upward, onward

no title comes to mind

2011-05-02T03:26:00.002-06:00

I awoke from a dream as if some strange sense of reality had hit while I was asleep and my mind could not contain it any longer. There's a lot to ponder these days (and nights apparently) with changes arising yet again like a mountain stream in spring, it seems natural for spring to bring change I suppose. A year ago today I was enjoying the first night of slumber with my brand new wife and now I sit awake as she enjoys her sleep, thinking of the happiness and swift growth she has brought to this once dusty soil.

I can think back and say that God really has put us together because we really are better together than we were alone, isn't that the way it's supposed to be with marriage? The contributions of the two should vastly outweigh that which one could once muster. I see this happening, but I also see tremendous potential in what could be as a result of this pairing that has truly come from God. I fear that I don't always live up to what I know is necessary as a husband, even so briefly into being one, when it comes to leading or sparking fires that should be lit as we go about our day to day. I want to be worthy of this gift of love that God has blessed me with and I don't think I'm always living up to it. Insecurity I suppose, that which has plagued me for centuries (were I immortal I'm sure it would be the case) has carried on into this thing that many of us in the Christian world see as the central part of existence on earth. Marriage that is.

I remember dreaming of the day when I would no longer wonder what the face staring back at me would look like as I stood in front of family and friends to make that commitment. Of course now I see how beautiful she is, how kind and loving, truly breathtaking. But as I would picture being married (who knew that men would dream of such things, like a little girl might) I would have the naive belief that all things would change after that point. No longer would I be the insecure little child inside, no longer would the negative things that once held on be able to keep me in their grasp. While there may be some truth to it, ultimately it's not a woman (no matter how splendid as she certainly is) that can change a man's heart. I understand this, I know Christ makes the difference. I also know he uses people to see to his glorious work, without them even knowing it. This has all happened, indeed much has changed about me in all realms of life: physically, emotionally, spiritually. But as I reflect on things that can make me squirm a little, those old tendencies begin to crawl and produce more squirming than I would choose at times.

You see, while I have experience a great deal of change over the course of time, one thing has remained the same since I left the nest some 10 years ago...upheaval. Yes with spring comes new life and growth, buds on trees (I hear it is happening in some places, yet to see it here), new babies in the animal kingdom, and often times a new sense of life for those who have endured a long winter as if in autopilot not unlike a bear in hibernation. Also with spring it seems comes a new sense of adventure and for me, a move from one place (be it a house or a city) to another. It has been a tiring 10 years for me in this way because as I consider the number of places I have lived and the number of times I have moved either near or far, I believe the total is 13 homes in 10 years. The longest stretch in one home for me has been the latest and it will have been 14 months when all is said and done.

Yet again this spring the winds of change are blowing strong and soon 13 moves will become 14 and shortly thereafter 15. We're moving to a new location, a new settlement for myself but also for Amanda. Although she will be very familiar with her surrounding as it will be her home territory, it will be a new experience for her as a married woman seeking to find a nest where she can finally set up shop for the long haul. For me it will be a new place entirely, though quite familiar as a visitor I will be an unfamiliar resident. It's a move for family as we consider the future of our potential family, should we be so blessed. It's also a move for life as we seek to be better stewards of this creation that has been so brutally treated. A move for possible career paths as I embark on a new adventure in education and training for something that I feel compelled to study and hopefully continue to build on professional experience. It's also a bit of a move for sanity as the big city wears on these small town souls.

While there are many great things to look forward to with the newness that arises, I can't help but face intimidation as there are certainly unknowns that accompany the adventure. Where will we live after move # 15? What will life look like in a place that one of us knows well but the other can barely picture? What jobs will we find that we can continue with over time? Will I succeed with a Masters degree in a discipline that is not my previous area of study? Will I be able to support a family, should it come in the next few years? Will I end well where I am now (recognizing it is not my strong suit)? Will I feel more isolated than ever before? Will I build new relationships? Will I be able keep some old ones? Do I have anything to contribute? Is it the wrong choice?

The questions don't overwhelm me, they simply arise on occasion as a reminder that I do not control the outcome of life. I know the Creator maintains the world as His own, and nothing continues without His permission (to a point anyway), and I know that the notion of "call" is much broader than I once thought. The call on me and you is to preach Christ crucified, share in the resurrection and make it known to others through compassion and love by how we live and treat other people. My purpose is to testify to power of God's love that can make a vastly obese, insecure and depressed single pastor into a healthy husband who stands only by the strength of Christ in me to walk daily in a way that influences the beautiful gift of a wife He has given me and hopefully as a pair to influence the world around us. I see Christ in Amanda, in how she treats me and those she meets throughout her life. I want to see that in me and it has come to my attention that regardless of what I do vocationally, the call remains the same to be Christ in word and deed to everyone around me. No longer am I defined by a title or held down by a notion that comes from tradition more than truth that I must hold a certain "title" to be "where God wants me". That's a story for another time, perhaps in about a year when I sit down to write another entry.

Regardless of what's next for us, though it is exciting and slightly scary all in one, my biggest concern right now is to not leave poorly. To remain where I am while I am here and to try to discover a way to live where I live and not where I am not. I realize that I have an abrupt nature at times and this comes out especially when I am "moving on" because simply don't know how to approach that type of situation. Where emotion can run high because of the positive influence that others have had but I may be afraid to make it known. I will miss many people here, but I fear that they won't miss me (the insecurity shows itself again) because I have caused them to no longer want to.

I suppose it is part of the journey of life, when healing occurs there is something else that will surface that requires more healing. While I have once dealt with living in the past, thinking upon memories as better times, and neglecting the present. Perhaps now will be the time to face this struggle of not living in a picture of things to come while leaving the present behind too early.

I awoke from a dream that caused me to ponder, hopefully I can return to slumber having done so for now.

The (second) move, for those who are curious

2010-04-13T08:52:00.003-06:00

I posted an ambiguous status on Facebook last night indicating that I'm moving again, less than 2 months after moving into what I thought would be our first place as a married couple. Well as it turns out there are changes in the works that were not foreseen though possibly foreseeable.

The rental market out there has a number options (in Calgary at least) for potential renters to consider before moving into a new place. We had chosen the current basement suite because it was cheaper than other alternatives in hopes to be able to save a bit more money, it's actually a pretty nice little unit for the price and all. We knew that it was not a legal suite (in fact, it seems that a number of suites aren't legal) but city inspectors have often turned a blind eye to those suites that aren't legal because of the rental market in Calgary (or as it has been in the past). With all that being said if someone complains to the city about a neighbouring property regarding the zoning, the city has to follow up.

The issue with this suite was simply that it is a duplex not a single dwelling with a basement suite. An older couple next door, as we were to find out later, had caused some trouble for the current property owners by calling the police while they were doing some renovations inside the house...make sense? No, I didn't think so. Amanda came over after work one night last week and discovered a notice from the city of calgary stating that a complaint had been issued...guess who!

The complaint was that there was more than one "dwelling" in the place, but the interesting part was that at the time the complaint was issued, I was the only official resident of the entire house. Methinks there are some nosey neighbours lurking about.

So, the inspection happened and the landlords were instructed to remove the stove and bottom row of cabinetry in the kitchen and have the inspector back. Fair enough, it's not a legal suite and them's the rules. But the landlord's answer to it was to do so and then after the final inspection, put the kitchen cabinets and stove back in...and all of this while we are away getting married and honeymooning, so that it could all be replaced and like nothing ever happened when we came back.

Not really the optimal option in my mind, so we took the opportunity to get the damage deposit back, find a new place and then move not only all of my stuff, but Amanda's stuff as well (or that which she hasn't moved in already) 3 days before we leave for our wedding.

So that's the story, but with a happy ending (or what I think will be one) because we found a decent 2 bedroom condo with 2 bathrooms in a nicer neighbourhood and for an affordable price that I think will be a much better situation for us than my current place.

Now...Who can help us move on the 24th of April?

Two Weeks In A Row

2009-06-28T07:52:00.002-06:00

I'm most impressed with myself that I've been able/willing to sit down and excrete the happenings of my mind two weeks in a row. I think weekly is frequent enough because often whatever it is that I am thinking lasts a number of days so there wouldn't be much to write if I were to do so more often. Although I may not stick to this weekly thing for long, I think it's ideal.

The pressing issue on my mind this time around has to do with a pretty big change that's coming up. When I moved back to Calgary a year ago I had every intention of beginning my graduate studies and following through to completion in a relatively compacted timeline (relatively because it was always going to be a year longer than the technical length of the program) and while I still have every intention to finish my degree it may end up taking a little longer than originally anticipated. Of course things change, plans change over time. There have been a number of things that have been introduced into my life that I certainly did not anticipate and yet another one of those things will be taking place very soon.

Not all that long ago I was introduced (the way of introduction is not important at this time) to a woman that has quickly become very important to me and with whom I can see a pretty incredible future. That was something that I did not even imagine could, let alone would, happen within a year of returning to school to regroup. I have spent much time wondering, asking God what I did to merit such beautiful person inside and out in my life. But that old saying about looking a gift horse in the mouth may apply here (though she's nothing like a horse, hear me rightly). It's more a matter of simply being thankful for the progression that God has seen fit to give my life in the last year, which I did not think would ever come.

Another event that is soon coming will certainly change life for me as I exit the life of a church janitor into something a little more people oriented. I actually have no problem whatsoever with custodial services, I in fact enjoy being able to complete a list of tasks in a day, there's a certain satisfaction that comes along with it and I also think that it has been the perfect job for me in this last year as I have been able to disappear to do my work in the vast expanse of the church building and think upon all of the things I have struggled with for many years and to yell and scream and cry at God because of those things and to unintentionally hear Him out in the process. It's been pretty great in that respect. There are other things (mainly just one person and the disasterous wake he leaves behind him) that I have not really enjoyed.

Moving on from that, as I will be quickly, I'm very excited and grateful to be moving into a job that is something I feel will be very good for me in many ways. It's a bit more of a career move for me, which going from a pastor to a janitor may not have been quite as much. I'm very excited to be going in this particular direction. I will leave the actual job a secret for now, though there are a number of people who know, it's yet to be a complete process so I just want to be fair with it all. I will get to work with people again, building relationships to a certain degree and travelling a bunch as well. All things that I enjoy. And I look forward to the work environment as well, I think it will be quite a positive move.

Again, a year ago, these things were not even in the back of my mind, let alone the forefront. I thought I would be a single janitor working on his masters degree for the next three years and then life would begin to change afterwards. I guess some surprises are great to run with and some don't seem to be, but they probably still are good to run with, because what else are you going to do? Resistance is futile.

I suppose I could write more interesting things, but this is what's on my mind. I could be like someone I know who wrote about an experience she had whilst walking, seeing a woman twice who then disappeared, but that wouldn't really be news, women have oft disappeared after seeing me twice...oh burn on me. just kidding I know I'm one hot piece of man flesh.

Until we meet again.

It's been a long time

2009-06-21T08:44:00.004-06:00

Well, I'm sitting at the desk where I check my e-mail and goof off on facebook while I'm at work (I'd say it's my desk, but it's not, it's someone else's that I just use when they're not here) and I realized that I have not written a blog entry for a while. Now this wasn't a personal revelation so much as it was a reminder from a certain lady friend of mine that I haven't placed my thoughts in word form on this page for a while.

I think I'll write about something to do with church this time, I know I never do this so bear with me as I try...

As a result of a few significant conversations with different people in recent weeks I thought it would be good to get out some thoughts that have been rolling around in my mind for a while now so that I don't forget them and so they don't disappear. This past year has been quite a transition for me, out of a pastoral position where I thought I would be for at least another 5 years, out of being a super duper fat kid to just being a regular fat kid now, out of some pretty serious emotional and spiritual issues, into a masters degree (which has been going surprisingly well), into a relationship with a pretty incredible lady, and into some deep thoughts upon the state of christianity in my part of the world.

There's probably more to say about the transition of the last year, but I'll leave it at that for now, it's a lot of transition and a lot of unexpected experiences. I've had the opportunity to be a part a few different churches in my lifetime, two of which have employed me on varying levels. These two particular churches are essentially polar opposites in many ways and when I think about either one I get that "grass is always greener" feeling. One is a fairly substantial size and runs based on a business model and the other is slightly less substantial in size and operates in a smaller community where the "business" style of church just wouldn't fly. One has a book of policies and the other has pot lucks, one has strategic 1, 3 and 5 year Plans and the other plans ahead almost on month by month basis. They are clearly polar opposites in how they operate, it just causes me to think. It's interesting how different bodies can thrive in different environments. While my personal experience is thus far limited to a couple specific churches, it seems to me from books that I read, people I talk to and things that I hear that this could be said about pretty much all churches all over the place, they're different and they "cater" to a different type of crowd.

I've been finding myself asking a lot of questions about the way "we" operate as christians in churches. Some questions are as simple as "why?" and others are a little more complex as they seek to discover motive and purpose behind certain things. A friend of mind said the other day that the purpose for the general "sunday morning service" is simply to get people in the seats and stick an offering basket in front of them so they'll give. Harsh? maybe, but unfortunately it's all too often more true than not.

Perhaps one who might read the lengthy blogs of my recent history would find me to be a cynic, or bitter, I do not desire to be that or to come across that way, it's not bitterness that drives me it's a disconnect from what is and what perhaps should be. Clearly I'm not perfect in my assumptions or ideas, in fact I will venture to say that I'm dead wrong in some of my thoughts and feelings toward the "church" in general and even in some of my theology, but that is something that is true of us all regardless of whether we would like to think so or not.

That being said, I do believe there is at least some merit to what I'm saying.

I've written before of asking questions of the existing structure of church, questioning the integrity of some organizations and leaders and ultimately the true motivation behind the modern day "church". Is it really to spread the "good news?" (I know I use "quotations" a lot).

This leads me to my next question...what exactly is the message that is getting across to those we say we want to "reach"? Is it really the love of Jesus and the power of salvation found only in him? or is it something else entirely?

I caught myself wondering/thinking the other day how much christians have contributed to the culture of disbelief (I don't like the word "unbelief" because it makes those who don't prescribe to Christ sound like less human or something). Some might be offended that a person would even bring up such a blasphemous idea (or what some might consider to be so), but I think it's a legitimate question. The very first CD I ever owned, before I even had a CD player to be able to listen to it, was Jesus Freak by DC Talk which I won in grade 7 for burping the alphabet in one continuous belch, impressive I know. On that album, as a part of one of the tracks they had a quote from someone, I don't know who because the album cover is not in front of me but here's how it goes: "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." Apparently that was Brennan Manning who said it, but i just looked it up to find that out.

Anyway, I'm sure many have heard it, and many might even agree with it, but I think I would take it to another level. I would venture to say that beyond denying Christ by our lifestyles, there is a certain distaste for the "christian empire" that seems to be continually being built. It's almost as if power, money, fame and success is being sought by those who are "leading" instead of humility, generosity, service, and other such things that may go along with it. I wrote a paper for one of my classes this year on the affect of the evangelical church on North American culture, and the reciprocation therein. What I discovered was somewhat alarming but not really at the same time. People who were turned off by the success driven nature of many from the "boomer" generation who made a profession out of their faith. Perhaps this kind of thing causes people not to necessarily become atheists, but more agnostic or even simply anti-christian in their beliefs because they don't want to become like what they've seen "christians" being.

That's a rant that I didn't intend to delve into but I'm alright with it.

The stuff that's really on my mind has more to do with church reflecting the nature of Jesus Christ instead of broken humanity. I know there will always be an element of brokenness because we are not perfect and we cannot therefore represent the perfection that is Jesus' love. We can however back away from striving to achieve success in the 'evangelical empire' and seek to reflect the love of Christ in what we do and say. The question i am asking these days is more like "what if" instead of the "why". What if there was a community of believers who existed on purpose without a building in which to meet? What if the leader didn't rely on the congregation for a pay check (though there's nothing wrong with doing so, it's biblical, it's all good)? What if they didn't meet every sunday to "worship" like you see with regular churches? What if teaching came through e-mail or blog or a video feed online? What if the weekly "service" was actually serving somewhere in the community? What if the fellowship of believers happened on a daily basis through relationships and "small group" type settings in people's homes? What if the focus of the community was discipleship (including biblical teaching, prayer, worship, etc.)? What if a group of people abandoned the traditional form of "church" and sought to be a Christ-like community? What if people could be the church without having a "church"?

These aren't questions that seek to destroy what currently exists as church communities or to defame them, instead they seek to discover what a fellowship of believers is and should look like that may not include all of the elements found in what we currently know as church. I'm sure communities like this exist already, and probably even well known ones, but this is where my mind is at these days.

I do not want to be the kind of person who tries to deconstruct or tear down the thoughts or ideas or practices of others, rather I want to be the kind of person who honestly seeks truth and if some people or ideas are found to be a little or a lot off base, that is really not my concern. Truth is what I seek, Christ is who I seek.

Freedom

2009-03-10T09:08:00.005-06:00

Today in my Christianity and Culture class, we're going through the typology of a guy named Jacque Ellul who lived entirely within the 20th century, he died in 1984. He writes a lot on technology and what he calls "technique." Technique is essentially an overarching rule or law that arises from the human drive to better technology and increase the "quality of life." The problem with technique is that it ends up controlling how a person lives, and even those (in Ellul's mind) who try to fight it ultimately in their resistence produce a new form of "technique." The logic follows and he does come up with some solutions, basically to fight against what is seen as "necessity", those things society views as essential to life, to live simply. This of course is within the context of a technological society, where he found himself.

Ellul claims that freedom only comes when one refuses to allow this "necessity" to control their life. Whether all of his train of thought is impervious to rebuttal is moot, my thoughts from this discussion stem from the point of freedom being apart from this "necessity."

I am caught in this idea. Freedom. Is that not what so many people desire? Is that not what we teach in church? One may argue that freedom is really only found in Christ, I would not disagree.

In fact, I think that's what Ellul is trying to get at ultimately. His plea is for the "Church" to actually reflect a Christ community, instead of being driven by success or what people view as success, to discover that Christ was actually showing us how to be free from the "system" of society. Jesus challenged the Pharisees to do that, and unfortunately the more experience I have with "Church" the more I see similar attitudes to those of the Pharisees of the New Testament.

I also see people whose genuine desire is to see Christ glorified in everything they do and exist in the "necessary evil" of the evangelical world as it is right now because that is our current existence.

I long for freedom. I long for personal freedom in every way, not to do whatever I feel like doing but to be released from this notion of "technique" that seems to have been forced upon me by a generation that has become separated from the culture in which it exists.

I have come back to this post after a couple weeks have passed and in the same class (you may think that because I'm writing that I'm not paying attention, it's actually because I'm paying attention that I write) and today we are discussing postmodernity. That all too nauseating term that has been said and fought for a number of years now. However sickening one may become from hearing the term, I think it would be irresponsible to neglect the present existence in this place and time.

Postmodernity is basically the context in which we live here in Canada and the US. Much of Europe I think would probably even fall into it as well, though my understanding/knowledge of Europe is very limited. A big question that arises when this topic surfaces has to do with the whole notion of Truth, that which is absolute, or not. Those who have been raised in modernity struggle and fight against the thought of postmodernity denying absolutes, especially when it comes to truth. It's scary for them, for who see the truth of Scripture and Jesus Christ as something that must be exactly as they have understood it in order for their faith to remain.
I love truth, it's nice to have a foundation like that, but how can it be a foundation if it is merely a perspective and not reality. I think that's what the main issue is, denying individual perspectives and seeking what simply is. The problem with postmodernity is that it seems to be a pendulum swing that is merely opposing that which has previously existed, going from one extreme to another. The problem with modernity is that simply holds on to that "absolute" that they have been engrained with because if that breaks down, their faith is ruined. The concept of truth, as modernity sees it, is a nice concept that allows those who hold to it not to think about it, basically taking it for granted.

I don't want to be a cynic on this issue, it's just something that I'm thinking about. I think the "structure" can be abandoned without losing the reality of Christ. I think the "absolutes" that modernity is so afraid of losing can be questioned without Jesus Christ being kicked out His position as King. Ultimately, it's the structure that has become the technique which Ellul spoke so much of. Modernity and it's style has become technique, postmodernity seeks to question the technique, in search of something is more flexible. But for Ellul, this too will become technique. The freedom is found in relationship, with God and with people. Freedom may be subjective for some, but it's what many long for, being released from the "necessity" of life is what will free us in our faith and action. It may not make sense, that's ok, I'm not sure I understand it completely.

Lego in a Graduate Class

2009-02-20T16:39:00.001-06:00

this is what we've learned in our module class this week.

On the relevance of the church.

2009-01-30T12:50:00.003-06:00

This is not my first time to vomit my thoughts on the Church around here, and I'm willing to guess that it won't be the last, considering what I've been thinking about recently.

I am considering the question of whether or not the church is relevant to our culture today in North America (or perhaps the Western World). The more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to wonder if that is a question we should really be asking of the Church (that is, the church universal). Furthermore, I really don't think that relevance is what we need at this point in time. In fact, come to think of it, I really don't think that relevance is that we need at all, ever.

Ultimately I think the question we need to be asking ourselves as those who claim to serve Christ, and as the community that makes the same claim, has more to do with how are we representing Christ and portraying Him to the world around us instead of whether or not people care about what the church is doing, or if we are "reaching the lost".

Now, before you go getting your gitch all twisted up and angry at me even thinking such a thing, top and think for a minute what I'm actually trying to say. What I am trying to say, but perhaps my words fail to do so is that it seems to me that for a number of years there has been a "holy obsession" (that which people think is right an honorable, but may not in fact be so) with being "relevant" to our culture in what we do and say. We try to translate what we believe into terms that we think will be easier to understand for those who don't know what Jesus is, and making sure that our services are "seeker sensitive" or appealing to the masses, who simply look for some sort of polish on production.

Even certain "movements" in the Christian world, like the "emerging church"or the call to be "missional" seem to fall into this sort of people pleasing system of carrying out teaching and essentially some sort of more positive image for the Church.

But even this I think falls short of what it is that we are indeed actually called to be as those who have inherited that Child of God status. I guess what I'm really wondering about any specific church movement or icon is who they/we are trying to please or what they/we are trying to actually accomplish.

The deconstruction of the church has happened before. I'm wondering if that's what is needed and indeed what is beginning to happen among some communities. Has the "Evangelical Church" begun to show some evidences of being like the Roman Catholic Church of the pre-reformation period? This is an honest question. The very idea of it disturbs me, but I can't help be wonder if there is some truth to it. If that is indeed at least partially true, then what should be our response?
I exist as a part of a denominational system that I support but I also question. There are certain aspects of the training and the organization structure that grate on me. I can't reconcile the current system with what I see as a New Testament church ideal. I believe there needs to be education for those who desire to be pastors, I also believe that pastors should be held accountable to what they are teaching and their personal theology, but I think that the present process is seriously flawed.
For the Christian and Missionary Alliance there are two significant current steps that one must go through, Accreditation and Ordination. Of course only men can complete both. Woman are permitted to be accredited but not ordained. There is a fundamental flaw here, but that can be discussed elsewhere. It seems to me that this is just an institutional form of control, based upon a man-made system that inevitably fails to maintain the standard it has set for itself. Women are denied access to leadership because of it, and some men are denied leadership because they don't say the right things.
This is just a small example of the problem of institution. I am not criticizing my denomination, I am however stating the issues that exist.

So I revert to my earlier question, who is it that we are serving? Is it people who don't seem interested in what the "church" is doing or saying or who are interested but are against it? Or is it the God who created us to be in community with each other, to love and serve others, especially those who are in need. There are indeed people who are in line with what God desires, but I wonder how many of us are missing the point.

Sometimes I wanna go where everybody knows my name

2009-01-17T23:38:00.002-06:00

I'm cleaning out my closet right now and that's not some metaphorical jargon, it's literal. I'm cleaning out my closet because basically every box full of stuff that I have has been stashed in my closet for the last 8 months. I'm doing this in preparation for the new bed that is arriving for me tomorrow, my Christmas gift from my roommates ( I am still pretty blown away that they'd get me something like that) and I want to make my room into something of an actual bedroom instead of a den for hibernation on a nightly basis. Or as Jessy would put it, I'm trying to make it more "welcoming" but that's another topic for another day.
I came across a box of stuff that my parents sloughed off on me in the summer time, old stuff of mine from when I still lived at home that they no longer wanted to store for me, though I maintain they have much more space than I at this point in time. I know there are others but the first one I opened had a mish-mash of papers and trophies and stuff from high school and college days. Most of it was old receipts and student records from school, as well as some old Christmas cards and whatnot. But the stuff that got me thinking back to days gone by (some people in this position would say "better days" I'm sure, but I don't agree with such an assessment, life gets better as it progresses, in my opinion) was a pile of birthday cards and notes and such from friends who have played a pretty big role in my formation.
It's not just because there was bounty of birthday cards, which I rarely receive in abundance anymore (also made me think of the fast approaching birthday blues I will be sure to have in a week's time), but it was what was said in a lot of these cards and notes that made me think.
Words that were tossed around about my character, or apparent character at the time made me wonder if those same words could be used to describe me now.
Words and ideas like "reliable" or "safe" or "caring" or even "godly" surfaced more than once and caused me to wonder if that could be a description of me now.
I really hope so, that's definitely a concoction of descriptors that I don't want to lose. But even shifting the focus off of myself, the people who wrote those notes are people that I don't want to lose or forget.
Of course, it is a number of years later and lives have all changed as have some of those relationships grown distant, but at the same time they have that aspect of "picking up where we left off" whenever we meet. I like that. It's a good thing if you ask me. People change, lives change, relationships change, but they don't always have to finish completely. I can look back and remember how different people have contributed to my life and hopefully vice-versa.
Most of those people have moved on to be married and some to have children, and it's fun to see them now and remember them then, to see how they've changed and how they're the same.

I guess in a sense this is a sort of Thank You to those who have been a part of my life experience thus far, some more than others and some in different ways than others. I think if anyone is reading this chances are you're one of those people. I appreciate the relationships that we've had, even though it likely wasn't perfect, and I probably caused some frustration or anger, or hurt or have been frustrated or angry or hurt, I appreciate it nonetheless.
I guess I am discovering how wealthy I really am, obviously not monetarily speaking. But then again, who reads these things anyway?

Read it and weep...

2009-01-14T23:31:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting here in my living room, it's 10:30 at night, I got home from youth a little while ago and I've been introspective tonight, as I usually become when I feel I don't have the grace needed to show it to those around me. It's of course not from someone else doing something, just simply I'm not in the proper frame of mind to handle things that I don't want to. So I withdraw and think upon the issues, I should converse with God in the midst of it but recently I can't say that's my first instinct.
But tonight as I squirm in my skin at the thought of how I can be and think upon what's going on, it came to mind that I should simply approach the throne of grace in my time of needing grace.
I find it far easier to understand the grace of God for others than I do for me. One can commit the most heinous of crimes and I can see the need for God's grace in that person's life and am more than willing to express that to them (of course it's hypothetical, I've not known anyone to commit what I might consider "heinous" crimes) but find it hard to grasp this concept for my own life. That God would have grace and mercy on me is almost beyond my comprehension.
But as I sit here, thinking about grace, I thought it necessary to read something from Scripture in hopes that I may hear some whisper from the Almighty.

I traveled through the short book of 1 John, mainly because it's short, but also because I remember talking about it with someone recently though I don't remember the context of the discussion. Though the thought came to me with no real connection to the text, a connection would come eventually. I couldn't help but wonder how in the world so many hateful crimes, eras, people and occasions could be developed in the midst of something so symphonic in nature. What I mean to say is that I am completely taken aback by all of the things that can be traced back to someone's interpretation of the Bible, that have destroyed lives throughout history in such a negative tone.
Of course, when one doesn't know how to properly interpret Scripture, context is destroyed and the message skewed, but it's troublesome for me to think about how often hate has come from a message so full of love, one that calls a person to a life that is generous and giving and not leeching.
It even causes me to try to grasp how so many places that claim to be the "body of Christ" are in practice the very opposition of what they claim to be. I don't believe that I'm jaded...well not on church as a whole anyway. That is, I haven't had bad experience with "church" to give me some sort of bitter outlook on it. But like I said, I don't believe that I'm jaded, I am simply disturbed by the seemingly vast numbers of people who show up to churches in North America on weekends or even during the week for the sake of tradition or ritual and completely miss the point. It causes my heart to ache.
How has the one place that should be welcoming and inviting to those who feel like they don't deserve the very breath inside them because of something they've done to someone else or themselves become the place that scares them away? How has "church" become the place where people put on their "sunday best" and paint on a smile, in hopes that people won't find out how screwed up their lives really are? How has the support network of true "Christian" fellowship turned into the breeding ground for distasteful humor and gossip that destroys?

It's around here that the connection to 1 John started to become more clear to me. This is a letter written to instruct a group of people (it's not entirely clear what group) on what it looks like, practically, to follow Christ and what love really means. As I read 1 John and think upon many church communities that I have experienced and some that I've heard of, the two pictures don't seem to line up with one another.
I starting to believe that "institution" as many know has no place within the parameters of the faith. It's not a matter of institution or rules or religiosity, it's a matter of life. If, according to 1 John, the evidence of God in our lives is to love others.......how many of us really can say that God is in us?
I'm terrified to admit that there are times when my life is completely or near completely devoid of that presence.
So if evidence of God in our lives is to love others, should our "churches" not be the very place that sin can be openly brought to light (of course, there are definitely things that don't need to be shared with an entire congregation, in fact it's not healthy to do so. But I am speaking as a matter of general principle) without fear of disownment or verbal abuse or hatred?
I think it's the "holier than thou" attitude that I am addressing...it can't exist if we are living as true biblical communities, it just can't. But alas, it seems to.

I honestly grieve over this thought and certainly hope to contribute in a positive manner to the shift that I believe needs to take place, not giving into the lie of "saving face".

It is for these reasons that I really appreciate some of Derek Webb's solo musical work, for he writes the words of my heart on this issue. take a look at his songs "New Law" and "King and a Kingdom" and you'll understand what I mean.

People may not read this, but it's now officially a burden that I do not carry inwardly.

I have gas...

2008-11-29T18:52:00.000-06:00

I have gas...that is all

2008-09-14T08:26:00.002-06:00

Are you ever bothered by the state of your life? I don't mean circumstance, because a lot of times what's happening around us has little to do with us making it happen, (ie. death of a friend or family member, someone visiting unexpectedly, catching a cold from someone at work, etc.).
I mean the state of affairs that you have clearly and undeniably caused in your own life. Whether good or bad, the "idea of making your own bed" (I will skip the "lying in it" part for now) is what I'm talking about. We can read books, watch movies, even hear stories from the lives of other people of either desperation in difficult moments brought on by self destruction or moments of greatest where people rise to an occasion, sometimes even repeatedly.
Perhaps it's even something that you can think back on your life and recognize having done something like that. My question this morning that I'm asking myself is this...what causes a person to do such a thing (put him/herself in a position, whether good or bad)?
Why do I make decisions that will hurt me in the end, even if I know what the result will be before I even do it?
Or why do I work hard at something and see the benefit?
I think the answer to the latter is pretty simple. We want to see good things happen in our lives, and that's not a bad thing. It's great to strive to greatness, so long as it's not at the cost of humility.
I think the answer to the former is also relatively simple though not easily accepted (I think that's really what I'm thinking on today). We do stupid things, I do stupid things, because I'm stupid. Too crass? Perhaps, but basically true I think. What I mean is, we make decisions that aren't the best for us in the end sometimes because we honestly think that the outcome will turn out well, but sometimes I think it's simply because we're stupid. We allow the sinister voice in our minds (call it what you will) to convince us to do wrong, even if we know the outcome will not serve us well in the end. That's sin, it's in our fallen nature. Obviously the Bible talks much about this portion of humanity that Jesus seemed to be able to fight much more holistically than we are able to without divine intervention.
So I revert back to the original question...do you ever find yourself bothered by the state of your life? I do. Currently I am.
Unfortunately I think that part of why I am so bothered is because I fell culprit to the tendency of pride. Striving for greatness for greatness sake, to be lifted up as the great and awesome ME. It stings to realize something so harsh of oneself. Often we don't want to admit to being arrogant or full of pride (unhealthy pride, sinful pride), but at the same time it's all too oft the pride that causes us to blind ourselves from it.
I think I fell prey to the "sin of grandiosity" as one professor/friend of mine so eloquently worded it. Basically, I want to be great for my name's sake. To become the greatest of pastors because I want people to look to me. It's sickening when I think about it, that I could use such a privileged position (not earned by any means) to try to make something of myself.
Now, being that I'm still 25, and Jesus didn't even enter into full on ministry until he was 30ish, hopefully this is an immaturity thing that will shift as I grow older. It may very well be, but if I don't recognize it and learn to battle it, it can very easily become a monster that lurks beneath the surface of everything I do (similar to the theme of Andy Stanley's book "What Lies Beneath", incredible book if you ever get the chance to read it).
Those who know me well know that I have a tendency to be my worst critic, and I won't disagree. I can be a little harsh on myself sometimes. But in this particular instance, I don't see it as being harsh so much as honest. It's something that I'm not pleased with at all. I don't want to become the person who strives for great things in life simply because I want the enjoyment of them or because I want people to like me, or because I want to become a 'sage' of some sort to whom all people look for advice.
I think John Eldredge stated it well in his book "The Way of the Wild Heart" (also worth reading) when he mentioned that the position of "King" (essentially the noble leadership to which mostly more progressed people are assigned, ie. senior pastor) should not be desired, it should be something that a person is lead or pushed by God into. If it's something you desire, than you're not likely ready for it, if it's something you recognize you can't achieve by your own merit, then your heart is right for the job with the aid of the Father.
So why am I bothered by the state of my life right now? Mainly because I have allowed things to fester within me without dealing with them, without repenting of them, and without handing myself fully over to be healed and renewed by God for quite some time. I have coasted, I have not lived. I have become arrogant in some ways, allowing pride to dictate my actions.
It's hard to relinquish control, it's hard to lay it all out on the table.
I am challenged this morning by a sermon I heard last night on the commandment of God to have no other gods but Him.
Is it possible to deify yourself and place yourself before God? Yes, and I think that's the biggest problem that a lot of us have. Some are just more apt to battle it than others.
I'm pretty selfish, and I'm not a fan of that. It comes out in a lot of what I do, others may see it, or they may not, but I see it and God sees it, and that is why I'm bothered.
So what's the solution? Do something about it. Seek out the Father, turn myself over to Him, relinquish control (continually, which is a struggle) and walk in faith that what He says He'll do, He'll do.
And to prove that I really am as selfish as I say I am, this is all written for my sake, not for anyone else's. So that I can come back and read this again later and remember the situation again. Also so I can process at this moment all that is happening.

