Thursday, September 11, 2008

Can't Sleep

I occasionally find myself awake at night, my mind and body refusing to shut down for much needed rest, tonight is no exception.
I have also found some solace in the spewing of words and thoughts into this particular page, knowing that it's not just some secret place to hide everything, but just the potential even one person reading this means that it's no longer locked in my heart.
I don't know nor can I begin to understand the strangeness of releasing thoughts into oblivion and the comfort that it provides.
Of course, I'm quite confident that there are few who even stumble across this page anymore, but it's the action, not the audience, that counts in these instances.

Perhaps I'm just not tired, but I don't think that's the case. Perhaps I ate something strange and it's affecting my sleep pattern this evening, but again, I doubt it's relevance. Especially because of the pattern that I'm discovering arises on occasion for periods of time where I don't sleep well.
But I've also been dreaming, in the short instances that I do slip off into an unconscious realm. That may not seem strange, but I don't normally remember my dreams, nor do those that I do remember contain recurring themes or characters, and that's what's happening.

Anyway, regardless of reason, I can't sleep tonight, and I just need to write something, anything, hopefully to deter my thoughts from keeping me awake all night.
I have to admit, I have struggled with the changes that have come my way in the last while. Not with right or wrong choices or anything like that, but simply adjusting to circumstance.
I'm in a place that is full of people, a city of over a million people, and yet I still feel as isolated as the "survivorman" when he finds his way through the wilderness of some remote region of the earth.
This is to nobody's fault in particular, I think it's just a matter of adjusting well, which I have not been able to do.
I'm bothered by much these days, by things in my own character that are flawed and need work. About my current relationship with the Almighty. About my current views of the opposite (and finer) gender, and many other things that could probably fall in an "in between" category.
I suppose ultimately I see myself as inadequate in all of these situations. Somehow not quite reaching some unattainable standard that I've placed in my mind for everything in life.
I have a tendancy towards placing high expectations upon myself, too high. Not that one shouldn't strive for excellence in everything, but one most certainly shouldn't expect perfection, because that is simply not possible.
I feel inadequate, or even that I've missed something when it comes to regular intimacy with God. That somehow I have to have been sinless for a period of time, or that I need to put on some sort of persona just to say 'hello'. Of course in my mind I know that this is absurd to think because it's just simply not true and there are passages of Scripture to support it, not to mention personal experience to over rule my thought processes.
When it comes to other people, I feel that I must reach a certain quota of acts of kindness or service to merit friendship. Also absurd.
I think ultimately with these two areas, it's more a matter of acceptance that God loves unconditionally. And that people don't always expect something in return for kindness. That perhaps they even want me around.
This isn't me airing dirty laundry, just simply shortcomings that I'm wrestling with right now.
When it comes to fast approaching seminary classes, I'm terrified that I won't be able to keep up, or that I won't comprehend what is being thrown at me.
When it comes to relationships in general, I fear that I don't measure up.

I think really, behind all of the aformentioned issues in my mind is a strong desire to skip ahead in life. What I mean is, I don't want to climb the mountain, I just want to be at the top. I don't want to have to put in the work to get the result, the sinful nature within me just wants what I wants and I wants it now!
I don't want to have to go through stretching periods of growth where I have to realign myself with truth and Savior if I've found myself off track.
I don't want to have to push myself beyond the door of my house to get acquainted and reaquainted with people of like mind. I don't want to have to work at friendships, new and old.
I don't want to have to work at getting into the "groove" of school work.
I don't want to have to put myself on the line the mend broken friendships, or to do so to introduce the possibility of romance into my life...
With all of these things there is an annoying little voice in the back of my mind that constantly says "just give up, it's not worth it", and I recognize the need to ignore and destroy such a thought. But there is a much greater voice that tells me that it is only through danger and toil that one can really thrive.
These are all the dangers and toils of my life right now, they will change, they will intensify, and down the road I may even reminisce and wish for the days when my only fears were of failing a class of being rejected. But, as for now, I need to face the current situation with resolute passion to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if there may not seem to be one right now.

So now, I will retreat back to my pillow and pray that with sleep God will calm my soul tonight, and with love to wake me up with a fresh view of what's ahead.

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