The Wait is Lifted...but not over.

We are two days away from the technical due date of our first child and this morning marks the final appointment with our maternity doctor before this child is "supposed" to arrive. Neither of us thought we would be requiring today's appointment, both Amanda and I were confident this baby was going to arrive sometime in the last week, and yet here we are.

I'm quite confident we're not the first couple in history to somehow think this would be the case and I can bet we won't be the last. I have been having many conversations with others who can readily recall the days of waiting in the final, somewhat excruciating (more for her than me) period of pregnancy when you are now past the point of wonder and reaching the point of impatience. As I've been experiencing, speaking of, and thinking on this current state of affairs I've had to wrestle with myself and God in the process and I've come to a conclusion, waiting can fade even before it's over. 

You see, I've spent much of my life (as many of us do I would imagine) waiting for things. When I was in school every day I'd wait for it to be over, when graduation approached I had to wait until it happened, when I finally met the woman I would marry there was much waiting involved. It seems as though we're conditioned somehow to wait. And the worst part is that I suck at it. Even after so much time spent pining over what is to come, waiting (usually impatiently) still comes bearing anxiety and grumpiness. More than that it always bears the question (for me at least): Why God? Why does it have to be this way? What are you trying to do to me? But thanks to some conversations and my current personal reading, I've been pushed into having to wrestle with this notion waiting, patience, and acceptance. 

Some current reading material has challenged my perception of God. Do I view him as some magical genie who either grants my wishes or doesn't? Or is God the one who fulfills my needs, not by accommodating my desires but by being all I desire? Is the presence of God what is of most importance to me, or do I want him to bless me with what I think is necessary?

After a weekend of expecting the baby to arrive because it seemed as though it was going to happen, we've both had to set expectation aside. It was draining me. With every movement or sound that came from my wife I was on the edge of my seat with hospital bags in sight and I quickly became exhausted. Emotionally and physically drained because we weren't sleeping much and cranky because our expectations weren't met. So it is with God sometimes. I become exhausted and drained because I'm on the edge of my seat expecting and when that is not met, I am let down. 

Does this mean God has somehow let me down? Does it mean that my yet to be born child has let me down? I don't think so. I think I'm letting myself down because I'm creating a situation that breeds disappointment. If my child needs to met my expectations, I will be let down and they will be hurt by me. If God needs to meet my expectations, I will be let down because that's not who God is. 

However, if the mere presence of God is what I desire most, then I cannot be let down because when I know his presence in a moment, I'm satisfied. If my child is free to be who they are and all I want is to be with them, I will not be let down because presence is enough. 

So with this in mind, the wait is lifted. Waiting for something doesn't let me down, it makes me excited. Waiting for God is becomes exciting. Waiting for this child becomes exciting, and when they finally do arrive I will get to learn who they are. When God graces me with the experience of his presence, I can learn who he is. 

So the wait has been lifted for now. But it's certainly not over, though I can look at it from a perspective that allows me to sleep at night and doesn't produce disappointment but joy. For now I'll enjoy the thought of what it will be like to hold my child, and when that time comes I can be blown away by how much better it is than I could have ever imagined. And I'll enjoy the thought of meeting with God and be dumbfounded by just how my thoughts pale in comparison to the real experience. 

