Monday, March 26, 2007

my utmost apologies

I have seriously neglected my blog recently. I guess truth be told I haven't really felt like I've had much to contribute, my mind has not been working in the ways that it once did. I haven't really been pondering philosophy/theology nearly as much as I used to, nor have I done so nearly enough.
perhaps I should spend some quality time on the toilet, or set myself up with an epiphany toilet like that of the Janitor on Scrubs in season 3 (yes, I know the season, and episode number- 3, 15) where I can go to escape the rush of the everyday crapper and relax enough to think.
But I guess even beyond not thinking much, I have not spent the time I need and want to spend in prayer and Scripture reading.
I suppose that's something I can reflect on at the moment. How do you maintain a structured pattern when you don't really have structure and you suck at building it. Yes, I know that it's true that you will make a priority of what is important to you and if you don't make God a priority then He must not be important to you....
Well bear with me for a moment here as I exercise these thoughts a little. Is it not possible for someone to be important to you but you feel helpless to make the effort you desire? Perhaps it's fallen humanity, perhaps it's an erroneous perspective, but that's kinda how it seems for me these days.
As a pastor your main job is to care for the "flock" and if you don't have the closeness with the master how can you do so? It's very true, but then there's the seemingly endless list of "to do's" that you can never seem to reach the bottom of and it becomes slightly or tremendously discouraging and depending on your personality....debilitating. How does one pull out of such a "slump?"
Though, I have to give credit to my good friend Mike, who pointed out to me not a week ago that something significant is lacking in my life. That is a mentor. I've only had short experience with such a relationship and it was a tremendous growth period for me, but I am not currently in a relationship as such. I have a solid work relationship with my sr. pastor and as it continues to grow, it's a great thing, but as far as a personal-mentorship relationship, it's just not there.
Part of the problem I think is the shear fact that I'm so internal in most things. I think too much (usually), I keep a lot of stuff inside, and I tend to isolate myself from the very life lines that I need to keep on keeping on. Essentially, it's a neglect of self that is not in any way healthy. I guess the first step is recognition and the second is action...though as I sit and think of it I can't think of anyone within close proximity that might be able to fill that role that I so desperately need.
Of course, non of this is to replace personal time with Christ with some guy who can never fill that void, but it is to enter into a solid one on one relationship with someone who has gone before me in life and can share wisdom with me and kick me in the toosh when the need arises (which is far more than I might like to admit).
I guess the bottom line is, when you land in a hole, there is no such thing as "digging your way out", especially if you don't have a shovel. But to recognize that you need some help from someone else to get you out of there, to actually do the very thing that many of us fight so hard against, cry for help.
help.

3 comments:

Trevor said...

Ah yes the proverbial (and sometimes literal) kick in the butt. I have needed that for a few years now. I have a guy to do so but now I'm moving away so I'll have to see what that does. Anywho keep on keeping on! See you soon.

Jon said...

Hmm. I'm not so sure habits are necessarily true indicators of what is most important. I have a habit of picking my nose, but it's not important to me. Fran is important to me, and yet it is far too easy to neglect her beyond routine (or even "habitual") relationship. I wonder if the opposite could be true then: that which you care most about you will need to work the hardest for.
I get you about the mentoring thing. Bob (my Sr. Pastor) is a great mentor, but in a lot of ways we are still just getting to know each other and the relationship has not gotten as strong as I would like yet.I suppose mentoring others would be a good idea too since the mentor often grows even more than the disciple.
Something I still haven't figured out (or, perhaps just haven't remembered to ask Bob) is how to be a pastor at church and in the community and a husband/father/regular-guy at home. Most jobs I've had--no matter what the stress level--when you clock out and go home you leave it all at work. The problem with being a pastor is that you can't get away from God. I know that sounds dumb, but the point is when part of your job description includes scripture study, prayer, spiritual development, etc, and yet those things cannot be isolated or they will die, how do you separate church and "state" in your own life? Realistically, you can't have a spiritual life in only one part of life or it WILL die. At the same time, you'll burn out all the faster if there is no difference between work and home. Let me know if you figure this out, eh?

Shle said...

you're neglecting your blog again troy.. Gets ta workin! ! !