Harvest Party '06

Ahhh, the memories!

Who I want to be

So I took a bunch of my kids to YC this weekend and I had such a blast. I was incredibly nervous beforehand, because of you course you don't know what to expect for a trip you've never done before, and I have this thing where I get super nervous if I've never led a certain event or trip before. Once the first one's out of the way it's much more relaxing for me.
And I even learned a few things for myself this weekend. It's funny how God will speak to you even if you don't expect it to happen (there's a story for another day).
Amidst the noise (the incredible noise) and the different bands and speakers there was this one worship band who took the stage for a couple of the main sessions. They were called United and they led me towards the throne of God to worship, it was quite the experience (I'm not an experientialist don't worry). But a pastor from their church over there in Australia was with them and he spoke for that session. His name's Phil Dooley, I had never heard of him before, but then again, I hadn't really listened to United too much either.
The ironic thing is that it wasn't a word that was said that struck me, I couldn't tell you what came out of his mouth at that point (I do remember what he spoke on in general though) but this incredible thought raced through my mind over and over again "I want to be like that."
It's not the part where he was on stage speaking to thousands of people, I don't really think I'd have much to say in that respect, though I have to admit, there is a part of me that would love to be a performer professionally...
As he spoke, I noticed how people were gripped by what he was saying, and I noticed that the members of the band (who were on the stage in the background) were there with him. He was introduced as "their youth pastor" and that's where it started. There's a group of people who lead worship all over the world, they've sold thousands of cds and they can get a crowd pumped pretty efficiently, but the still had a guy who was "leading" them in a sense. Of course I don't know the way things work for them intrinsically, it might be far different than I have imagined it to be. But as I observed how intently they listened to him speak and how the entire audience was captured by his story, I thought "I want to be like that." I want to be the kind of guy who is so full of the Spirit of God that people are affected. I want to lead a youth ministry where students don't listen to anything I say because I've asked them to or because I'm funny or really really ridiculously good looking (though I may do/be all of those), I so desperately long for my life to be such a wellspring of joy that overflows from a tight relationship with Christ that people can't help but be gripped with what's being said. And not to have anything to do with how I craft words or how I can do anything, but simply that the truth of God would flow so freely from my lips that the story itself will captivate, cause it's no my story, it's His.
I want to be that kind of pastor, Christian, friend, brother, son, uncle and Lord willing husband and father. So infused with Christ that I'm forgotten, but Christ is proclaimed.
I got such a long way to go, but it's worth the work.
May I take those steps continually.

A moment of relative silence

I say "relative" because it seems that this house in which I currently live does not see complete silence on the best of days. Sacrifices are indeed made in the life of ministry.
It's now 11:30 in the evening and I should really be heading to bed to rest up for a big day of ordination studies tomorrow but I've unfortunately been thinking again.
A dear friend, though one with whom I've not spent nearly enough time, left a comment on my last post (for those who may not be plugged into facebook, my blog posts are imported to facebook and the comment was left there). In reading the particular comment I began to think of how much respect I have for some people.
There are some people who truly eminate Christ in their personality and practice. There are those who are just so full of Christ that when you see them all you can think is "that is a devoted follower of Christ". It's an incredible thing to witness, but something that blesses me to no end when I run into such people. Of course even the "greatest" of humans has his or her quirks and "downfalls" (for lack of a better term, I should really get into reading dictionaries), but there are definitely some people who, with the way they live and love, somehow make you forget the idiocyncracies of flawed humanity about them.
I suppose upon closer inspection of anyone, one could see the carnality of behaviour, even in the most radiant believer. But I do have to say that I so long to be the kind of person in whom Christ can be seen.
I want to be the kind of person who is humble about himself and boastful of God. I want to be lost in the background of an extravagant scene of servanthood in which only Christ can be seen. I want to be forgotten in the midst of Christ being glorified by anything that might come from my mouth or actions.
The very thought of this brings tears to my eyes mainly because it seems so far from where I am now that I grieve my own inadequacy. But, even as these tears arrive I do remember the reality of the gospel and the words of the apostle Paul as he passionately persued righteousness and urged his Galatian brothers and sisters to do the same said "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me."
Ah, what a sweet melody. Christ lives in me, as long as I live in this body it is by faith in the Son of God who not only loved me, but sacrificed himself for me. It's a love story, of which I am so graciously able to be a part.
I've not arrived, I've not made it, I've not even come close. And oh how I long to reach that goal that has been set, as Paul again asserts he has not "already attained all of this or have already been made perfect" but I will "press on toward the goal, to win the prize, for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Some are just closer to their master than others and I think we see that in the maturity and and composure of those whose walk is closer with Christ.
It's an idealistic approach to a relationship with Christ, I recognize this, but I think we can all think of at least one person who displays qualities of such a relationship with Christ.

And thanks Mel for your kind and encouraging words, God's timing is indeed perfect.