Can't Sleep

2008-09-11T00:25:00.002-06:00

I occasionally find myself awake at night, my mind and body refusing to shut down for much needed rest, tonight is no exception.
I have also found some solace in the spewing of words and thoughts into this particular page, knowing that it's not just some secret place to hide everything, but just the potential even one person reading this means that it's no longer locked in my heart.
I don't know nor can I begin to understand the strangeness of releasing thoughts into oblivion and the comfort that it provides.
Of course, I'm quite confident that there are few who even stumble across this page anymore, but it's the action, not the audience, that counts in these instances.

Perhaps I'm just not tired, but I don't think that's the case. Perhaps I ate something strange and it's affecting my sleep pattern this evening, but again, I doubt it's relevance. Especially because of the pattern that I'm discovering arises on occasion for periods of time where I don't sleep well.
But I've also been dreaming, in the short instances that I do slip off into an unconscious realm. That may not seem strange, but I don't normally remember my dreams, nor do those that I do remember contain recurring themes or characters, and that's what's happening.

Anyway, regardless of reason, I can't sleep tonight, and I just need to write something, anything, hopefully to deter my thoughts from keeping me awake all night.
I have to admit, I have struggled with the changes that have come my way in the last while. Not with right or wrong choices or anything like that, but simply adjusting to circumstance.
I'm in a place that is full of people, a city of over a million people, and yet I still feel as isolated as the "survivorman" when he finds his way through the wilderness of some remote region of the earth.
This is to nobody's fault in particular, I think it's just a matter of adjusting well, which I have not been able to do.
I'm bothered by much these days, by things in my own character that are flawed and need work. About my current relationship with the Almighty. About my current views of the opposite (and finer) gender, and many other things that could probably fall in an "in between" category.
I suppose ultimately I see myself as inadequate in all of these situations. Somehow not quite reaching some unattainable standard that I've placed in my mind for everything in life.
I have a tendancy towards placing high expectations upon myself, too high. Not that one shouldn't strive for excellence in everything, but one most certainly shouldn't expect perfection, because that is simply not possible.
I feel inadequate, or even that I've missed something when it comes to regular intimacy with God. That somehow I have to have been sinless for a period of time, or that I need to put on some sort of persona just to say 'hello'. Of course in my mind I know that this is absurd to think because it's just simply not true and there are passages of Scripture to support it, not to mention personal experience to over rule my thought processes.
When it comes to other people, I feel that I must reach a certain quota of acts of kindness or service to merit friendship. Also absurd.
I think ultimately with these two areas, it's more a matter of acceptance that God loves unconditionally. And that people don't always expect something in return for kindness. That perhaps they even want me around.
This isn't me airing dirty laundry, just simply shortcomings that I'm wrestling with right now.
When it comes to fast approaching seminary classes, I'm terrified that I won't be able to keep up, or that I won't comprehend what is being thrown at me.
When it comes to relationships in general, I fear that I don't measure up.

I think really, behind all of the aformentioned issues in my mind is a strong desire to skip ahead in life. What I mean is, I don't want to climb the mountain, I just want to be at the top. I don't want to have to put in the work to get the result, the sinful nature within me just wants what I wants and I wants it now!
I don't want to have to go through stretching periods of growth where I have to realign myself with truth and Savior if I've found myself off track.
I don't want to have to push myself beyond the door of my house to get acquainted and reaquainted with people of like mind. I don't want to have to work at friendships, new and old.
I don't want to have to work at getting into the "groove" of school work.
I don't want to have to put myself on the line the mend broken friendships, or to do so to introduce the possibility of romance into my life...
With all of these things there is an annoying little voice in the back of my mind that constantly says "just give up, it's not worth it", and I recognize the need to ignore and destroy such a thought. But there is a much greater voice that tells me that it is only through danger and toil that one can really thrive.
These are all the dangers and toils of my life right now, they will change, they will intensify, and down the road I may even reminisce and wish for the days when my only fears were of failing a class of being rejected. But, as for now, I need to face the current situation with resolute passion to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if there may not seem to be one right now.

So now, I will retreat back to my pillow and pray that with sleep God will calm my soul tonight, and with love to wake me up with a fresh view of what's ahead.

Brain Farting

2008-05-21T13:37:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting in my office, that will only actually be my office for a few more days...10 to be exact. Since I have so little time left, there's not really much that I have to do. And those things that I can do aren't really doable during regular office hours cause students are in school and most people are at work.
With all that's happening these days, I find that I need to release thoughts out of my head so that I don't go nuts.
I picked up a new vehicle the other day from one Mike Schalin. I'm pretty excited about driving some new wheels, mostly because I've been looking at getting a new car for a while now and it's actually happened. It's newer and nicer than my former car, and actually probably than any other car I've ever had. Though I must admit that it wouldn't have been possible to reach that point in vehicular greatness were it not for the incredible anonymous gift from a church goer in Calgary whilst I was on internship of a free car. That car held much appreciation with it, unfortunately it got totaled in an accident a few years back, otherwise I'm sure I'd still be driving it today (the accident was of no fault of mine).
This new car, however, represents a lot more than just me styling and profiling in a hardcore station wagon. It represents a new beginning in a sense, with a move to another province, to a city that I once called home and will soon be doing so again.
After months of sleepless nights (not literally, though darn close) and a ton of asking other (God, friends, colleagues, that guy in the 7/11) what it is that I'm supposed to be doing and unbelievable internal struggle as to what my purpose in my current church and ministry and even in future ministries is and should be, it came to a very difficult conclusion to head back into the land of academia and seek out higher education.
This is such a bittersweet existence right now as I walk through a number of "lasts" here in North Battleford and look towards something that I'm really not sure how all will turn out. While I've always been open about my personal feelings towards this place as a choice to live it wouldn't be my number one, there is more than just location to be considered. Something I'm only learning now is how attached I have become to this place with all it entails. Of course it's always people that make a place endearing, I've learned to love people here.
I've really learned to love my students, and I can call them that, they're mine (you're mine!) ha. Not because of some strange obsession or anything like that, but simply because I have invested so much in them and they in me I feel a sense of attachment to them greater than just youth and youth leader. They are my friends, my students, in a very real sense those whom I've served.
As I sifted through all of the thank you notes and gifts received from the farewell that was held for me, of course being who I am, I shed a few tears and certainly laughed at some of the comments made. But more than anything I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of unworthiness. It's hitting me hard today, it's such a privilege to be given a position of spiritual leadership. I think I've known that in my head before but it's really sinking in today. It's incredible the responsibility that it is but it's by no means a right. I haven't earned it, it doesn't matter how much school I go through, how many years of experience, how much I got paid before, none of it matters, it's something that for whatever reason God has placed on my heart to do and has given me the chance to do it.
I think that's what should and does hold many pastors accountable to their task, not any rules or regulations (though many like to think such is the case), it's not other people (though important) it's the simple and immense gift of God that most certainly should keep us in place.
Sadly, even in my own experience, we don't always get it. Somehow a pastor can lose perspective and forget that his position is a privilege not a right. And that's when things begin to happen within that person that may very easily cause big problems. I've been caught in this before and I pray that it will not happen again.
As I inch closer and closer to moving back to Calgary there is sorrow in my heart because of leaving a place I've grown to appreciate and leaving people for whom I care deeply. At the same time there is a sense of wonder and excitement for what's to come in the near future. I think it's going to be much harder getting used to Calgary this time than it was the first time. I think there is going to be some struggle settling back in there, especially knowing that it's likely going to be very different than it was before, and many of the people I was close to while there in the past have either moved onto other places or I've drifted from them. There's apprehension and anticipation in this move.
I guess that's about all that's running through my mind right now, except for one last thing....
Anyone want to buy a house in North Battleford? I know of a good one.

The truth will set you free

2008-04-15T10:34:00.002-06:00

In recent conversation with a young man (same age as me) from the Baha'i "faith" and now in seeing Oprah's most recent "spiritual" endeavor, I need to air some thoughts because otherwise I will most certainly go insane.
Before any of this (for lack of a better term) 'new age' philosophy really started rolling through my mind I began to take part in "The Truth Project" with a small group from another church in town (for the purpose of checking it out to potentially use it in our church's small group ministry).
Normally I am slightly on guard when it comes to a mass production from Focus on the Family because of the tremendously conservative swing that they normally put on topics, which I don't necessarily agree with 100% with regards to culture and that sort of thing. But this Truth Project curriculum has really been catching my eye. Ultimately I respect organizations like Focus on the Family for their pursuit of holiness and their approach to family life in this messed up world. The Truth Project takes a look at the foundational truth of Scripture and essentially puts it under a microscope to test it against other philosophies and theologies that are out there. In the end it always comes down to Scripture being true, God being God, and all the other truths of Scripture.
So with all of this in the background of my mind recently, I received an e-mail after preaching a sermon on the beginning of relationships (Genesis 1-3) from a 25 year old guy who was in the service that morning, who is of the Baha'i tradition. It took a couple weeks for us to finally meet up, but we eventually did get the chance to sit down in a coffee shop and chat about religion. Essentially, it seems that he is some sort of Baha'i evangelist or something, not trying to "convince" me of anything, but rather trying to "reveal" the "real truth" to me.
If you don't know anything about the Baha'i faith, google it and read up on it, it's slightly interesting but incredibly inconsistent in fundamental beliefs, from what I have gathered (I'm certainly not an expert). This study has had me thinking on the cultural beliefs of this country/continent and of course then Oprah chimes in on the matter.
I received another e-mail of a youtube video of some weird thing that Oprah's book club has recently delved into. An online seminar or something like that from some dude's book about discovering how you're god or some crap like that.
This is not even close to being a new teaching, it's been heard over and over again for centuries. But what is it that draws 2 million people (likely only a small percentage in actually) towards viewing this kind of online seminar of becoming awakened or enlightened?
Why is it so easy to buy into something that leads one to the "all-knowing" power of self and so easy to reject beliefs that when actually understood (by a well known 'person' know as the Holy Spirit) not only make sense but provide answers to the seemingly unanswerable questions?
I suppose I'm coming at this from a biased perspective, it's admittedly difficult for me to come at this from any other perspective because I simply don't hold to them, and it simply doesn't make any sense to me.
Regardless of my perspective, what is it that draws a person to this belief that the ultimate realization that a person can reach is to discover the power of YOU.
Here's what I think, and it's almost anti-climactic if you ask me, but we like ourselves! I know you must be thinking "That was a real stroke of genius there chief." But ultimately I think that's why it's so easy for someone to buy into it, especially in a culture so saturated with greed. "If it means good for me, then I'm cool with that" is sort of the idea that surrounds us.

I can understand why something like that is attractive, it elevates the person to a level of divinity that nobody besides Jesus can ever meet. It's this ancient beast that rages within people to try to replace God with themselves. Ancient because it can be found in the very first moment of sin on this planet, no matter what your view of the Genesis creation account may be, the simple fact of sin is undeniable and the essence of sin is to push God aside and to put self in that place. Beast because it's a nasty side of fallen humanity that will go to the greatest lengths to see itself thrive, even to the point of removing God from the personal equation.

My problem with this whole philosophy of people being "god," is not only that people are desperately attempting to remove God, because that is most certainly the downfall of humanity, but that they are doing so with a ridiculous philosophy that doesn't do what they are hoping it will. It's a feel good thing....if I can try to legitimize my existence with anything, then I will feel good about myself, and that's what I need, to feel good.
Here's where I think this whole idea falls apart, no matter how you look at it, the attempt is deify humanity, but the result is a deplorable existence that accounts for no real answers to anything else in the world.
If humans are in fact "God", and God is merely a concept that has been created by humanity, then what of the problems all around the world? If humanity was some sort of greater power, why is the earth being rapidly destroyed by the plight of people?
If God is not actually a higher power, then there's not any greater cause to existence than merely existing, in fact you are limiting God by claiming divinity in humanity.
That's not a creative order that works very well at all.
Now, I have to admit, I don't know the whole story of the book in question, but it's not new philosophy, it's just reworded. And perhaps there's something in there that I'm missing on a deep level, but I doubt it.
People have so demoralized themselves that they don't see how destructive they are, it bothers me. It also causes me much heartache that others have no less than blamed the notion of "God" for all the problems in the world, shifting the blame from fallen humanity to the Creator of all things....wow. Then to think on how many levels this happens in minute details of life, even for those who are Christians, being changed by the grace of God, that's what bothers me.

Then the question arises in my mind....who's out there to fight such "hollow and deceptive philosophy?" I think there are pastors and scholars who exist that will do so, which is great. What about 20 years from now when the same things arise again? Who will be around to combat such beliefs? I don't fear the downfall of Christianity because it's not going to happen, but I do fear the deception of many millions of minds because someone simply appeals to their desire for significance and leads them away from Truth.
Ultimately God doesn't need us, me, whatever. But He does use us, me, etc. He does choose to make the truth known through his people, so who will it be? Will it be me? My friends and colleagues now? Those who are younger than me?
You can very easily see from recent North American history that religion is being removed from society, but also that society as people are trying to make it, has a very dismal outlook and ideas that promote the deification of humanity simply contribute to this downward spiral.

So what do we need? Well, essentially we need relief, we need to see the return of Christ, but that's his timing and we have no control over that. Ultimately there's not much we do have control of. But I think we need people to take responsibility for their generations. I think people who are of my age/generation need to wake up and perhaps realize that there's an urgency in forever, it doesn't give us license to relax, it gives us responsibility to act.

perhaps this is all old news, stuff that people hear over and over again and I'm just way behind. Perhaps my own view of the situation is far from what really is the case, I don't know, I actually kinda hope that's the case, cause then many more people will realize that they need to step up.

Curiousity has got a hold on me

2008-02-21T11:39:00.003-06:00

I've had the opportunity to come across a couple different views and opinions of Christian leaders and organizations. I recognize that basically every person who represents Christ in a public way will come across some opposition, and some more than others. Honestly, reading different articles and comments makes curious as to why these types of things happen.
I do recognize that most of the time the most vocal and perhaps even merited opposition comes from Christian people who simply disagree. I don't question people's disagreement because everyone has slightly skewed beliefs, unfortunately we're not really able to be 100% correct on everything, nobody is. But what I do question is the motive behind the often harsh and poorly presented arguments.
Scripture does account for rebuking those who do not hold to sound doctrine and teach falsehood (Titus 1:9 and others) but were you to find every passage of scripture that refers to this sort of practice, they are surrounded by specific contexts (suprise) that must be considered. Such as the Titus verse to which I referred, Paul is addressing Titus on dealing with people in Crete and speaks of making sure elders hold to a standard so they are able to refute those who oppose sound doctrine. But elsewhere in Scripture you will find passages that speak directly to not judging people in such harsh ways unless you're ready to be judged in that same way (Matthew 7).
I'm not suggesting that people shouldn't be corrected, because they should, when in the wrong. I am, however, suggesting that people need to be careful how they go about trying to "correct, rebuke and encourage" (2 Tim. 4:2).
I suppose what bothers me most is when people do whatever they can to drag a person's name or reputation through the mud simply because they disagree on some point that was made, either because they didn't understand what was actually being said and heard something different or because they are in error themselves and honestly believe they are right.

That being said, I recognize that I'm not always 100% correct. People have called me on things that I've said and I've been shown to be in error, the opposite has happened as well where someone has expressed their distaste for what I've said and they've been in error.
I simply struggle with the idea of openly, outwardly, and even publicly (whether in person or on the internet or other forms of media) refuting a person's teaching without wrestling with it yourself, weighing it against a sound biblical standpoint and without attempting to discuss it with that person in some way.
I suppose what my real problem is that those who will go on record as refuting a Christian leader because they disagree don't seem to make room for their own theological misinterpretations.
Yes we most certainly need to put weigh any Christian teaching against Scripture to see that it is correct, but I also think that one should attempt to do so without an arrogance and perhaps even ignorance in thinking with the "I'm right, you're wrong" mentality. Some teachers are really out to lunch, completely inaccurate Biblically, and just plain nuts. But those who are well known for their style of teaching and leadership, respected by evangelical pastors by the thousands, I think that a person needs to include those things in their thinking as well to be able to recognize if perhaps they are the one who is wrong, instead of the one they are attacking.

