From the depths of my bowels

I have to rather honest about this new stage of life. It sucks sometimes. I mean there are a lot of things that I just didn't really want to be ready for let alone having to deal with them. I know this is sounding much like complaining, and that's kinda my point. I complain too much. I mean, I'm so incredibly self centered at times that all I can see is the immediate result instead of the long term benefit or consequence of where I'm at and what I do.
I finally finished that book that I've mentioned a number of times, Uprising, and near the end of the book the entire focus was on the importance, richness and nobility of a life of wisdom. McManus was very good at communicating the truth of Scripture on the topic of wisdom, as I read I could honestly feel a stirring within me, a longing to live like that. Wisdom is a gift from God and the nobility that comes from a life of God given wisdom is astounding. Not the type of "nobility" that cries for attention or looks at oneself as higher than the rest but it is a life worth running after, it is a "noble" quality.
Do I want to be considered wise? Who doesn't?
Do I want to be applauded for wisdom? No, it's not mine to begin with, so how can I take any kind of credit for it?
Do I long, yearn to be blessed with such a gift that God allows me to see the long term benefits and consequences of today's actions so that my life will be honoring to God by the decisions and choices I make? Without a doubt.
Of course I still want to do dumb stuff and act like a so-called "idiot" at times, goof around and make people laugh, cause I love that, but if at the end of my life I could look back and thank the Father for providing me with the wisdom I needed to make the right choices, and see how that has been useful to Him, I would be so very thankful.
I look at the decisions and actions that I've made in the past that have brought me good and bad results and I say "thank you Lord for saving me" and "forgive me for my faults."

In my office I have placed a few things on the bulletin board, just some quotes and reminders of God's grace. The last couple days have been a bit of a struggle for me in many ways and as I was pondering some things this morning, I read "A Father's Love Letter" which is Scriptural truths of how God views us and who He is. One of the lines had Acts 17:26 attached to it. Here's what Acts 17:26-28 says:
"From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 'For in him we live and move and have our being.'"
The part that was in the letter is italicized and as I sit and think about the stuff that's dragging on me I am reminded of God's love. He put me here in this place for this time, so that I could seek and find him and share that with other people.
It's my calling to share Christ with people, and I don't always live worthy of that calling, but wisdom would say "take it easy, don't worry about yourself, you'll be taken care of. Just be who God has made you to be for now, God will continue the work He started in you long ago, live for others and the rest will get there in time."
It's a trust/faith issue. God gave me a moment of clarity so that I would come here, and He'll make things clearer and clearer as I continue to follow.
And so I part with the lyrics to a song that has been used to churn my soul towards God numerous times. It's by Caedmon's Call, it's called Lead of Love.

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky,
Now I see why

I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee