, you know everything there is to know. You've got to know that I love you."

   Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I'm telling you the very truth now: When you were young you dressed yourself and went wherever you wished, but when you get old you'll have to stretch out your hands while someone else dresses you and takes you where you don't want to go." He said this to hint at the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. And then he commanded, "Follow me."

Jesus’ commissioning of Peter is a commission to us as well. Jesus is the ultimate Good Shepherd, but we need to shepherd, feed, look after the sheep. Bring more along, point them to the Good Shepherd but why? All for what?

Abundant life:

Going back to that blog post I read, I think it’s important to recognize that Jesus didn’t do it all so that we can be comfortable, he said it himself, he came so that we can have abundant life, full life not mediocre, not basic, but FULL life. I think this “full life” means a number of things but here’s a few that stood out to me:

1)      Freedom, from sin. Salvation is much more than just a transaction, it’s a call to action as well, a call to live the way Jesus showed us to because now we have the freedom to! Just like Paul reiterated in Galatians 5: ^13-15”It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom.”

2)      Spilling over life, not just existing (sustenance). This kind of life is contagious, it’s the kind of thing that other people see and want to have a part in. This goes beyond just living, doing the everyday thing, to relying on the Good Shepherd for the things you need. Resting in the comfort of his care and following his lead through dark or tricky territory to find that pasture where he’s taking you. This kind of life has us looking towards the shepherd/leader and paying no attention to the danger around, relying on his sustaining presence to get us there. This kind of life might look somewhat crazy or frightening to those who don’t get it, but it’s the kind of life worth living.

3)      Eternity. Abundance also means that it will never end, this vibrant existence that Jesus provides us now in this life will be that much more full, spilling over, when all is said and done. The knowledge of eternity is a huge aspect of living abundantly now… if God is for us, who can be against us?

So what? I leave you with a question that I ask myself continuously…are you living abundantly? The Jesus kind of abundant? Depending on your answer to this question there are different ways to approach it. Ultimately, the way to this life is Jesus, he said it and he did it. He went to the cross to make this abundance possible, so if we are in need of it then the answer is Jesus. Dig into Scripture, find out for yourself who Jesus is and discover how to live abundantly. It’s only through him that we can live so freely, but not to just go and do whatever we feel like, to serve one another in love.

I think that’s what we’re here for at Harbourview. I also think that’s what Cam and Candace are here to do for youth in Esquimalt. To love people, introduce them to Jesus and walk with them as our lives explode with fullness in Jesus. 

Renewal

It's Friday night and I am at home on my couch, by myself. How lame is that? My gorgeous wife is out with a friend tonight and I am somehow charged with bringing a message at church on Sunday morning so I am here thinking, praying, and reflecting on some things. Believe it or not this provides context for me to write another blog post and to declare that I will begin trying to be more regular with posting.

The reasons for me to write here again are twofold:

1) The last 6 months or so have been quite the challenge and I think it good to explore my thoughts in writing, with the accountability of other people possibly reading my words (it's more insightful that way...hopefully). AND
2) I kinda miss it.

It is the "sermon" or "message" for this Sunday that brought me back to some posts from years ago when I was pastoring in Saskatchewan. Strangely enough, I am not a pastor now but these last number of months have been pivotal in my returning to church speaking. This weekend marks the first time since I was a pastor...some 4 years ago. The old shelves are dusty one might say.

In the process of digging out the treasures that are hidden in this jar of clay (which are still yet to be discovered I think), God has been working to restore some desires in me, like preaching/teaching and perhaps even consider vocational ministry again. It's interesting how this really rough transition to a new place would bring those desires to the surface and I can honestly say it's not just because my confidence has been shaken with being neglected for job opportunities. It is a real desire to serve in ways that I know I can and I know God has called me. Truth be told, I have not been super fond of the Big Guy in recent months, mostly because of the aforementioned lack of employment but even in the midst of roughness there is a woodworker bringing out the sand paper to make these edges smooth. I am looking forward to what is ahead and really do hope that some of it will involve a pay-cheque (for any American stragglers, that's paycheck), but even if it doesn't, I do know that what God is building in me in the meantime will be lasting and most certainly good.

That will be it for now, the wife is coming home and bringing someone with her so I best be off to put some clothes on. However, these days I tend to have quite a bit of time on my hands even with applying for jobs, doing school work, volunteering and anything else I may find to fill my days. That in mind I will return to this place again, hopefully sooner than later, and will continue to tell the story of a life that is in the midst of resurrection...in more ways than one.

no title comes to mind

I awoke from a dream as if some strange sense of reality had hit while I was asleep and my mind could not contain it any longer. There's a lot to ponder these days (and nights apparently) with changes arising yet again like a mountain stream in spring, it seems natural for spring to bring change I suppose. A year ago today I was enjoying the first night of slumber with my brand new wife and now I sit awake as she enjoys her sleep, thinking of the happiness and swift growth she has brought to this once dusty soil.