Sound doctrine should be protected, no question. But is style of delivery necessarily a big issue?

the times they are a changin'

2007-09-18T16:46:00.000-06:00

My good friend and colleague Bob Dylan wrote a song with the same title as that of this blog, and I'm not sure that it really has anything to do with this entry, but that's ok, because Bob Dylan isn't really my friend and colleague. But I can say with absolute clarity that it has been entirely too long since I've released the flow of brain juices onto this page and just let a few thoughts out. That may say one thing or many about what's been going on lately.
It may suggest that I've just been way too preoccupied with other forms of entertainment and life stuff to be able to continue on in the world of blogotry. But, it may also suggest that I just haven't had any thoughts rolling around this abnormally large head of mine.
I fear the latter may be more true than the former. I'm sure most people as they roll through periods of life may experience some lack of depth of thought, as a writer may experience that dreaded thing known to me as "writer's block".
Well, since I'm not really a writer, I can't be blocked from something I'm not, but I do feel as though my mind has not been as sharp lately as it has been in the past. It's as if there's a cloud over my head and rain falls wash away whatever may have been growing inside of my mind.
This may be attributed to more than one thing, but for the most part I think I'm just tired in the mental form of the word. My mind is exhausted, as are my heart and soul. There's a good explanation for that, I've cut myself off...
I have lazed about my days, lacking the discipline to return to a true 'comfort zone', where I learn and am fed by the God of all things. Many times I've taught and spoken the message that in order to not only maintain, but build a relationship with your Creator, you must spend time with Him. I think I've fallen prey to the predator of many in the pastoral profession, busy-ness.
Such is a pace that I have no desire to maintain or even support in my life. There are times of rest needed in everyone's life. When they are missed, they are dearly missed. And it's not meant to be a race of disproportionate means, running as hard as possible until you can no longer breathe, rather it is meant to be a steadied pace, with which anyone can keep up. Saving the energy for the final stretch, but keeping a constant speed to maintain a healthy heart rate.

Going too hard until your body, mind, and soul are crushed under the weight of imbalance is in no way healthy and will destroy in the end. That's why people tire, fade, wain in their strength. I'm not to the point of no return yet, there's still time for me to carry too fast of a pace and too heavy of a burden for a while. But I don't want to, nor do I intend to.
I have come to a conclusion, that I need to be careful, with time and energy. With resources and availability, with what I put into everything, and with what I take from others.
It's all a matter of remaining steady at a maintainable pace, I think I need to slow down, just a bit.

Harvest Party '06

2007-07-18T15:56:00.001-06:00

Ahhh, the memories!

Who I want to be

2007-05-28T01:55:00.000-06:00

So I took a bunch of my kids to YC this weekend and I had such a blast. I was incredibly nervous beforehand, because of you course you don't know what to expect for a trip you've never done before, and I have this thing where I get super nervous if I've never led a certain event or trip before. Once the first one's out of the way it's much more relaxing for me.
And I even learned a few things for myself this weekend. It's funny how God will speak to you even if you don't expect it to happen (there's a story for another day).
Amidst the noise (the incredible noise) and the different bands and speakers there was this one worship band who took the stage for a couple of the main sessions. They were called United and they led me towards the throne of God to worship, it was quite the experience (I'm not an experientialist don't worry). But a pastor from their church over there in Australia was with them and he spoke for that session. His name's Phil Dooley, I had never heard of him before, but then again, I hadn't really listened to United too much either.
The ironic thing is that it wasn't a word that was said that struck me, I couldn't tell you what came out of his mouth at that point (I do remember what he spoke on in general though) but this incredible thought raced through my mind over and over again "I want to be like that."
It's not the part where he was on stage speaking to thousands of people, I don't really think I'd have much to say in that respect, though I have to admit, there is a part of me that would love to be a performer professionally...
As he spoke, I noticed how people were gripped by what he was saying, and I noticed that the members of the band (who were on the stage in the background) were there with him. He was introduced as "their youth pastor" and that's where it started. There's a group of people who lead worship all over the world, they've sold thousands of cds and they can get a crowd pumped pretty efficiently, but the still had a guy who was "leading" them in a sense. Of course I don't know the way things work for them intrinsically, it might be far different than I have imagined it to be. But as I observed how intently they listened to him speak and how the entire audience was captured by his story, I thought "I want to be like that." I want to be the kind of guy who is so full of the Spirit of God that people are affected. I want to lead a youth ministry where students don't listen to anything I say because I've asked them to or because I'm funny or really really ridiculously good looking (though I may do/be all of those), I so desperately long for my life to be such a wellspring of joy that overflows from a tight relationship with Christ that people can't help but be gripped with what's being said. And not to have anything to do with how I craft words or how I can do anything, but simply that the truth of God would flow so freely from my lips that the story itself will captivate, cause it's no my story, it's His.
I want to be that kind of pastor, Christian, friend, brother, son, uncle and Lord willing husband and father. So infused with Christ that I'm forgotten, but Christ is proclaimed.
I got such a long way to go, but it's worth the work.
May I take those steps continually.

A moment of relative silence

2007-04-29T23:27:00.000-06:00

I say "relative" because it seems that this house in which I currently live does not see complete silence on the best of days. Sacrifices are indeed made in the life of ministry.
It's now 11:30 in the evening and I should really be heading to bed to rest up for a big day of ordination studies tomorrow but I've unfortunately been thinking again.
A dear friend, though one with whom I've not spent nearly enough time, left a comment on my last post (for those who may not be plugged into facebook, my blog posts are imported to facebook and the comment was left there). In reading the particular comment I began to think of how much respect I have for some people.
There are some people who truly eminate Christ in their personality and practice. There are those who are just so full of Christ that when you see them all you can think is "that is a devoted follower of Christ". It's an incredible thing to witness, but something that blesses me to no end when I run into such people. Of course even the "greatest" of humans has his or her quirks and "downfalls" (for lack of a better term, I should really get into reading dictionaries), but there are definitely some people who, with the way they live and love, somehow make you forget the idiocyncracies of flawed humanity about them.
I suppose upon closer inspection of anyone, one could see the carnality of behaviour, even in the most radiant believer. But I do have to say that I so long to be the kind of person in whom Christ can be seen.
I want to be the kind of person who is humble about himself and boastful of God. I want to be lost in the background of an extravagant scene of servanthood in which only Christ can be seen. I want to be forgotten in the midst of Christ being glorified by anything that might come from my mouth or actions.
The very thought of this brings tears to my eyes mainly because it seems so far from where I am now that I grieve my own inadequacy. But, even as these tears arrive I do remember the reality of the gospel and the words of the apostle Paul as he passionately persued righteousness and urged his Galatian brothers and sisters to do the same said "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me."
Ah, what a sweet melody. Christ lives in me, as long as I live in this body it is by faith in the Son of God who not only loved me, but sacrificed himself for me. It's a love story, of which I am so graciously able to be a part.
I've not arrived, I've not made it, I've not even come close. And oh how I long to reach that goal that has been set, as Paul again asserts he has not "already attained all of this or have already been made perfect" but I will "press on toward the goal, to win the prize, for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Some are just closer to their master than others and I think we see that in the maturity and and composure of those whose walk is closer with Christ.
It's an idealistic approach to a relationship with Christ, I recognize this, but I think we can all think of at least one person who displays qualities of such a relationship with Christ.

And thanks Mel for your kind and encouraging words, God's timing is indeed perfect.

I see things upside down

2007-04-28T22:46:00.000-06:00

It might be because I'm thinking on things of the past today, due to my day starting off (quite early I might add) with a men's study group working through the Wild At Heart video series. Or maybe it's because I'm hanging upside down, but I'm thinking upon life in a slightly different genre of thought this evening.
The likelihood of the latter being the case is slim to none because I've not spent much time in the upside down position before, but the former may have something to offer for a reason. Though I must quickly give props to Derek Webb for the title of his album "I See Things Upside Down", but I will continue with my train of thought.
About a year ago now I read Wild At Heart for the first time upon suggestion from a trusted friend. When I first being wading through the pages and thinking upon the suggestions of John Eldredge to what happens in the heart of a man, everything within me wanted to revolt. In fact I'm sure there's probably a post from when I first began the book where I discussed my stirred spirit. I remember thinking that I was being insulted and basically called a sissy because I didn't fit the mold of what a "man" should be.
Of course, just like the old saying "you can't judge a book by its cover", I think it's fair to suggest that you can't judge a book until you've finished it. As I read on, I began to resonate more and more with the concepts brought forth by Eldredge.
That was much more detail than was needed, but I've recently within the last couple weeks, jumped into taking a journey through the book again, this time with a group of men, much older than me. It's great to actually discuss many thoughts I've had previously (even a year old) instead of just thinking them through on my own.
I think one word that can describe my experiences of the last year or so could very easily be "alone." This doesn't necessarily have a negative connotation to it, though there have definitely been moments of negative aloneness since graduating from school, rather it's more of an accurate description of the forrest through which I've stumbled as life has continued on without me. By that I mean, I don't think I've accurately or properly continued into this still so new phase of post-graduate (not to be confused with post-grad studies) lifestyle. Life beyond school.
This morning as we met and watched a couple scenes from Disney's The Kid as well as the video of Eldredge and his boys for the study, I saw myself in Bruce Willis' character as a grown man in the movie. For those familiar, or not familiar with Eldredge's book, he speaks of a "wound" that every man has sustained at some point in his life (please note, I'm speaking in personal terms, not excluding women in any way except that I'm not one). I'm not the type to adhere to the victim mentality, that somehow it's not my fault for stuff that's happened in my life, in fact I err on the opposite side of that coin, where I take perhaps more responsibility than I should for negative (and even perhaps positive) things that occur. But, regardless, the point is that starting to work through that topic again has caused me to think about a lot of different things.
Do I believe I've been "wounded" if that's what you want to call it, then yes. I think there are instances in my life, words said, words not said, and experiences that I've had that have contributed to my tendancy to isolate myself from others and even moreso close myself off from relational intimacy. I think Eldredge is right when he says that a man needs to face or "walk into" the wound(s) he has endured. The conversation this morning in the video and in the group led to conclusions of many that their "wound" was received from their father. Not necessarily deliberate or even blatent, but boys/young men seek validation from their fathers and don't always receive it. I can't say I didn't receive validation from my own father, he's great! My dad's always been very vocal (whether with spoken or written word) about how proud he is of me and such. So I sat (and now sit) thinking, "I can't pin point a place of a person where that might have happened" and I don't think I need to per se. I don't think it's something that needs to identified specifically to a certain event, rather it's something that needs to be recognized as falsehood, released to Christ and then you're well on your way, maybe not over it, but well on your way to "recovery" of your soul (or however Eldredge may choose to say it).
So I don't sit here a critic tonight, rather I'm sitting here as one trying to identify those things in my own heart that are hindering me from real, deep, meaningful relationships that are Christ centered and healthy from all angles, in order to begin dealing with them and welcoming new realms of relational intimacy that I'm so desperately craving but so innately terrified of.
I guess recognizing that there is something I'm petrified to allow myself to experience again is a good start towards re-discovering some aspects of life on this earth that God has wired into all of us.
Keeping others at arms length is a tiresome game that I'm not ready to keep up much longer, I suppose it's just a matter of allowing myself to be vulnerable again, even if it doesn't always work out for the best for me.
"Let go and let God" is beginning to take on significant meaning to me now.

my utmost apologies

2007-03-26T23:15:00.000-06:00

I have seriously neglected my blog recently. I guess truth be told I haven't really felt like I've had much to contribute, my mind has not been working in the ways that it once did. I haven't really been pondering philosophy/theology nearly as much as I used to, nor have I done so nearly enough.
perhaps I should spend some quality time on the toilet, or set myself up with an epiphany toilet like that of the Janitor on Scrubs in season 3 (yes, I know the season, and episode number- 3, 15) where I can go to escape the rush of the everyday crapper and relax enough to think.
But I guess even beyond not thinking much, I have not spent the time I need and want to spend in prayer and Scripture reading.
I suppose that's something I can reflect on at the moment. How do you maintain a structured pattern when you don't really have structure and you suck at building it. Yes, I know that it's true that you will make a priority of what is important to you and if you don't make God a priority then He must not be important to you....
Well bear with me for a moment here as I exercise these thoughts a little. Is it not possible for someone to be important to you but you feel helpless to make the effort you desire? Perhaps it's fallen humanity, perhaps it's an erroneous perspective, but that's kinda how it seems for me these days.
As a pastor your main job is to care for the "flock" and if you don't have the closeness with the master how can you do so? It's very true, but then there's the seemingly endless list of "to do's" that you can never seem to reach the bottom of and it becomes slightly or tremendously discouraging and depending on your personality....debilitating. How does one pull out of such a "slump?"
Though, I have to give credit to my good friend Mike, who pointed out to me not a week ago that something significant is lacking in my life. That is a mentor. I've only had short experience with such a relationship and it was a tremendous growth period for me, but I am not currently in a relationship as such. I have a solid work relationship with my sr. pastor and as it continues to grow, it's a great thing, but as far as a personal-mentorship relationship, it's just not there.
Part of the problem I think is the shear fact that I'm so internal in most things. I think too much (usually), I keep a lot of stuff inside, and I tend to isolate myself from the very life lines that I need to keep on keeping on. Essentially, it's a neglect of self that is not in any way healthy. I guess the first step is recognition and the second is action...though as I sit and think of it I can't think of anyone within close proximity that might be able to fill that role that I so desperately need.
Of course, non of this is to replace personal time with Christ with some guy who can never fill that void, but it is to enter into a solid one on one relationship with someone who has gone before me in life and can share wisdom with me and kick me in the toosh when the need arises (which is far more than I might like to admit).
I guess the bottom line is, when you land in a hole, there is no such thing as "digging your way out", especially if you don't have a shovel. But to recognize that you need some help from someone else to get you out of there, to actually do the very thing that many of us fight so hard against, cry for help.
help.

I'm such a rebel

2007-02-26T20:38:00.001-06:00

Ok, so this "revival crusade" is still going on, theres two more days of it after today, and I have to be honest, I'm very much looking forward to the last meeting on Wednesday night. I'm sitting in the sound booth as one of the twins preaches.
It's been a great time of learning and growth but so tiring and, really, we weren't meant to be working 18 days in a row...it's not Scriptural.
I could go on about the different things that bug me about these old guys, but they are rather trivial and basically a result of the era in which they grew up and all and not so much a really huge issue. For example their constant mention of the "evils of rock music"...it gets me a little excited and wanting to fight back, but I hold off for the sake of learning something and not causing a disturbance.
There's lots of stuff to be able to take from these meetings that have been going on, but the presentation is a little....less than up to date I guess you could say, and it's, well, too long of a time all at once.
So my question that has been running through my mind for a while now...I'll share it with you...Does God work through people who aren't really in touch with the current culture and use vocabulary years out of date? The only answer I can give is YES. I've seen some pretty incredible workings of the Spirit of God the last couple weeks, even if these guys are old and still pray using "Thee and Thou" and use the KJV fervantly.
God can stretch across a generation gap as such, it's really cool to see, especially when youth are getting up and testifying to the things that God has been revealing to them. How can you not get at least somewhat excited about that? I sure am, even if it means some painful endurance of things that cause me to want to vomit sometimes...God still uses even old people, am I surprised? No, I am humbled cause sometimes I don't want to listen...

This is Daniel Cook, I mean Troy Dunham writing a sermon...

2007-02-16T10:10:00.000-06:00

So obviously the sermon writing has taken a bit of a break, actually I haven't even really started on it for the day yet, but when I have other things on my mind I can't really focus well enough to write up something for a sermon, so I'll get all my nastiness out here because I can and I'll write as many run on sentences as humanly possible.
The truth about me today is that I'm just tired...I don't think there's really any other way to put it. I honestly don't know how people do it with families and spouses and everything. I'm single, so nobody else is really affected by my busy schedule, and not only busy but long hours (like by the end of this week it will have been 80+ hours of work), if I had a family they wouldn't deserve that kind of treatment from me. How does one do it? I'm actually pretty thankful at the moment (though I don't always feel this way) that I am single at this point in life cause it would be way too hard to maintain a healthy/strong/godly relationship with a woman and try and figure this ministry stuff out all at the same time. I guess God really does know what he's doing after all.
Knowing full well that I'd not be able to treat a wife properly as I learn to live and breath a life of ministry, He's allowed me freedom to struggle on my own so that I can gain some ground before bringing someone into my life. I pray it will happen soon but I guess I can't be anything but thankful deep down (though I've been struggling with that lately) that I am where I am and know that God has placed me here for some purpose beyond my limited understanding.
But alas my sermon doth call my name, I shall resign to writing of the great things of God instead of my lonely little world.

Good times on the zipline

2007-01-25T19:20:00.001-06:00

This is a video I made to show at our district's pastoral prayer retreat to promote peer networks among pastors.
Who knew pastors could have fun?

Fox Hat

2007-01-25T12:04:00.001-06:00

I know it's scandalous, but still funny!

