Monday, March 26, 2007

my utmost apologies

I have seriously neglected my blog recently. I guess truth be told I haven't really felt like I've had much to contribute, my mind has not been working in the ways that it once did. I haven't really been pondering philosophy/theology nearly as much as I used to, nor have I done so nearly enough.
perhaps I should spend some quality time on the toilet, or set myself up with an epiphany toilet like that of the Janitor on Scrubs in season 3 (yes, I know the season, and episode number- 3, 15) where I can go to escape the rush of the everyday crapper and relax enough to think.
But I guess even beyond not thinking much, I have not spent the time I need and want to spend in prayer and Scripture reading.
I suppose that's something I can reflect on at the moment. How do you maintain a structured pattern when you don't really have structure and you suck at building it. Yes, I know that it's true that you will make a priority of what is important to you and if you don't make God a priority then He must not be important to you....
Well bear with me for a moment here as I exercise these thoughts a little. Is it not possible for someone to be important to you but you feel helpless to make the effort you desire? Perhaps it's fallen humanity, perhaps it's an erroneous perspective, but that's kinda how it seems for me these days.
As a pastor your main job is to care for the "flock" and if you don't have the closeness with the master how can you do so? It's very true, but then there's the seemingly endless list of "to do's" that you can never seem to reach the bottom of and it becomes slightly or tremendously discouraging and depending on your personality....debilitating. How does one pull out of such a "slump?"
Though, I have to give credit to my good friend Mike, who pointed out to me not a week ago that something significant is lacking in my life. That is a mentor. I've only had short experience with such a relationship and it was a tremendous growth period for me, but I am not currently in a relationship as such. I have a solid work relationship with my sr. pastor and as it continues to grow, it's a great thing, but as far as a personal-mentorship relationship, it's just not there.
Part of the problem I think is the shear fact that I'm so internal in most things. I think too much (usually), I keep a lot of stuff inside, and I tend to isolate myself from the very life lines that I need to keep on keeping on. Essentially, it's a neglect of self that is not in any way healthy. I guess the first step is recognition and the second is action...though as I sit and think of it I can't think of anyone within close proximity that might be able to fill that role that I so desperately need.
Of course, non of this is to replace personal time with Christ with some guy who can never fill that void, but it is to enter into a solid one on one relationship with someone who has gone before me in life and can share wisdom with me and kick me in the toosh when the need arises (which is far more than I might like to admit).
I guess the bottom line is, when you land in a hole, there is no such thing as "digging your way out", especially if you don't have a shovel. But to recognize that you need some help from someone else to get you out of there, to actually do the very thing that many of us fight so hard against, cry for help.