I see things upside down

It might be because I'm thinking on things of the past today, due to my day starting off (quite early I might add) with a men's study group working through the Wild At Heart video series. Or maybe it's because I'm hanging upside down, but I'm thinking upon life in a slightly different genre of thought this evening.
The likelihood of the latter being the case is slim to none because I've not spent much time in the upside down position before, but the former may have something to offer for a reason. Though I must quickly give props to Derek Webb for the title of his album "I See Things Upside Down", but I will continue with my train of thought.
About a year ago now I read Wild At Heart for the first time upon suggestion from a trusted friend. When I first being wading through the pages and thinking upon the suggestions of John Eldredge to what happens in the heart of a man, everything within me wanted to revolt. In fact I'm sure there's probably a post from when I first began the book where I discussed my stirred spirit. I remember thinking that I was being insulted and basically called a sissy because I didn't fit the mold of what a "man" should be.
Of course, just like the old saying "you can't judge a book by its cover", I think it's fair to suggest that you can't judge a book until you've finished it. As I read on, I began to resonate more and more with the concepts brought forth by Eldredge.
That was much more detail than was needed, but I've recently within the last couple weeks, jumped into taking a journey through the book again, this time with a group of men, much older than me. It's great to actually discuss many thoughts I've had previously (even a year old) instead of just thinking them through on my own.
I think one word that can describe my experiences of the last year or so could very easily be "alone." This doesn't necessarily have a negative connotation to it, though there have definitely been moments of negative aloneness since graduating from school, rather it's more of an accurate description of the forrest through which I've stumbled as life has continued on without me. By that I mean, I don't think I've accurately or properly continued into this still so new phase of post-graduate (not to be confused with post-grad studies) lifestyle. Life beyond school.
This morning as we met and watched a couple scenes from Disney's The Kid as well as the video of Eldredge and his boys for the study, I saw myself in Bruce Willis' character as a grown man in the movie. For those familiar, or not familiar with Eldredge's book, he speaks of a "wound" that every man has sustained at some point in his life (please note, I'm speaking in personal terms, not excluding women in any way except that I'm not one). I'm not the type to adhere to the victim mentality, that somehow it's not my fault for stuff that's happened in my life, in fact I err on the opposite side of that coin, where I take perhaps more responsibility than I should for negative (and even perhaps positive) things that occur. But, regardless, the point is that starting to work through that topic again has caused me to think about a lot of different things.
Do I believe I've been "wounded" if that's what you want to call it, then yes. I think there are instances in my life, words said, words not said, and experiences that I've had that have contributed to my tendancy to isolate myself from others and even moreso close myself off from relational intimacy. I think Eldredge is right when he says that a man needs to face or "walk into" the wound(s) he has endured. The conversation this morning in the video and in the group led to conclusions of many that their "wound" was received from their father. Not necessarily deliberate or even blatent, but boys/young men seek validation from their fathers and don't always receive it. I can't say I didn't receive validation from my own father, he's great! My dad's always been very vocal (whether with spoken or written word) about how proud he is of me and such. So I sat (and now sit) thinking, "I can't pin point a place of a person where that might have happened" and I don't think I need to per se. I don't think it's something that needs to identified specifically to a certain event, rather it's something that needs to be recognized as falsehood, released to Christ and then you're well on your way, maybe not over it, but well on your way to "recovery" of your soul (or however Eldredge may choose to say it).
So I don't sit here a critic tonight, rather I'm sitting here as one trying to identify those things in my own heart that are hindering me from real, deep, meaningful relationships that are Christ centered and healthy from all angles, in order to begin dealing with them and welcoming new realms of relational intimacy that I'm so desperately craving but so innately terrified of.
I guess recognizing that there is something I'm petrified to allow myself to experience again is a good start towards re-discovering some aspects of life on this earth that God has wired into all of us.
Keeping others at arms length is a tiresome game that I'm not ready to keep up much longer, I suppose it's just a matter of allowing myself to be vulnerable again, even if it doesn't always work out for the best for me.
"Let go and let God" is beginning to take on significant meaning to me now.

my utmost apologies

I have seriously neglected my blog recently. I guess truth be told I haven't really felt like I've had much to contribute, my mind has not been working in the ways that it once did. I haven't really been pondering philosophy/theology nearly as much as I used to, nor have I done so nearly enough.
perhaps I should spend some quality time on the toilet, or set myself up with an epiphany toilet like that of the Janitor on Scrubs in season 3 (yes, I know the season, and episode number- 3, 15) where I can go to escape the rush of the everyday crapper and relax enough to think.
But I guess even beyond not thinking much, I have not spent the time I need and want to spend in prayer and Scripture reading.
I suppose that's something I can reflect on at the moment. How do you maintain a structured pattern when you don't really have structure and you suck at building it. Yes, I know that it's true that you will make a priority of what is important to you and if you don't make God a priority then He must not be important to you....
Well bear with me for a moment here as I exercise these thoughts a little. Is it not possible for someone to be important to you but you feel helpless to make the effort you desire? Perhaps it's fallen humanity, perhaps it's an erroneous perspective, but that's kinda how it seems for me these days.
As a pastor your main job is to care for the "flock" and if you don't have the closeness with the master how can you do so? It's very true, but then there's the seemingly endless list of "to do's" that you can never seem to reach the bottom of and it becomes slightly or tremendously discouraging and depending on your personality....debilitating. How does one pull out of such a "slump?"
Though, I have to give credit to my good friend Mike, who pointed out to me not a week ago that something significant is lacking in my life. That is a mentor. I've only had short experience with such a relationship and it was a tremendous growth period for me, but I am not currently in a relationship as such. I have a solid work relationship with my sr. pastor and as it continues to grow, it's a great thing, but as far as a personal-mentorship relationship, it's just not there.
Part of the problem I think is the shear fact that I'm so internal in most things. I think too much (usually), I keep a lot of stuff inside, and I tend to isolate myself from the very life lines that I need to keep on keeping on. Essentially, it's a neglect of self that is not in any way healthy. I guess the first step is recognition and the second is action...though as I sit and think of it I can't think of anyone within close proximity that might be able to fill that role that I so desperately need.
Of course, non of this is to replace personal time with Christ with some guy who can never fill that void, but it is to enter into a solid one on one relationship with someone who has gone before me in life and can share wisdom with me and kick me in the toosh when the need arises (which is far more than I might like to admit).
I guess the bottom line is, when you land in a hole, there is no such thing as "digging your way out", especially if you don't have a shovel. But to recognize that you need some help from someone else to get you out of there, to actually do the very thing that many of us fight so hard against, cry for help.
help.