New perspective

2007-01-17T17:02:00.000-06:00

It's 5pm on Wednesday, in just about 2 hours my students will be rolling through the doors and I'm still not completely finished preparing for youth tonight, but that's ok, it's just a matter of filling a few things in, for once I'm not panicking to get everything finished in the last 5 minutes before people are due to show up to the church.
Why am I not just finishing and then taking a few minutes to catch up on some sleep that I've sorely missed the last couple days? Well because just now a thought has illumined my mind and I have to write it down before I forget it (for you fellow Bill McAlpine Homiletics students, WIDOLIF).
You see, I've been struggling a lot lately with my work habits, with the setting I'm in (not the people, just the laid back/easy going/small town atmosphere) and I see all these people around me (in the bigger picture of the Church in North America), I read books of great leaders in the church. I watch videos of successful pastors, and hear sermons from the "big wigs" of faith and I get discouraged. Ironic isn't it? We're supposed to be encouraged from guys like that, God speaks through them, they're leaders of other leaders, they are admirable people.
As I sift through such messages, sermons, and whatever other training that they provide I find myself discouraged cause I don't look anything like them. Well most of them, I'm glad I don't have their physical appearance cause they're just funny looking (Philip Yancey anyone?), but where they are in life, how God's used them, the tremendous leadership qualities that exist in those guys and their success in ministry, I don't look anything like that.
Then it dawned on me, I'm not supposed to look like that. Maybe I'm not ever going to lead a congregation of 20,000 people. I might not have a youth ministry of 1000+ students. I may never write a book, or be sought after to speak at big events, or have youth pastors across the nation asking me the tough questions in hopes of an answer. I'm not supposed to look like them. And even if any or all of those things do happen in my life...It will have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with God's faithfulness.
And...if any of that stuff happens to me, it's often (I say that because of course there are some exceptions) not those guys who have just started out in ministry and still don't know the names of everyone they serve in the church, it's not the guy who's fresh out of Bible college and 6 months into his first real job in ministry. It's not usually the guys who are fresh off the line who are the ones that others look to for those things...It's those guys who have been around a while, they've put in years of service, they've tried and failed, they've crashed and burned (not all of course) they've been tested and they passed.
I'm not that guy, yet. I haven't been around long enough to try and fail, or try and succeed in big ways like that. I don't know enough to be able to give answers to other people, I've got little to write in a book that can help other people.
Scripture clearly speaks of young people and the significance we have in the church and the leadership potential that there is within us. Lots of us will automatically think of that famous verse 1Tim 4:12 "don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set and example...." This is all true, I can set an example for the believers (though I'm not always a good one), but there's still an element of that "seasoned leadership" that I just won't have, unless it's bestowed upon me by God, it's called the "seasoned" part.
I don't have that kind of experience, I'm not that old, I've not been through those kinds of trials and situations.
BUT I do have my own experiences to learn from, I've got the situations I'm currently in and those I've been in before.
The big question is....am I going to learn from them? What will I do with them as they come and go? Will I learn from mistakes/failures and successes? Will I repeat the good and drop the bad?
Maybe that's what I should focus on, instead of comparing myself to someone I'm not.

Eat at the Ruby and get gas

2007-01-15T12:56:00.000-06:00

I have recently borrowed the first seasons of the great Canadian anomoly of television comedy known as Corner Gas. Now I've seen the show before, a number of episodes, but haven't been able to appreciate the show in all it's fullness. I've been making my way through season one, and it's unbelievably hilarious.
There is definitely something about Saskatchewanians (ites) that provides them with a sarcasm that's second to, well me.
I don't usually laugh out loud at things when I'm watching them by myself, I don't know why, but that's how I work. It takes a special kind of funny to make me laugh out loud while alone, and alas I've found myself laughing til my little heart's content a few times. I might just be ashamed to admit it, but I've even giggled like a little school girl (not sure I've ever completely understood that phrase).
It's funny how the Saskatchewan pride comes through in such a show. There's a certain small town thing that happens in this province, and even though my town isn't near as small as Dog River, I can identify with much of what happens in Corner Gas, it's hilarious.
I'm actually beginning to appreciate living in Saskatchewan, I may not stay here forever, but it's not as embarrassing as I once thought it was. The Sask. pride is seeping into my being.

Ringing in the New Year

2007-01-02T16:07:00.000-06:00

It is now January 2nd. I am currently still working on recovering from our all night event with the youth the other night. I haven't done one of those for quite some time now, so it takes it's toll on you sometimes. But all in all it was a good night. I enjoyed myself, which of course is the least of my concerns, but it seemed like the kids enjoyed themselves aside from a few "I'm bored" comments here and there, not for a lack of trying.
It's always fun to just kick back and talk with teens, no agenda, just let conversation flow, share truth with them, and hopefully they'll gain something from it. This is something that I need to continually work on, cause I'm not the greatest at it. It's so easy to just talk about useless things, and not be deliberate about speaking truth. Not that I don't ever do it, but it's not the way it should be by any means. Of course, this comes easier with a more definite and determined relationship with God, which always requires work, and I've not really worked as hard as I could, if really anywhere near where I should.
As God continues to bring me through things that I couldn't make it through otherwise, I'm realizing how much more intentional I need to be in every aspect of life.
Here's some brutal honesty about me, but it's hard to hold yourself accountable, which is why we need other people. God never asked/told us to do it alone, to do life alone. Even though I don't have the life partner I am still hoping for, that doesn't mean I'm supposed to just sit back and isolate myself. Unfortunately I've done so on so many occasions and I'm seeing it happening again. I'm not entirely sure how to make that different. I know I can spend more time with people, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still isolating myself.
It's like I don't let people in where I need them most and I'm recognizing now that I've been trying on my own, without other people to help me and without God in the driver's seat.
So, here's the question of the day, the one that's on my mind the most at the moment...How/why does it keep happening that way? Why do I let that happen? Why do we as people let it happen? I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who's been here, and if I am then I'm somehow missed out on something.
Do I hear from God? Yeah, I still do, just not as I should, or as much as I should because I'm not listening. I'm not giving him every opportunity to guide me, just some.
This is not the most encouraging post I recognize, it's just what's on my head today.

Not much to say...

2006-12-21T09:04:00.000-06:00

Well, I figured since it's been a couple weeks since I've posted anything good, I should attempt another one just for the sake of it. Also due to pressure and slander from a friend, or should I say the rowdy little sister of my friend Mike Schalin (who by the way is planning some risque endevors on her upcoming trip to some tropical place, take careful not Mike), I'm going to write something.
It's just after 9am on Thursday morning, I am currently in the office, but normally I'm still in bed at this time on Thursdays because of the late night with youth on Wednesdays. So I'm taking slight advantage of a little extra time regardless of my status at work.
Maybe it's the cheerios in my underpants, or maybe it's the short stubbly beard I'm attempting to grow, but I can't help but feel frustrated by some things going on in my world as of late. Mainly to do with myself and my ministry here in the Nizzle Bizzlefizzle. I don't know if it's cause I'm new, if somehow I've given the wrong impression to the students, or if I'm just way off base with everything, but there seems to be little to no interest and virtually no respect/discipline.
I am a firm believer that you need to earn respect before you get it, or at the very least give respect before you get it. As a result of that belief, I ascribe to it. I try to give respect, I try to give second and third and 20th chances as much as possible, but for the 4th or 5th consecutive week, our Wednesday nights have been almost unmanageable because of the lack of interest and apparent complete disrespect.
I know it's being recognized as a bit of a trend in today's youth, that there's little respect and much less control than there used to be. Besides all of that I can't help but ask the question "what am I doing wrong?" or maybe more applicable "what am I not doing right?"
If I'm supposed to lead kids to Christ, I need to be there myself. So then I have to ask myself another much more taxing question...am I there? Does my relationship with Christ show to myself let alone others around me? Am I completely surrendering to God?
As I sit here in this office, whiche is a tad warm this morning, I can't help but look at myself (metaphorically of course) and say a resounding "NO" to answer those questions. I think this blog is actually becoming a part of my morning devotional for today because, well I need to examine my heart and confess sin if it's coming up.
I'm preaching on Philippians 2:1-11 in just over a week, December 31st to be precise. My theme and quite possibly even the title of that sermon (now that I'm thinking about it) is going to be looking at an "Attitude Adjustment". In verse 5 of said passage Paul states that "your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus..." He then continues on to describe in short but slightly poetic detail just exactly what that attitude is.
As I think even more and reflect and perhaps even receive some conviction from the Spirit, I need a tremendous attitude adjustment. I am so focused on myself that it hurts to say it. I can try to chalk it up to any number of excuses: I'm single, I'm a youth pastor it's supposed to be about me, I'm human, I'm sinful, I'm , I'm , I'm..... That's just the problem, there's something that all of those statements have in common..."I'm...insert tired and old remark here". Even when things become clearer they're jaded.
Yes, we need to examine ourselves, it's Scriptural. Yes we need to repent of sin revealed to us by the Spirit. Yes it's so incredibly important to utter the words that few people like to say and even fewer seem to mean when they say it "I'm sorry." BUT, if all I ever do is think about myself, whether good or bad things (see "sober judgement" passage in Romans 12:3), something's missing....what? Jesus!
If I am so focused on myself all the time, Jesus is left out. Then my schedule becomes an attempt at just that, it being "MY" schedule. My free time becomes something that I'm trying to actually take ownership of. My attitude, my pain, my hurt, my joy, my happiness, my...whatever becomes something that I forget someone else shares in... Jesus' role in our lives, in my life is forgotten for the sake of independance (which we all know is completely undesirable, though many would try to convince us otherwise) and the result is loneliness.
Alas, we forget still, even in that loneliness the Spirit of God is never far off. In fact He is within us, we've just suppressed and ignored Him and so forgotten His place in our lives.
The beauty of God mysteriously intertwined within us to dwell and to shape us, but part of that mystery is that the work is only done when we finally allow it to happen.
Oh how I want to allow God's Spirit to overwhelm me today. How I long for my attitude to be characterized as being like Jesus, for my life to no longer be mine, but to be continually broken for those around me that God may be glorified in this body and in theirs.

Well there you have it, another journaling thought.

Ok, this is funny.

2006-12-12T16:55:00.000-06:00

I'm cheating on this post, I'm just putting a link to a really freakin' hilarious video on youtube.
I don't want to take the chance of wrecking my blog like Mike did when he tried to actually post the video. The link will work just as well.
I'm sure lots of people have seen it, it's a clip from a Family Guy episode. You'll know when you see it, why I laughed so hard.
Here it is. Don't laugh too hard.

How did I get here?

2006-11-30T22:03:00.000-06:00

There are moments where I find myself wondering, how did I get here? This is not a question of the origin of species, whether or not I was created or I came from a monkey or even a single cell organism, obviously God created me.
Nor is it a question of how did I end up in North Battleford? Or maybe how did I end up in Calgary? Or how did I end up going to CBC? No, this is a question of "what has led me to this moment, why do I feel the way I do? What has caused my specific emotions of this moment? What has made me happy? Sad? Contemplative?
So I am finding myself wondering the answer to this question at this moment. You know, it's so incredibly hard to imagine that God uses my screw ups, my huge mistakes and my little mistakes, to somehow bring glory to himself. I am so incredibly thankful for that, because that says that my life is not a waste, which it otherwise likely would be were it not for grace.
My good friend Mike, whose blog you can be linked to on the right side of this page, recently wrote about how he's been reading some of Yancey's stuff. I've not read any for myself, but he quotes from "The Jesus I Never Knew". Talking about dependance, sorrow, repentance and a longing to change as the way to Christ. Those are so not atractive qualities to the majority of people.
Who wants to be with someone who is dependant, seems weak, admits wrongs, wants to be broken hearted? But how can I not be like that, or want to be like that? Those are the results of the grace of God. I can be dependant on him because of his grace, I can be healed of sorrow, because of his grace, I can experience godly repentance beacuse of his grace, and receive forgiveness because of his grace.
Grace...grace is how I got here...Grace is the answer to all those aforementioned questions. How did I get here? Grace. How did I get to experience happiness? Grace. How did I become sad? Oddly enough, grace...Any emotion, is given to me by grace. It's how I deal with stuff. The Psalms is the perfect example. Tremper Longman III is a super intellectual, he taught my Psalms class, which was a great class by the way. He pointed out at one point that every human emotion can be found in the Psalms...
That sets a precedent for it to be ok to experience those emotions, those are God given things. Jesus experienced them, he wept, he laughed, he got angry, he loved. God gave/gives us our emotions to help us through things, to help us cope. Tears are an outlet, laughter an outlet, words an outlet, music an outlet...All given to us by God.
So how did I get here? Only by the grace of God that I may be broken hearted for those around me, that I may be filled with grief because of my sin, that may experience joy because of God's goodness.
God's grace is how I got here...he didn't cause me to sin, or make me do anything, but he has allowed me the grace to rebound, to live.
Thank God for grace.

All the answers

2006-11-27T16:49:00.000-06:00

So I sit here thinking...Wow, I haven't blogged for a while... then I think...What will I write about this time, cause I don't have anything really on my brain.
Then I think about this seminar I've been taking today, and tomorrow. It's a suicide intervention seminar that scares the poop out of me. It's really not a pretty sight actually, poo all over the place, I'm not looking forward to cleaning that up.
But when I think about it, yeah I want to be able to help people in such situations. I want to know the things to say, the steps that need to be taken and the methods to use to prevent a person from taking their own life. But it's terrifying. What if I screw it up? What if I don't read the signs well enough? What if I'm the one responsible for their actions?
Of course you can't blame yourself if you do everything you can, but what if I don't?
It kinda makes me want to just go and work in a feed mill or a warehouse where all I have to worry about is unloading a trailer and loading another one up with boxes. There's much less stress to such a job, at least for me, and I like to do that kinda stuff.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm feeling the weight of my career choice and my calling. It's a pretty large responsibility, and it's intimidating, especially when I still feel like I'm trying to learn how to navigate the world of pastoral ministry.
It's tough when there's nobody who sleeps beside me to share such stuff with. Obviously I would never want to burden a wife with my issues, but I'm really kinda wanting that these days, although at the same time not as well.
So as my incoherent ramblings continue you see how I wish I had all the answers, knew what was coming ahead for me, and who would be a part of my life in the future. It's tough to just hand it over to God and relax...obviously I need some help with that.

Boy Band - Take That - So Funny

2006-11-15T17:19:00.001-06:00


Funny video mocking boy bands. So funny because it could actually be a legitimate music video for a tpyical boy band

Who do I love?

2006-11-13T20:57:00.000-06:00

A challenge has been issued to me this evening. I believe this challenge is from God and I'm not sure what the result will look like, nor do I know precisely what needs to be done quite yet but one thing is clear, I am now and need to continually be forced to face the truth of God with expectation and fear.
I've entitled this entry "Who do I love?" because I feel it's the question that is stirring within me and the answer that is coming up is neither pleasing to God nor me.
We've been having some teaching sessions from a revival preacher from South Africa named Dr. Francois Carr at our church this week. He came to town last night and spoke then, spoke again tonight and will do so again until Wednesday night. I will get to spend some time with him in a car for a little while on Thursday morning as I'll be driving him to his next stop. However, he addressed sin tonight, not so much the sin aspect as the standard God has for us. My discomfort, my lack of peace and understanding comes from a proud heart, unwilling to confess and ask forgiveness on a consistent basis.
As I read some Scripture after the session tonight, as I've been convicted strongly was the course of action needed for this evening, opening the pages to John I read a few chapters. I think John was a postmodern in his own rights. He was different than the others (Matthew, Mark and Luke) in his style and his approach to the message of the Gospel (ok enough heresy for now). I was led to John 14 and read through and one particular verse stayed in my mind as it relates to the topic of the talk tonight.

John 14:21 - "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

Now before I reason out why that verse stuck, or sticks...allow me to expand on the teaching from earlier. Dr. Carr spoke of pleasing God, essentially what the verse above is saying, though he used other proof texts. He used an example of someone speaking somewhere after which a person came to the preacher and said they disagreed with what he had said. This was a woman who was upset because she felt he had lied. Taking a verse from Scripture, in 1John 3, "we have confidence before God and receive anything we ask". She felt this a lie because she had not received what she asked for. Though a noble desire, she was praying for her husband's heart to change, she had not seen it. The preacher asked her to read the rest of the verse, she did, "because we obey his commands and do what please him." Only after it being pointed out to her did she realize that nothing in her lifestyle coincided with this verse. At which moment God began to stir within me as if to say "This is why things are so difficult right now".

