Saturday, March 03, 2012

Days Go By

Time flies when you're doing nothing.That's how it feels sometimes, though it may not be the reality of the situation. I am by no means overrun with things to do, but I am similarly not completely static.

What's your experience/perception of unemployment?

I have to be honest, I've had some relatively narrow opinions of those who aren't working. Perhaps that's even part of the battle right now as I sit in this space of not being able to secure a regular position. It's a bit of a frustrating space, it seems that the kinds of jobs I could get are literally not worth my time right now simply because employment insurance pays more than they would, for now. I could look at the situation and say "it's ok because I'm a student" *part time* or "it's a tough market" *so what?* or something else but the truth of the matter is that I need to recognize that it's simply beyond my control.

I don't like not having control and I'm sure you can understand the feeling. In light of recent events I've been discovering that the idea of "control" is really just an illusion that we all like to hold onto. How much can you really control in your life? Think about it...really how much? I know this isn't a new thought, but it's particularly relevant to me right now. What is your life? It is a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes (James 4:14). Or to quote a cult classic, "all we are is dust in the wind dude...dust...wind...dude." We think we have everything under control, but we really just think it, it's not actually what is happening. I don't think this is a bad thing at all though, and any number sermons that you could google would point out that it's Biblically accurate, relinquishing our illusion of control to God is what is best cause he knows best.

That's not the only reason I don't think it's a bad thing. I think me/us not being in control of everything is a good way to keep us grounded, keep us sane, tied to the nature of Christ in us. There are little hints here and there in life to bring us back, to break the illusion that we have it all in our grasp. Sometimes the "little" hints don't seem so "little" but let's be honest, if I'm still waking up in the morning it can't be as horrible as I might think. Some things really are devastating, but there is still life to live beyond those circumstances. Some things only seem devastating, but bubbling beneath the surface is a tremendous new experience or opportunity that is just waiting for the right time to appear, almost like God had something in mind the whole time. I want to believe that, so I need to choose to.

I sat down yesterday in a counselling office, it's been a few years since doing something like that. If you ever need a reality check, it's a good thing to do sometimes. There have been a number of reality checks for me this week, I can be a scary beast when I isolate and I have a tendency to do so in a new place. This is a new experience for me, however, because it is not just me now and how I am directly affects the one I care about most. Reality Check: no man is an island and I am no exception. Reality Check: I am not a victim of circumstance but I do not have control over much of what happens in life, I can control myself and that's where I need to focus. Reality Check: Running to God is much better than running from him, when you know you're built for something you should accept that and lean into it. I'm still learning how.

There's some jumbled thoughts from a tired mind.

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