Monday, November 27, 2006

All the answers

So I sit here thinking...Wow, I haven't blogged for a while... then I think...What will I write about this time, cause I don't have anything really on my brain.
Then I think about this seminar I've been taking today, and tomorrow. It's a suicide intervention seminar that scares the poop out of me. It's really not a pretty sight actually, poo all over the place, I'm not looking forward to cleaning that up.
But when I think about it, yeah I want to be able to help people in such situations. I want to know the things to say, the steps that need to be taken and the methods to use to prevent a person from taking their own life. But it's terrifying. What if I screw it up? What if I don't read the signs well enough? What if I'm the one responsible for their actions?
Of course you can't blame yourself if you do everything you can, but what if I don't?
It kinda makes me want to just go and work in a feed mill or a warehouse where all I have to worry about is unloading a trailer and loading another one up with boxes. There's much less stress to such a job, at least for me, and I like to do that kinda stuff.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm feeling the weight of my career choice and my calling. It's a pretty large responsibility, and it's intimidating, especially when I still feel like I'm trying to learn how to navigate the world of pastoral ministry.
It's tough when there's nobody who sleeps beside me to share such stuff with. Obviously I would never want to burden a wife with my issues, but I'm really kinda wanting that these days, although at the same time not as well.
So as my incoherent ramblings continue you see how I wish I had all the answers, knew what was coming ahead for me, and who would be a part of my life in the future. It's tough to just hand it over to God and relax...obviously I need some help with that.

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