Then I read John 14 and the verse I quoted earlier resonated within my heart. "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me." Who do I love? Well I'm not sure it Jesus lately. I have the commands, but the obedience part has not been so evident. I say I love God, I say I would do anything for him, but my consistent refusal (whether conscious or not) to obey his commands consistent takes me another notch further from God. Because even as this verse continues "He who loves me will be loved by my Father". If I don't love Christ, how can I expect love from God? Now I know I have to be careful here because God's love is abundant and for all, he loves those who don't love him back. But similar to the woman spoken of previously, how can I expect God to step in and step up to aid me in life (however needed or wanted) if I show no commitment to him and no obedience to his constant voice in my ear? Or how can I hear him if I'm not listening?
Whoever obeys my commands is the one who loves me, and he who loves me is loved by my Father...wow, that's a significant statement. And then the end of the verse, "and I too will love him and show myself to him."
It's like a chain reaction. We experience the abundance of God's love and Jesus reveals himself to us (though God first loved us, I recognize that), only after we hear and obey his commands to show we love him.
Who do I love? Me! At least that's the way I've been living. Who do I want to love? God. Or rather, who do I want to please...God.
Confession, repentance and forgiveness are a package deal.
May God forgive me for a lifestyle not completely devoted to him, for looking to myself instead of him, for forgetting that he's within me and beside me always and may I walk in freedom and step by step be attuned to the Spirit of God.

Flow creative juices, flow!!!

2006-11-10T09:22:00.000-06:00

Ok, I am currently trying to get my mind around my sermon for this weekend. This is my first time preaching "in the big house" as we in the Youth Ministry profession call a Sunday morning church service. I've yakked at youth countless times (ok, I'm sure I could probably mathematically guess how many times actually, but it's a lot either way), but never actually done the real deal on Sunday morning. The closest I came was a couple years ago at a Bible Quizzing tournament, I spoke at their Sunday morning service at a camp...still not quite the same.
But as I sit here, you may be thinking "why are you wasting time blogging if you still need to work on your sermon?" This is a very intriguing and legitimate question so let me expound on my answer.
I sometimes experience a lack of creativity whilst I write, obviously not all THAT much because I"m a creative genious, I know, but sometimes it does still happen regardless of my almost unmeasurable intellect.
One thing that helps get those creative juices flowing is to just start writing. I'm not much of a writer, in fact if I were to take an English class again I would likely either fail because I couldn't stay awake or because my language skills leave something to be desired. I could really care less about conjugating a verb, or spelling conjugating right. I have no idea what people are talking about when they ask me to point out the adverb in a sentence.
I'm a talker. I wouldn't say preacher, or public speaker, I'm a talker. I like to talk (though some people may wonder when that is), when I get up in front of people, I'll ramble on about the newest nose hair trimmer and keep talking as if people are interested.
Anyway, back to my answer, writing something gets my mind working the way I want it to. So here I write, and as you've likely discovered so far, this post has no significance whatsoever and really isn't interesting well let me add something interesting, or at least slightly entertaining.

The other day I had the pleasure and privilege to spend a few hours with some visionaries within our denomination, a few senior pastors from around this area. Of course I've not much in common with such men: I'm young, they're less young. I'm new, they're seasoned veterans. I'm a youth pastor, they're all real pastors. I have red hair, they're all missing theirs. Ok, enough with the harsh realities as none of them will likely read this (unless that underhanded brother of mine passes it along to his sr. pastor). We actually did have a thing or two to talk about so that was good but not the purpose of my being there. There's a place not far from town here that is known as Blue Mountain (of course this is prairie land so it's obviously not a real mountain) and this place is an outdoor adventure centre. There are many things that one or 100 people can do to fill a day or more at this place. One of those activities is to defy death on the longest zipline in North America, if not the world.
Now if you don't know what a zipline is, let me explain. This is a cable that crosses over a valley and the rider is harnessed up and sent across the valley on said cable. Your top speed may not be all that fast but when you are dangling 10 stories above the ground and are moving, it feels pretty fast.
Now I am terrified of heights. I have been for a long time. So throwing myself off a tower that is on the edge of a large hill, giving my life to the integrity of a couple ropes, pullies and cables to get me across the valley is not comforting to me. But as with every other time I've done a zipline, the thrill once you've jumped off is really more than worth the terrifying preparation.
So, like the huggies pull-ups commercials, I am able to declare at the top of my lungs "I'm a big kid now!" because I overcame that pesky phobia of heights and actually took a risk for once (well twice actually).
I shall now attempt to return to writing my sermon in hopes that my ramblings here have aided in my mind getting rolling enough to get this thing done today (I don't have much choice I need to).

Missin' the old...

2006-11-03T18:28:00.000-06:00

Last weekend I took a trip back out to Calgary. It was generally a pretty good weekend. I got to see a bunch of people that I haven't since I moved, and it was good being back in the city. I did discover that I don't really miss the city all that much, but I do miss being there.
After being gone for a few months I definitely noticed the "youth" of the people there. There were people my age, within my age bracket at least, I definitely miss that. And checking out friend's websites and stuff, seeing pictures of friends hanging out...makes me miss that.
Sometimes I feel like I've been forced to "grow up" long before I ever wanted to. It's like I had to become responsible without getting the chance to be "free" for a while.
This is likely going to sound like I'm just complaining and I kinda am, so I don't mind.
I just miss having people around all the time. Just expecting that we'll be hanging out on the weekend, cause that's just what happened.
It's slightly different now. I'm either working or at home, there's not really much else going and I think it's starting to get to me a bit. Perhaps it's just a phase, perhaps it's just cause I was back around friends last weekend.
It's better to write stuff down instead of just keeping it in sometimes. Being a young fresh out of college single pastor is tougher than I expected.

The heart of God

2006-10-23T20:31:00.000-06:00

I have been lead by the Spirit to be thinking about those in other countries, those (for lack of a better term) less fortunate than myself. I don't believe that I'm just supposed to "think" about these things, I fully believe that I need to do something about it, but I feel so useless. My heart aches to step up to the challenge and serve these people and I'm sure I'd gain far more from them than I could ever give. But I feel debilitated, like I don't have "enough" to help anyone out. I feel somehow insecure about my own status.
And here's where I rip apart my own thoughts and say "just do it" (much unlike Nike), I need to actually show that I care, cause if I don't do something about it then it's clear that I don't care.
My heart aches, so I should "follow my heart", and more importantly follow the heart of God himself to do everything within my own power (and maybe even some things outside of my power) to see that I'm giving myself, money, time, energy, essentially whatever it is that I have to do so.
Here's my struggle...as I'm sure many people in North America and the rest of the Western world have experienced before...I'm selfish! I confess that. Not only that, but I'm ashamed of it. I hate the fact that I consistently choose to put myself before other people, in the small things as well as the bigger things. Sure I'm getting better at tithing (a long time struggle for me), but if that's what I do and I have more left over does that entitle me to the rest? Well where did the money come from in the first place? I sure didn't come from me! It definitely didn't come from my 'hard work'. It came from God. And being a pastor, if I try to claim it for myself, there's something not quite right. Every so often God sits me back and reminds me that absolutely everything I have comes from Him, I would literally have nothing were it not for God.
So why is it that I am still so greedy? Cause I like stuff. I like comfort. But how can I sit in comfort when even a close friend of mine wonders if he'll have enough money to make it this month? Maybe it's a lesson for me to learn (I know it is) and maybe that's a lesson for him to learn to, I can't say, I don't teach the lessons I just receive them.
This is what's on my mind tonight, I sit here in frustration of sorts, restless/feeling helpless as to what I need to do. I can make excuses far better than I can come up with solutions. I want to be a part of the solution instead of the problem, cause it's a big problem.
Bono is using his money and fame to pull strings and do everything he can to help out people in Africa, I respect that greatly. I want to do all that I can (though not nearly as much sway as Bono) to aid in all "causes" of the world. If I'm a representative of Christ, how do I ignore it? I can't!

Here's a Journal entry

2006-10-17T22:29:00.000-06:00

Why does it seem to be one of the basest human instincts to tuck tail and run? Or at least to want to do that? Passivity is an enemy to the human soul. There's such an exhilerating rush when you go against every fibre of your being and step up to the beast in front of you. Whether that 'beast' is a short little pipsqueek who's mouth is larger than her body can handle, or the drunken football fans who can't seem to shut up. There's something satisfying about telling someone off, or standing up for another person or just facing those "demons" that can seem to haunt you for years.
Of course courage is a one way street. You can't make dumb choices and call it courage, that's stupidity. Courage comes with justice. Integrity is a result of courage. When you're honest, reliable and wise with your words and actions, integrity show itself pure. The very essence of integrity is to face the difficulty and remain true to God as you do.
Recently I've reverted back to looking through Uprising with some co-workers and the idea of integrity is integral to this book. The person who lives with integrity shares the heart of God. I can't think of anything that I want more than to share my deepest longings with the creator of the universe. To have his desires as mine and mine his. Not for him to conform to me by any means, of course, but to have my soul be so in line with Him that the only things that I desire are the very things that God wants for me. To be close to him, to follow his lead and to share Him with those around me. God's heart is noble, mine ignoble. God's desire is for relationship, mine leans to a certain "solitary confinement" of sorts. God's love is unending, mine merely a line on a page. I start and stop somewhere, He remains always.
Do I want to be God? Absolutely not! There is no chance that I could even imagine such a thing. Do I want God's character to be infused into me? I sure do. For what purpose? To bring glory to him in any way possible.
I really can't think of anything more desirable. I know I've placed others in that position before and they pale in comparison to the reality of Christ.
Oh the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God, how unsearchable his judgments, his paths beyond tracing out.
The poetry of Scripture brightens my soul.

2006-10-08T20:27:00.000-06:00

As I sit in my living room watching television with my siblings (and sibling in-law), and watch my neice make strange movements and noises, I reflect on the dinner I just ate. How sweet it is.
That enticing smell that fills the house and the enjoyment experienced is like no other.
Really, I'm just happy to have people in my house for a few days. It's like someone else actually lives here, I like that feeling.
However it was rather fun trying to cook a turkey dinner in spite of the many things that I am lacking in my home. Most of which were small things that I normally have no use for that other people see as "everyday items". Items like a rolling pin, strainer, big fork, pepper, you know that kinda stuff. It's all about improvisation, that's what I always say. Nevertheless, we figured it all out and were able to enjoy and decent family turkey dinner, even in spite of my fridge deciding to stop doing its job of keeping things cold. Hopefully that'll get taken care of soon, I spoke with my landlord at church this morning about it, so we'll see.
But of course, now the sleepy drug that I swear is injected into turkey meat from an external source, is taking its toll on my overly stuffed body and I long to sleep, even though it is definitely the wrong time of day for it.
I will now go back to enjoying my family being here, because it will all be over tomorrow and I will go back to being "alone" with visitors dropping by but not actually living here. As full as the house seems, I would most certainly rather it be full than empty like normal.
Maybe it's time to get hitched? Nah, not likely, though I might not turn down such an offer, especially if it came from Mike Schalin. Who wouldn't want to marry that man? Cara, you lucky girl! If I wasn't a man.....

Mediocrity is a comfortable prison

2006-10-01T20:18:00.000-06:00

I feel imprisoned right now. That's the honest truth. Imprisoned by the ease of mediocrity.
There is so much potential that God has placed within me and I know He longs to make me fly in that potential and reach pretty huge heights. What that might look like is another story that I don't know the middle or the end to, but I have a feeling I know the beginning.
Perhaps God's stirring something within me to break free from said prison and bust away from any sort of mediocre lifestyle that just doesn't fulfil.
Jesus promises abundant life. Am I there? I'm not so sure that I am entirely. Do I see glimpses of it? Absolutely. Do I long for more? Yup, sure do. Am I saved by the blood of the Lamb? You bet I am and I'm so thankful for it.
There's something more though. There's a satisfaction in life that Jesus provides that I don't always experience. Contentment is what most people seem to call it, and I'm just not there.
I wrestle with thoughts that I've had many times in years past of, as Paul describes, "being content in any and every situation." If you've read any of my blogs you've noticed that I'm not married and I don't like that. That's not contentment! Does contentment mean that I settle for my current situation? Not in the least! It means I recognize my current situation as being where God has placed me and I find joy in Him, not in searching for what I don't have!
But there are aspects of life that I believe God wants us to be unsettled about. He wants us to feel unsettled over unsaved people, poverty, affluence, mediocrity, stagnance, etc. I shouldn't just settle for a life of second best, a life that doesn't change, a heart that isn't constantly broken for the people around me. I shouldn't settle for just getting things done, they should be done well. I shouldn't settle for last minute efforts to be prepared for wednesday night youth ministry, I should be well ahead and well prepared so that I don't disappoint the people who need to hear the truth.
I shouldn't settle for ideas that come to mind about how to strive for purity, how to help those around me, how to share Jesus with other people, only to write them down on a piece of paper and file them away along with the rest. Non-action plans just don't cut it. And if all of these things are being settled for in my life, then I'm too comfortable.
There's too much that isn't happening that could be and should be. An action plan doesn't go anywhere without the "action."
For far too long I've settled for the ease of mediocrity all the while not realizing that it's really a prison that people get trapped in. As a prisoner wants to be out of his jail cell so I should long to be as far away from a mediocre life as possible. But not only long for it, work towards it.
Can I do such a thing on my own? I think many lives, including my own, would testify that it's not something I can do myself. I need others to push me forward, I need God to pull me up out of the quick sand. Do I know the "action" steps that need to be taken? I'm not sure that I do right now and that is certainly unsettling, but do I need to take action? Yes, I do.
Will I? I most certainly intend to, but succeeding in such a track will only come from God.
Will it just happen if I don't do anything? Not likely.
I think it's time to be unsettled. I'm feeling it right now, it's only begun to stir recently, a hungry heart growls like an empty stomach. There's a longing for more, my heart is saying "more food, less garbage." A broken heart, that's what I want. Not in the normal way, that's been done before, a new kind of broken heart. One the spurs on toward love and good deeds. A heart that longs to see people come to Jesus, that would do anything to see that. A heart that doesn't settle for just existing, for just getting things done, but one that strives to excel in everything and to experience the abundant life Christ offers.
That's what's on my heart today.

It's funny how things fall apart over time.

2006-09-25T18:42:00.000-06:00

The title is not meant to be for the sake of humour that things fall apart, rather just to trigger some thought. I'm sitting in my bed not feeling top notch at the moment with some strange undiagnosed pains in my lower back. So as I face the inevitability of getting older and my body needing extra attention in some facets, I am reminded of the truth that eminates from the reality of decay. No I don't think I'm old or that my body is somehow falling apart, but the fact of the matter is, you don't get younger, you get older.
The unfortunate result of a fallen world is that decay happens, there's really no way around it in the physical world. But parallels can be drawn from this to the spiritual decay that occurs when one's heart isn't right with God.
The fool returns to his folly, but the fool also fails to learn from other's mistakes as well. There's decay that happens within the heart if those things are allowed to happen. God makes it pretty clear that if we just pay attention to what He says then the road to freedom is found. Christ didn't die so that his followers would be stuck in their own destruction, he died and rose again to free us from our own patterns of desctruction.
I need to be reminded of this all the time because too often I've been the fool, choosing not to obey God's commands and in a sense accepting the reprocusions of my own destructive actions. Pride is a deeply rooted issue that affects far more of us than any of us would like to admit.
The book I've been reading is called "It Came From Within" by Andy Stanley. In it he discusses the four main enemies of a healthy heart in the life of a believer. Guilt, anger, greed and jealousy are those enemies. As I read, I am faced with the frightening reality that those are very real oppositions of my own heart and I've allowed them to take root and at times to be strong holds preventing me from experiencing Christ as He longs for me to.
As a pastor, it feels like there's some unsaid pressure on me to portray a put-together life without any kind of struggles or difficulties and I just can't live that way. I can't pretend like I don't sin, like I don't have things that need to be worked on and ultimately removed from my life. Pride is one of those things, at times guilt has had it's way with me, anger and jealousy reach to the surface on occasion as well. Those are all indications that when I become of aware of those issues I need to confess them and release them to the healer who will ultimately heal my heart and guard me from those things. But, if left unchecked those things can be allowed to take deeper root and will cause that decay that our earthly bodies are destined for.
I don't want that to happen over and over again, I want to be freed from the pride that holds me, from the guilt and anger that I've experienced and the jealousy that has no place.
Maybe some of those things aren't as prevelant in my heart as they are in others, but even if there's a trace of them, I want nothing to do with them.
The bottom line is, I'm broken, I need to be fixed, and I don't want to even try to put across some fake persona that say "I'm fine". Just some thoughts for this evening.

A test of wills sometimes I suppose.

2006-09-18T17:30:00.000-06:00

It's weird for me to say, but I haven't really been doing a whole lot of thinking these days. Unfortunately I seem to be just turn off when I don't have to be alert. I'm not really a big fan of that to be honest. I don't really take pride in the fact that my mind usually rolls around with different ideas but I like it when that happens.
Usually what ends up going through my mind is how there's so much work to do and I don't have any idea how it's ever going to get done. When I set a schedule somehow those things get pushed back until the absolute last minute and I hate that. It worked for when I was in school but it's not really a good thing at this stage of the game.
And then I think of different jobs that have come available since I've taken the job that I have. Not that I don't like where I am by any means, but I hear of other jobs that I would love to do but I've already got a job. Like I said, I love my job, I feel overwhelmed that's for sure, but I like my job. Then the next issue that comes to mind is....will I screw it up? I'm kinda scared that that could easily happen. I've definitely done it before, so who's to say that it won't or can't happen again?
So I guess I have been thinking, just not about the things that I may actually want to think about.
Then there's the thought of people. How are my relationships changing? What's going to happen with those that I call my friends? Do I feel burned by some? Do they feel burned by me? It's like my mind has slipped into some semi-comatose state that I can't really control what I'm thinking, and it's not in the least bit positive.
I realize this isn't the most enlightening entry, but it's the truth from my mind.