I can think back and say that God really has put us together because we really are better together than we were alone, isn't that the way it's supposed to be with marriage? The contributions of the two should vastly outweigh that which one could once muster. I see this happening, but I also see tremendous potential in what could be as a result of this pairing that has truly come from God. I fear that I don't always live up to what I know is necessary as a husband, even so briefly into being one, when it comes to leading or sparking fires that should be lit as we go about our day to day. I want to be worthy of this gift of love that God has blessed me with and I don't think I'm always living up to it. Insecurity I suppose, that which has plagued me for centuries (were I immortal I'm sure it would be the case) has carried on into this thing that many of us in the Christian world see as the central part of existence on earth. Marriage that is.

I remember dreaming of the day when I would no longer wonder what the face staring back at me would look like as I stood in front of family and friends to make that commitment. Of course now I see how beautiful she is, how kind and loving, truly breathtaking. But as I would picture being married (who knew that men would dream of such things, like a little girl might) I would have the naive belief that all things would change after that point. No longer would I be the insecure little child inside, no longer would the negative things that once held on be able to keep me in their grasp. While there may be some truth to it, ultimately it's not a woman (no matter how splendid as she certainly is) that can change a man's heart. I understand this, I know Christ makes the difference. I also know he uses people to see to his glorious work, without them even knowing it. This has all happened, indeed much has changed about me in all realms of life: physically, emotionally, spiritually. But as I reflect on things that can make me squirm a little, those old tendencies begin to crawl and produce more squirming than I would choose at times.

You see, while I have experience a great deal of change over the course of time, one thing has remained the same since I left the nest some 10 years ago...upheaval. Yes with spring comes new life and growth, buds on trees (I hear it is happening in some places, yet to see it here), new babies in the animal kingdom, and often times a new sense of life for those who have endured a long winter as if in autopilot not unlike a bear in hibernation. Also with spring it seems comes a new sense of adventure and for me, a move from one place (be it a house or a city) to another. It has been a tiring 10 years for me in this way because as I consider the number of places I have lived and the number of times I have moved either near or far, I believe the total is 13 homes in 10 years. The longest stretch in one home for me has been the latest and it will have been 14 months when all is said and done.

Yet again this spring the winds of change are blowing strong and soon 13 moves will become 14 and shortly thereafter 15. We're moving to a new location, a new settlement for myself but also for Amanda. Although she will be very familiar with her surrounding as it will be her home territory, it will be a new experience for her as a married woman seeking to find a nest where she can finally set up shop for the long haul. For me it will be a new place entirely, though quite familiar as a visitor I will be an unfamiliar resident. It's a move for family as we consider the future of our potential family, should we be so blessed. It's also a move for life as we seek to be better stewards of this creation that has been so brutally treated. A move for possible career paths as I embark on a new adventure in education and training for something that I feel compelled to study and hopefully continue to build on professional experience. It's also a bit of a move for sanity as the big city wears on these small town souls.

While there are many great things to look forward to with the newness that arises, I can't help but face intimidation as there are certainly unknowns that accompany the adventure. Where will we live after move # 15? What will life look like in a place that one of us knows well but the other can barely picture? What jobs will we find that we can continue with over time? Will I succeed with a Masters degree in a discipline that is not my previous area of study? Will I be able to support a family, should it come in the next few years? Will I end well where I am now (recognizing it is not my strong suit)? Will I feel more isolated than ever before? Will I build new relationships? Will I be able keep some old ones? Do I have anything to contribute? Is it the wrong choice?

The questions don't overwhelm me, they simply arise on occasion as a reminder that I do not control the outcome of life. I know the Creator maintains the world as His own, and nothing continues without His permission (to a point anyway), and I know that the notion of "call" is much broader than I once thought. The call on me and you is to preach Christ crucified, share in the resurrection and make it known to others through compassion and love by how we live and treat other people. My purpose is to testify to power of God's love that can make a vastly obese, insecure and depressed single pastor into a healthy husband who stands only by the strength of Christ in me to walk daily in a way that influences the beautiful gift of a wife He has given me and hopefully as a pair to influence the world around us. I see Christ in Amanda, in how she treats me and those she meets throughout her life. I want to see that in me and it has come to my attention that regardless of what I do vocationally, the call remains the same to be Christ in word and deed to everyone around me. No longer am I defined by a title or held down by a notion that comes from tradition more than truth that I must hold a certain "title" to be "where God wants me". That's a story for another time, perhaps in about a year when I sit down to write another entry.

Regardless of what's next for us, though it is exciting and slightly scary all in one, my biggest concern right now is to not leave poorly. To remain where I am while I am here and to try to discover a way to live where I live and not where I am not. I realize that I have an abrupt nature at times and this comes out especially when I am "moving on" because simply don't know how to approach that type of situation. Where emotion can run high because of the positive influence that others have had but I may be afraid to make it known. I will miss many people here, but I fear that they won't miss me (the insecurity shows itself again) because I have caused them to no longer want to.

I suppose it is part of the journey of life, when healing occurs there is something else that will surface that requires more healing. While I have once dealt with living in the past, thinking upon memories as better times, and neglecting the present. Perhaps now will be the time to face this struggle of not living in a picture of things to come while leaving the present behind too early.

I awoke from a dream that caused me to ponder, hopefully I can return to slumber having done so for now.