timing is everything

I feel like I've been on hiatus in recent weeks, perhaps even months. I wonder if this is what television actors experience when their shows break for the summer...possibly, but likely with more money involved.
Sidenote: Why do I always think about money?
Hiatus, a gap or interruption in space/time, a break. Is it possible for a break to not feel like one? That is, can you experience a "hiatus" while being worked on? I think so and I think that is exactly what this past year has been about. While the so called break hasn't lasted that long and it hasn't been much of a "break" indeed, there is a sense of renewal that comes from recollection on the journeys of these last 12, perhaps even more, months.  This time a year ago we were in Calgary preparing to load up a trailer with our belongings and head west to this coastal region. Still three months left on my "contract" with Ambrose, a month of hectic schooling, and a whole lot of uncertainty to come, I was hopeful for what was ahead.
Of course we all know that hindsight offers much more perspective than foresight and had I known what was to come I may have attempted to approach things differently. But, if hindsight has anything else to offer then in this case it certainly screams at me that timing is everything. Interesting how God tends to manoeuvre in such ways, isn't it? Here I am, 11 months after moving, 10 months after the first summer session of school (with the next at my doorstep), 9 months after finishing work, and perhaps 5 months after I had given up hope (don't worry, hope is not lost). Timing is everything.
Without God's timing and by going my way, I may well have landed a job that was consistent with my interests at the time, it may have even paid well and continued the pursuit of comfort and stability. It may have been the case that I found a niche in the area I have pursued without any substantial reasoning and done quite well. This is all subjective and circumstantial of course because it has not happened this way, but bear with me, timing is everything.
Had everything gone my way from the start, we may have been further along with certain goals and aspirations BUT we would have missed many lessons in humility. Faith would have remained circumstantial, relationship would have been superficial, call would have been suppressed, God would have sat on the mantel, I would have suffered and by proxy so would my wife undeservedly. Had I been able to control the outcome, I would have seen to it (albeit unintentionally) that life would become my masterpiece, fixing the deck to be stacked in my favour with little interest in the things that truly matter. Pursuit had consumed me. That is to say, my concern became more for comfort and well-being than for Gospel and Truth. Not that the desires I had were inherently bad, it was mainly to provide for potential family, look after my wife and see that she is able to enjoy life, be able to contribute and live up to what I had projected to be my responsibility as a man and husband. These desires were not bad or wrong in themselves, but without focus on life in Christ, misaligned. Timing is everything.
Only now am I able to look back at the progression of the last year and a half to see how God has been pulling me back into His alignment. 12 months ago I would not have considered a church ministry position for vocation again. When asked by many I would answer: "I'm not against it, though it would have to be the right circumstance". All the while I would be thinking: "There is no possible circumstance that would take me down that road." Funny how wrong we can be sometimes in our responses to things we think we control, even if only as an illusion.
Without God's timing and His hand in all of this I wouldn't have come across a job posting for a pastoral position that would be exactly what I had long desired to see in the church. I wouldn't have sent my resume because I had felt some strange draw to do so. I wouldn't have willingly sat down to explore the questionnaire requested by the search committee and struggled through my experience and position on issues. I would not have entered an interview with said committee and been completely vulnerable as one a little sheepish to enter pastoral ministry again, but earnestly seeking God's direction. I wouldn't have been able to endure the preparatory process that to some seems excruciatingly long but to me just seems right. I wouldn't have found favour with the board of elders or been so comfortable in that space. And without God's timing I wouldn't be sitting here now eagerly anticipating the next stage in the process, to meet the rest of the congregation and leaders and speak my heart and what I believe to be God's heart into the position for which I am applying.
You see, timing is everything, especially when we have become distracted by the concerns of our culture to succeed in our own way. Ironic how God will bring us full circle, however, to provide something that is exactly what we were searching for in the first place, only after bringing us back in alignment with Him instead of perpendicular to Him. It is not all finished yet, there is still process. But I walk ahead looking up, waaaaaay up (Friendly Giant anyone?), expecting only that God will prevail in this situation and in our lives where He rightly belongs. With humility accepting the direction He is taking us and with anticipation that this pastoral position will hopefully work out. Not taking hold of it as my own, but accepting the call and walking in grace and humility to serve in such a way.
There is definitely a story to be told out of all of this and you are only getting a brief glimpse into the goodness that God has been orchestrating. This weekend I spoke at our current church on Christ as Saviour, indeed it is a personal story but much greater than that. Not only does he save us from eternity in absence but he saves us from our own paths of destruction here and now, if we are willing to let him. Timing is everything, don't think for a moment that you control it.

Renewal

It's Friday night and I am at home on my couch, by myself. How lame is that? My gorgeous wife is out with a friend tonight and I am somehow charged with bringing a message at church on Sunday morning so I am here thinking, praying, and reflecting on some things. Believe it or not this provides context for me to write another blog post and to declare that I will begin trying to be more regular with posting.

The reasons for me to write here again are twofold:

1) The last 6 months or so have been quite the challenge and I think it good to explore my thoughts in writing, with the accountability of other people possibly reading my words (it's more insightful that way...hopefully). AND
2) I kinda miss it.

It is the "sermon" or "message" for this Sunday that brought me back to some posts from years ago when I was pastoring in Saskatchewan. Strangely enough, I am not a pastor now but these last number of months have been pivotal in my returning to church speaking. This weekend marks the first time since I was a pastor...some 4 years ago. The old shelves are dusty one might say.

In the process of digging out the treasures that are hidden in this jar of clay (which are still yet to be discovered I think), God has been working to restore some desires in me, like preaching/teaching and perhaps even consider vocational ministry again. It's interesting how this really rough transition to a new place would bring those desires to the surface and I can honestly say it's not just because my confidence has been shaken with being neglected for job opportunities. It is a real desire to serve in ways that I know I can and I know God has called me. Truth be told, I have not been super fond of the Big Guy in recent months, mostly because of the aforementioned lack of employment but even in the midst of roughness there is a woodworker bringing out the sand paper to make these edges smooth. I am looking forward to what is ahead and really do hope that some of it will involve a pay-cheque (for any American stragglers, that's paycheck), but even if it doesn't, I do know that what God is building in me in the meantime will be lasting and most certainly good.

That will be it for now, the wife is coming home and bringing someone with her so I best be off to put some clothes on. However, these days I tend to have quite a bit of time on my hands even with applying for jobs, doing school work, volunteering and anything else I may find to fill my days. That in mind I will return to this place again, hopefully sooner than later, and will continue to tell the story of a life that is in the midst of resurrection...in more ways than one.