Jumpin' on the bandwagon

2006-09-10T21:31:00.000-06:00

I've always been kind of a skeptic of guys like Rick Warren and Bill Hybels and most other mega church pastors as those, especially when they've written books and make tonnes of money from such things. I went to a small groups conference this weekend and it was from the small group's pastor at Saddleback church, Rick Warren's stomping grounds and I was able to see a different side. In fact the two conferences that I've participated in in this last month or so have given me a little perspective on the whole idea of it.
When you see the heart behind the empire it gives you a better picture of why things are as they are.
Anyway, that's beside the point, sort of. I think God used this small groups conference to hit more than just the need for community into my heart. The reality of why big churches (for the most part) become so big and why those particular models of ministry work is because they're based on truth. I thought about how I've always tried to "do my own thing" when it comes to a ministry model, or at least that's how I'd want to do things and that because I don't want to have a "canned" ministry that comes from somewhere else. But then a thought entered my mind about how even if I were to try to do it my way, it would still be based on the same things, the same truth, the same scriptures, etc. Why not attend those kinds of conferences to refresh your soul and your passion for ministry? To see how the truth will change the lives of people, because that's really all those guys are trying to do.
What does God ask of us in life? Surrender. Does ministry stop at the office or church on sunday? No, it's how you live life. I was really convicted by the Spirit about my lifestyle since I moved, I haven't even made an attempt to meet any of my neighbours...there's so much potential for good things to happen if I just take a few risks.
I'm not really a risk taker in general, I never really have been, but I've noticed that when I do take risks, even if they don't work out, things are better off. Today, I introduced myself to a kid I'd never seen before, with his family right there, I don't usually do that kind of stuff, not easily anyway. It was great. I talked to a few others that I hadn't talked to before, it's a blast, you don't know people's response, but you take the risk anyway.
I would rather live a life taking risks and failing a couple times but in the long run succeeding, than trying to play it safe and being useless to God.
All I want to do is see Christ's kingdom grow, people's lives change, and the community be transformed. If I'm going to be a part of God's work here, I gotta work on how I live.
It starts with choice, and then you can work at it from there.

For everything there is a season.

2006-09-06T23:24:00.000-06:00

Life is a continuous flow of new and old intertwined. There's always new friendships/relationships coming to fruition and old making their way out. New jobs and old existing within our minds, new beginnings and old experiences mingling with each other in the recesses of the mind.
Look at me trying to be all abstract and wordy, I know it doesn't work. But seriously, I look at my limited experience and I can immediately recognize different phases in my life and the different people who have played important roles to me and how some remain and some drift.
I don't see that so much as a bad thing as a part of the human experience. Is it always easy? Is it the way God intended? I'm not sure I can answer that one with any sort of authority. But is it the way things life goes? Of this I am confident.
Think about it, if I were to think of all the close relationships that I've had with other people, of course I am talking both male and female, some have lasted through til the present and some have not. Maybe it is a separation that is a result of the fall, maybe it's not, I'm not going to try and figure that one out right now. But I do see it as something that can be seen in a less than negative light. Do I mourn some relationships? For a time maybe, but in the end I can look back and see the significance of them for the time they existed in such a way and see the significance of newer relationships forming and other long term ones continuing to deepen.
Maybe it's a mistake on my part but I am perfectly content with certain friendships morphing from a close knit experience to an acquiantance to someone I can fondly remember in later years.
Maybe I'm heartless or am missing something here, and that's ok, such things will be revealed in time if need be. I don't hurt when I think of changed relationships. I can recognize that lives change and go different paths at times and experiences are no longer shared together but told to each other after time. That's not a bad thing either, to learn from the stories of God working in the lives of others.
Ultimately God brings redemption to all things whether we live to see it or we see it in perfection later on. There's a reason for celebration in such truth.
Having been in Bible college for 5 years I've met and conversed and deeply connected with a number of people that I don't expect to continue the same level of connection 5 years from now. This is not because I'm lazy (although I accuse myself of such slothfulness at times), but because God has specific ideas and plans in mind for each of us and it will take us all over the world. That I celebrate as well. Having the priviledge of saying I was friends with the missionary who God used to reach multiple muslim communities (although I don't know anyone specifically right now, I think you get the idea), or who lead a church of 20 people to being God centered and experienced tremendous growth to being the biggest church in Canada. There's such diversity in the lives of people I have had the priviledge of knowing and I am thankful that God has placed each of those people in my life in the capacity that He has for the time that He has (and will for that matter) and I will continue to follow God and seek to serve Him in the avenue in which He has placed me for the time being.
Great things can happen if only we would trust God for them to happen. (I will eat my words, I know it full well).

Responsibility?....What's that?

2006-09-04T22:17:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the shift from living life as a student and actually living within your chosen career path. It's really quite interesting to be in that place where you are at a whole new level of learning life skills. For years long before I was ever even in college I had my own little ideas of what life would be like when I was finished with school and out on my own. Somehow my version of reality and the real thing have turned out to be two different things. I'm really quite certain that many people find themselves in such a place in life where they look back and say to themselves "I never thought life would turn out this way." I know that those words have certainly rolled through my mind on occasion.
It's funny (I use the word loosely) how God's ideas for our lives can vary so very much from our own. Or is it the other way around? I think it very much is. Our ideas are often very different than what God's got in mind. Is it to make us suffer? Angry? Faithless? Nope, nope, and nope.
If you really think about it, the bottom line is, life as it has turned out is the way that it is, and things will change, things will shift, be harder or easier but in the end, that's the way it is.
The downside of original sin is that things are no longer perfect and as a result the world has become the way it is and the things that are ungodly run rampant and our lives are affected negatively because of it. It's not a game of chance, nor is it a cruel twist on creation that God decided to place on us just for kicks.
So because my life hasn't worked out the way I thought/think it should, am I somehow right in being angry? The fact of the matter is that I always look around and see the things I don't like instead of the things that I do. How can I enjoy life as a whole if I am focused on the things that I "wish were different?" There's so many great things to be enjoyed in life, why waste the good stuff by focusing on the bad?
These thoughts are just reminding me that I need to keep seeing the great things God has placed in my life and be so excited about where He's placed me and where He's taking me instead of what "I want."

Ballad of San Francisco (or North Battleford?)

2006-09-02T17:27:00.000-06:00

As with many people with whom I am well acquainted, music plays a large part in my life. Not so much playing it myself as of late anyway (hopefully that will change again soon), but singing and listening to music. One of my favourite bands is Caedmon's Call, they have been for quite some time. One of their former members has gone solo, you may or may not have heard of him, Derek Webb. He wrote a lot of songs while playing with Caedmon's and on their "Long Line of Leavers" album there is a song called "Ballad of San Francisco." I was just listening to it and I thought it was a good one to place the lyrics on my blog for today. Derek Webb is quite a decent writer and when you delve deeper into his music you discover that he's not really content with "the way things are" and sees "the way they could/should be" and I find myself very much resonating with that idea. So here's the lyrics of that song, although not quite the kind of song as I just described, it's still a good song.

So I'm walking down the street somewhere outside of San Francisco
But, I don't really know my way around
And I'd love to stay a day or two and get into some trouble
But tomorrow I'll be in another town

There's at least one coffee bar for every single couple
And there's at least a couple in this place
Strange the things you notice when the walls are closing in
And the walls are closing in on me today

So where, oh where, can I find someone, anyone
'Cause there's no way outta here
Well, here is where I live and so I guess that means
The carrot's gonna dangle for at least another year

I love anonymity and I love being noticed
Just the same as anybody else
Years ago I told you how I loved to be alone
These days I'd be perjuring myself

It's like you gave me up like I gave up drinking coffee
So I guess I would have done the same
Now I know I'm lost somewhere outside of San Francisco But I'm still glad that I came

The nights grow long

2006-08-31T22:12:00.000-06:00

Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

I recently started reading a book by a guy named Andy Stanley called "It Came From Within."
He's a pastor in Atlanta, started a church in like 1995 with just himself, his family and a few others and now the church has like 10,000 people or something in regular attendance. Depends on who you are whether that means anything or not, it doesn't make me look at the guy any differently than I would a piece of toast, but what he has to say is beneficial.
He looks at matters of the heart, or rather, the words of our mouths and the actions of our lives and the direct correlation they have with what's stirring around inside. Jesus said a few times that what we say and do reflects what is really happening deep within.
When things are hidden and not released, when past pains continue to fester, when habits are kept secret, they will manifest themselves in our words and deeds.
Unfortunately I know this all too well from first hand experience. The destruction that such things can have on one's attitude, relationships and overall personality is devastating. At times I've been that destructive force that pushes people away even though I think I'm trying to draw them in. When you've something to hide, people aren't able to get close because you won't let them, and when you do, it's like a volcano vomiting molten lava all over the one who was really only trying to care.
What is attractive about someone who is closed off? Who says and does things that defame themself and others? Why should a person try to dig into a heart like that? Well, logic says stay away. At least in my mind that's what it says, protect yourself and back off. I see a problem with that approach however. If I'm supposed to love others like myself, I should really stop at nothing to try and help that person towards healing in Christ. Does love shrink away? Does love say "I'm out" when there's potential for disaster? I don't think so, Scripture seems to lean the other way. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." That's Jesus talking to his disciples and telling them to love each other as he has loved them (John 15:13). But what does that say about love? It says do anything necessary to help out a friend.
What are you saying if you walk away? You're saying you don't care, that says there's stuff within that needs to be resolved. What comes from the mouth comes from the heart.
I have a tendancy to step back, to allow someone else to deal with people. To "stay out of it" even when it's a friend that needs help.
There is continually stuff that's being brought to my attention, whether by the Spirit of God directly or through a friend, that needs to be dealt with. Things that have been long neglected that have caused rifts in relationships and would continue to do so were they not resolved. Many things have been and are being resolved, it's cool how that happens actually. God walks you through the trash and removes it from you but it seems that it happens in layers. When one layer of filth is peeled away another is revealed and the process starts again.
An infected wound is not able to heal unless the dead tissue, the infection, and any other impurities are removed. Obviously I'm no doctor, but I know this is the case.

I think much of this is a jumbled mess of thought in my mind, but that's alright, I don't really expect people to follow everything, but hopefully some of the things that I learn may give some insight for someone else.
Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. So what does that say about the way I talk trash about myself, about others (at times)? What does it say about my lack of trust in other people? What does that say about the times when I do nothing productive?
Methinks it says that there may be some things yet to be revealed that God wants to heal. These days, I'm always up for a challenge.

A quick thought

2006-08-27T21:37:00.000-06:00

I was at a retreat this weekend, a youth retreat. It was such a good time, I honestly loved it, which is quite a nice feeling cause many of the other retreats that I've gone on in the last year or so have been more burden than blessing for me (due to a bad attitude and stuff).
This morning as I sat on the dock on a beautiful lake and prayed and read some Scripture, I read Luke 18 cause I'm still following the daily reading pattern of RockPointe Church in Calgary even though I'm in Saskatchewan now. Anyway, as you sit and reflect on God I believe He tends to give you some things to ponder. Actually, truth be told, the thing I was thinking of mentioning was something that was rolling around in my little mind before that moment, but it seemed to keep coming to mind. Jesus spent much time teaching people, especially his disciples. What would it have been like on a regular night with Jesus? The nights that aren't written about in Scrtipture, although if they're not there we don't need to worry about it, it's just interesting to think about. It seems as though Jesus took any opportunity he had to teach. Maybe he just hung out with the boys on occasion, who knows? But as you read through the Gospels and pay attention to his interactions with people and his disciples, there were a good few times when he used the down times to teach. He'd give some wisdom or truth as they were kicking back at night after a long day of ministry, it was just part of his everyday conversation to impart truth into his disciples.
But how cool would it be to just kick back with Jesus and hang out with him? I mean, at this point all you'd want to do is sit on your face and thank him, but imagine the disciples, they were his closest friends. They got to be with him "behind the scenes" so to speak and just be with him whenever. As I got to sleep in a cabin with a bunch of jr. high guys the last couple nights I just thought about how it might have been like that with Jesus and his disciples on occasion. They'd just talk, he'd probably say something rather Godly (surprise, that's who he is) and it's just be a good old time. I love that thought, and man I'm sure glad that God has that in His character. I'm also glad that I can just fall on my face and sit in reverence of His greatness.
Which leads me to the Luke 18 passage. I can't remember which verse or section but it's where Jesus has little children coming to him and his disciples try to rebuke their parents but Jesus tells them "Let the little children come to me....." The part that stuck out to me, and maybe I should do a bit of a word study on it, but in Luke anyway, the verse before that says: "People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them." That was verse 15, I found it!
The part that stuck out to me pretty clearly was how they just wanted Jesus to touch the babies. That's all they were asking, not for him to do anything specific, just to touch them. It's like the woman who just wanted to close enough to Jesus so that she could touch his clothes, she knew that something would happen. Now that's faith.
All they wanted was him to touch them. They didn't ask for words of wisdom, they didn't ask for anything, just to touch them. It's like they knew that somehow just because he touched them, something would happen. People's lives change when Jesus touches them (which he still does, obviously). That's an incredible thought.
What would those babies that were brought to Him have been like after that? Did they grow to be disciples of the truth? Did they grow up to be great influencial people? Who knows, but it's clear that their lives were affected just by Jesus touching them.
What a great thing.

From the depths of my bowels

2006-08-24T17:23:00.000-06:00

I have to rather honest about this new stage of life. It sucks sometimes. I mean there are a lot of things that I just didn't really want to be ready for let alone having to deal with them. I know this is sounding much like complaining, and that's kinda my point. I complain too much. I mean, I'm so incredibly self centered at times that all I can see is the immediate result instead of the long term benefit or consequence of where I'm at and what I do.
I finally finished that book that I've mentioned a number of times, Uprising, and near the end of the book the entire focus was on the importance, richness and nobility of a life of wisdom. McManus was very good at communicating the truth of Scripture on the topic of wisdom, as I read I could honestly feel a stirring within me, a longing to live like that. Wisdom is a gift from God and the nobility that comes from a life of God given wisdom is astounding. Not the type of "nobility" that cries for attention or looks at oneself as higher than the rest but it is a life worth running after, it is a "noble" quality.
Do I want to be considered wise? Who doesn't?
Do I want to be applauded for wisdom? No, it's not mine to begin with, so how can I take any kind of credit for it?
Do I long, yearn to be blessed with such a gift that God allows me to see the long term benefits and consequences of today's actions so that my life will be honoring to God by the decisions and choices I make? Without a doubt.
Of course I still want to do dumb stuff and act like a so-called "idiot" at times, goof around and make people laugh, cause I love that, but if at the end of my life I could look back and thank the Father for providing me with the wisdom I needed to make the right choices, and see how that has been useful to Him, I would be so very thankful.
I look at the decisions and actions that I've made in the past that have brought me good and bad results and I say "thank you Lord for saving me" and "forgive me for my faults."

In my office I have placed a few things on the bulletin board, just some quotes and reminders of God's grace. The last couple days have been a bit of a struggle for me in many ways and as I was pondering some things this morning, I read "A Father's Love Letter" which is Scriptural truths of how God views us and who He is. One of the lines had Acts 17:26 attached to it. Here's what Acts 17:26-28 says:
"From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 'For in him we live and move and have our being.'"
The part that was in the letter is italicized and as I sit and think about the stuff that's dragging on me I am reminded of God's love. He put me here in this place for this time, so that I could seek and find him and share that with other people.
It's my calling to share Christ with people, and I don't always live worthy of that calling, but wisdom would say "take it easy, don't worry about yourself, you'll be taken care of. Just be who God has made you to be for now, God will continue the work He started in you long ago, live for others and the rest will get there in time."
It's a trust/faith issue. God gave me a moment of clarity so that I would come here, and He'll make things clearer and clearer as I continue to follow.
And so I part with the lyrics to a song that has been used to churn my soul towards God numerous times. It's by Caedmon's Call, it's called Lead of Love.

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky,
Now I see why

I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee

Some things never change.

2006-08-20T19:37:00.000-06:00

Having been a Bible college student I have had the priviledge to be a part of a few weddings in my time. This weekend was another one of those opportunities when I got to see one of my best friends marry probably the perfect person for him. I don't know what it is, but everytime I get to see that kind of match I just love it, anything that I can find to whine about just disappears and it's like some unexplainable joy hits. It's like you're seeing one of the greatest gifts that God could think of giving to someone so how can you not be excited about that?
Plus with stuff like that you get to hang out with people that you haven't seen for a while, especially at this stage of life when we're all relocating to different places and don't really get a chance to see each other all that often. So spending a couple days with the guys was a grand thing as well.
I did feel kinda bad that I took time off work after only working for a week but it was something that I asked about before I started so I guess I shouldn't feel too bad about it.
It was definitely difficult to come back last night, however, for lots of different reasons. I had to say goodbye to those people once again, some of whom I really miss a lot, but also because some good things were happening as the day progressed. And of course I haven't been living in SK for all that long so it was tough because I got used to being with all those people again and then had to take off back to my new home where it's not too much unlike the Cheers themesong, because everybody does know my name, but I don't know theirs, and they don't really know me all the well yet. It's like I had to leave the familiar, again, only to come back to the unfamiliar and mildly uncomfortable place.
People keep asking me if I'm getting settled in and I'm consistently honest with them when I answer. Yes, I'm beginning to settle in but it's going to take a while for me to get used to a lot of this stuff. I'm a pastor now..............yikes........I'm living on my own now.............twice yikes.............I have no roommates..........you can see where I'm going with this.
But even as I write this and talk to a friend on msn, I sit and look at a little bear that my parents gave me at my graduation with a pin on a card that reads Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans that I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Right now I'm kinda feeling like I need to hold on to verses such as those and claim God's promises of looking after me and knowing what's best, because if we were to look at what logic says, I would not have moved to a place where I don't know anybody, especially knowing my personality. And the way that I've been feeling, although I'm enjoying getting to know people and this church is great, coming home to nothing is not all that enjoyable sometimes, I have to rest on those words in Jeremiah because there's not much else it seems that I can count on. In fact, there's nothing else that I can really count on.
But as a result of that hope, that promise, I need to "walk on" in the words of U2 and continue following God. I need to love like Scripture screams out at us, the way that Jesus does. That's another one that I've been faced with recently as well. Reconciliation is a good thing and I'll leave it at that for now.

A question to ponder.

2006-08-16T18:47:00.000-06:00

So here's a question, if there's anyone that actually still reads this stuff then feel free to make a comment, if not, well, that's ok too. If Jesus said that his "yoke is easy" and his "burden is light" then why is it that so many Christians consistently feel overwhelmed/weighed down/burdened/wrecked, etc, the list can go on and on. I'm not really asking so I can find the answer to such a question, I'm just curious as to what people's thoughts on said topic might be.
And maybe even an add on to it, why do so many pastors, the one's who are supposed to be studying Scripture and applying Biblical practices to their lives, get tired, weary and lose heart?
Once again, not because I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality or any sort of thing like that, just pondering and thought I'd like to hear some other thoughts on it.
I have my first youth "event", though it's not really an event, tonight and I'm curious to see how many will show up, the summer seems to be pretty lazy around here and there don't seem to be many people around a lot of the time. So we'll see how it goes, in 10 minutes we're supposed to start, here's hoping some kids show up.
Then it's up bright and early, before the sun rises tomorrow morning to head to Vermillion and meet up with Mikey before we continue on to Edmonton.
I shall try and write something more in depth later.

I don't wanna settle.

2006-08-10T20:04:00.000-06:00

Well it has been a little while since I have had the chance to write something out on here and so here I sit in the "office" of my new place in North Battleford, SK (which is really the spare bedroom but I don't have a bed for it yet so it will remain the office for now). I started officially working at the church yesterday and found myself running out of time already, oh the life of a pastor I suppose. Today, however, was a different story. A bunch of the church leadership went into Saskatoon for Willow Creek's annual Leadership Summit, one of the churches in Stoon is a satellite host, the things you can do with technology these days.
Anyway, one of the speakers today (we're going back again tomorrow and saturday) talked a little about what we should expect of God as ministry leaders and how a lot just settle in their little comfortable lives and don't really think anything else will happen, and of course if you don't think it will and don't act in faith, what are the chances that God will honor that? Pretty good actually, I think He'll honor your lack of faith with the results that you deserve which turns out to be a whole lot of nothing. Now of course, God can choose to do whatever He wants and if He chooses to bless a ministry in spite of a leader or the congregants, that's cool, but I"m not sure it happens as often as we might wish.
Essentially what I was made to think of consequently is the fact that I don't just want to settle, I want to dream big and expect big things from God, why shouldn't I? After all He is the creator of the universe, you know, all powerful and all knowing, He can do huge things. But why should I expect something like that if I'm not willing to obey and push forward?
I look at this new ministry opportunity in which I have been so graciously placed and I see huge potential for some incredible God stuff to continue to happen. I don't know much of this place, I don't know much of anything really, but I'm finding that I have pretty strong confidence that God can do things beyond the limits what we generally place on Him. It's not a big city by any means, but why can't we have the largest church in Canada in this small city? There's no reason for me not to think it possible, especially if I'm leaving the real work to God. Something that I found much comfort in today was the sense that I actually believe God can do something huge in this city, I just need to act on that faith and tell other people about it and hopefully they can grab that vision. Why can't we have a church of 2 or 3,000 or more in a city of 14,000? There's no reason why not, unless all we all do is just settle for what we got.
God brought me to a conclusion today, that is that I don't wanna settle. I don't want to just accept that a small city has churches under 1,000 people and that's just the way it is, I don't want to settle for the daily grind, I don't want to settle for being a pessimist, I don't want to settle for a spouse just because I want to get married. I want to keep on walking, keep on looking, persue an incredible woman with passion and huge faith to spend my life with, I want to expect God to do huge things in this place and in my life, so I'm going to start doing those things. If it requires some waiting, that's fine, being impatient doesn't make the time pass by faster, or make the line grow shorter in a quicker time, it's all paced out in God's timing.
So faith without deeds is dead, I don't want that to be my faith.

"Come with me if you want to live"

2006-07-22T10:19:00.000-06:00

I decided to take a popular movie quote and twist it to serve my purposes. Good ol' Arnold Swarzenhooser said it in The Terminator but it reminds me of a few other things. I've mentioned in a previous post that I'm reading Uprising by Erwin McManus and I'm really loving it. I've been finding myself resonating with what he writes about so of course I'm going to like the book. It's really all about living, actually living and not just existing. I've found that this last year or possibly year and a half I've just been existing for no other purpose than to do so. I have to be honest, I've never really been comfortable with that idea but have often, well almost always found myself just existing and never really living.
Basically the premise of his book is to point people to the call of God on our lives to live, in some respects dangerously, but essentially to live like Jesus. I mean if you think about it, what was Jesus saying to his disciples when he told them to follow him? And this is where I twist the quote, he was basically saying "come with me if you want to live." He called Peter and Andrew, James and John out of their boats from their plain old lives and offered them something different. He called Matthew from being a tax collector (one of the more despised professions of the time) to follow him. He was drawing those guys from the monotony of their old lives to take them places they never would have even dreamed, from merely existing to experiencing life.
These are things I have been thinking about lately as I find myself preparing for something that I've never done before and frankly am not sure that I'm ready for, being an adult. But it's as if I'm responding to Jesus saying to me "come with me if you want to live." He sees the monotony of my life and knows there's so much more for me to experience if only I'll go. So I'm hoping I've at least taken a step in the right direction by taking a job that I feel completely helpless to do, to experience some incredible acts of God in that context.
I mean think about the lives of the disciples after they chose to follow Jesus, was there really any ordinary day for them? Yeah they kicked back and enjoyed themselves on occasion, Jesus knew the importance of that, but what happened with the rest of their lives after that initial decision? They experienced life, I mean really experienced it. They saw things that nobody could explain, Jesus healed people, drove out demons (taught them to do so as well) he fed thousands in their presence, he caused excitement for them and a few moments of fear as well, and that's before his resurrection! Then after that they kept on going and did some crazy weird things then too! I have to be honest, that's kind of exciting and appealing to me!
I'm kind of tired of always playing it safe all the time, what's the point? Why not step out and do something that otherwise seems stupid or dangerous? Why not talk to that guy that's sleeping in the back alley beside his shopping cart? Why not help that person change their tire on the side of the road? Why not jump out of a plane just for the thrill? Why not stir up the pot a little for the sake of advancing the gospel? Why not ask the pretty girl for her phone number?
Why not? What's the worst that can happen to me? I get rejected? Laughed at? Hated? Persecuted? Chased down? Beat up? Shot at? Kidnapped?
So what? What was Jesus like? He was the type to take some risks, to go out on the limb, knowing he was going to cause some uproar, but he was cool with it. He didn't have any problem with the Pharisees, with the demon possessed, with the outcasts. It's the same thing we've heard a billion times, but why does it never sink in?
The people that I've most admired in life have been the ones who took the chances that people like me were too scared to take. Why did they do it? Conviction, passion, love, service, all the things that I want to be, that's why they did it. So will that be me? Will I get out of the boat and follow, will I leave my tax collector's booth and go? When Jesus says to me, "come with me if you want to live" will I say, "ok, let's go" or will I just stay put for safety's sake?
I want to live. That's what I've decided.

That's my boy.

2006-07-19T21:41:00.000-06:00

Ok, this one may sound slightly cheesy but that's alright. I've been in Ontario staying with my parents for the last couple weeks almost and I have a couple weeks left here. My uncle and his family are visiting right now and here's a bit of a story that made me think.
I was working at the old fry shack today (that's a story in itself, mainly cause I need some extra cash but they were also in a bind), and at the end of the day, it was around 8:30 tonight actually, my parents and my uncle, aunt and their two little boys were down at the beach where I met them when I was done work. So while we were down on the beach, I went swimming and caught the sunset as I swam. Now for those who aren't familiar with Sauble Beach, the beach itself faces west so the sun sets over the lake, it's incredible and tonight was no exception in that respect. Well, it was actually exceptional, the colors were amazing. And of course I couldn't help but think of God and His bigness.
Now later on, but not too much later, as we were getting out of our vehicles at the house, my little cousin who can't be much older than 4ish (I'm actually not sure how old he is) asked my dad "what's he doing here?" Of course he was curious because the last time I saw him all he knew how to do was load his pants and smile, so he didnt' know who I was. My dad answered him with a certain tone in his voice, "That's my boy." He was of course explaining to the little one that I belong here and it's ok, but what he said was what really sparked my thoughts.
I've been told that something changes when you become a parent and you just love that kid, no matter what. Now of course there's exceptions to that and it's rough to see that too, but of course I don't understand either side of it. Regardless, that comment made me think. There's not a thing that I could do that would make my dad not love me. At least I don't think so, I mean he's seen me at my best and worst, I'm not the greatest person at times but he still says "that's my boy."
Now of course knowing me, I took it another step further and started thinking of how God says the same thing. He even said it about Jesus in the Gospels. When Jesus got baptized and the Holy Spirit decended on him like a dove, what did God say, well the "voice from heaven?" He said "this is my son, whom I love, with him I am well pleased, listen to him," or in other words, "that's my boy!" There's a sense of pride in that, but the good kind, the kind that comes from love, the "boy, I'm proud of you" kind of pride. But if my dad, my human dad can have that kind of pride in me, how much more does God feel that way about me, regardless of what I do or don't do. That's a comforting thought on both levels.
So that's my story.

Life's a Beach.

2006-07-13T19:10:00.000-06:00

Now that I'm home in Ontario, especially here at the beach, I've been appreciating this place more and more. I absolutely love it here, the scenery that is. It's so beautiful and I never realized how great it was until I lived a few years in the prairies and came back. My parents and I went for a picnic at Tobermory today, for those of you who have no idea what that means, it's the end point on the Bruce Peninsula, the escarpment that begins at Niagara Falls continues through Owen Sound and up the Bruce Peninsula and Tobermory is sort of the end point, although it still continues....blah blah blah, I know. But we were walking around in that little town which is essentially a small marina with some shops and houses surrounding it, and I was realizing how much I miss those types of places, you know, water.
Then I spent some time on the beach tonight, read and went for a swim. It was a good way to reflect, I'm in that kind of a mood today, moreso than usual I suppose.
I recently started reading "Uprising" by Erwin MacManus and I am really enjoying it so far. It's actually been useful in God showing me how deep pride runs in me at times, it's kind of scary, but it's a good thing to be made aware of it. You can't fix something if you don't know it's broken.
Pride is one of those things that works its way into you so that you don't even notice, sometimes it's painfully obvious and other times it's not so clear, maybe to those around you but not always to you.
All I could think about as I read was how much I want to be so bent on God and his purpose that nothing else matters, and as things fall into place after that I can count them as a gift from Him and not as the goal in themselves. As I reflected on life earlier today and how I often find myself desiring to be in a relationship with a "significant other" and further into the future, married with kids, but I often see those things as the goal in themselves. Or even what my career might look like and all that junk, seeing those things as the end in themselves does not provide much hope in life, because once you get there, then what? If my goal is to get married, and it happens, then what? But if my goal is to dive deeper and follow God wherever, that's a goal that I think is worthy of persuing with everything, and if I am blessed with a wife and a family, that's great! Then I can enjoy that and contribute as much as possible.
I guess it may not make a lot of sense, at least the way I said it, but it's making sense in my mind. The ultimate goal, in my mind, if not eternal is not worth it.
I tend to be very much of a future oriented person, I'm always thinking of what things will be like 5 or 10 or even 40 years down the road. I think there's some importance in making plans, but worrying so much about the future only stalls me from being who God has made me now.
These all seem to be such fundamental realizations, but when you rerealize them for the first time in a long time and actually begin to really grasp a bit of the concept, it's exciting.
The bottom line is, I want to live, and live freely, I mean real freedom, not something that I think is freedom but is really holding me back from experiencing God and being changed and molded to look more like Him.
There's a song, it's a country song (that's right), Paul Brandt sings it. The song is called "Loving You" I think, something along those lines. One line goes a little something like this: "Loving you is what I want to be remembered for." Now the song is directed towards a woman, it's pretty clear, but man do I want to be remembered for loving, actually living the two main commandments. Love God, love people. The question is, what am I going to do about that?

The air is thick with moisture.

2006-07-10T11:11:00.000-06:00

I have recently found myself returning home to Ontario for a few weeks vacation and everything seems the same since the last time I was here. One thing I definitely haven't missed about Ontario summers is the humidity that coats you as you leave a building, or stay inside, anywhere really. I can feel my lungs working just a little harder to deal with the moisture in the air.
The best part about such weather is the incredible thunder storms that come through. I was hoping that there would be at least one good thunders storm whilst being home and it did indeed occur last night. The storm lasted for hours and the windows shook with various rumbles throughout the night. There's nothing quite like going to the beach and watching the storm as it crawls across the lake. I sat in my parent's minivan, which is a sweet ride by the way, and watched the lightning light up the entire sky, you know it's a good one when for a split second it seems like daytime.
I couldn't help but feel dwarfed by the storm. Imagine what it would have felt like to one of the Israelites in the Old Testament when they were within spitting distance of the close presence of God, near Sinai, the pillar of fire, etc. I am so not fit to follow God, but he lets me anyway, I can't get over that one, and I don't ever want to. It's so great to be able to reflect on God's goodness to me in spite of me.
I've been reading Joshua lately, there's some pretty interesting stuff that happens while Joshua leads Israel. The Jordan river stops flowing at the command of God, the walls of Jericho crumble at a shout from God's people, and that's only within the first few chapters, all because they believed God and obeyed. What does He want to do with me, through me, or even for me if I just believe and obey? Unfortunately I come short of both of those sometimes, but how cool is grace? And I don't mean my grandma(whose name is Grace), I mean the fact that God is so relentlessly in love with me/us that He went to the absolute extreme and continues to do so just so that He can have me and I Him. Wow, that's all I can say.

On another topic, it's wierd being home again. There's not many people that I know anymore and even those that I do "know" I don't actually "know" them, you know? But it's fun to be back and kick around town and hang out on the beach. I really had a good place to grow up and call home. I was thinking the other day about how much has happened with me since the last time I was home. It's been a year and a half, a lot happens in that much time, it doesn't seem long, but so much has happened. I can't even think of what my life may be like a year and a half from now, I think it's best not to think about that. Matthew 6 comes to mind with Jesus' words of "do not worry", many times He has reminded me of His sovereignty through that passage.

Relocation: The epic saga.

2006-07-03T10:42:00.000-06:00

It was a beautiful sunny day of late when the moving vehicle arrived at my Calgary home to steal away with my belongings and take them toward their next adventure.....Ok I can only take so much of that language.
So I'm actually moved to North Battleford now, well, mostly. Everything that I own is now sitting in the basement of my new place awaiting my return in August. This past week a couple guys from the church up there came to Calgary with a truck and trailer to load up my stuff and take it up there, I joined them there the next day. It blows my mind the lengths those great people are going to help me get there. It's an incredible blessing really, which makes me even more excited to get started up there working in that community with those people, of course it won't be a cake walk but there's so much potential and well friendliness there that it's definitely something to look forward to. The funniest part of that story is that in all the moving process, it only took about 30 minutes to load the trailer and 18 minutes (it was timed) to unload it. So with the exception of packing, unpacking and travel time, the move took less than an hour.
I guess that's the way it works when you're fresh out of college without much in the line of material things. I'm kinda hoping it'll stay that way as well, makes things a little easier in the long run.
But as for now, the thing that I look forward to most is going home to Ontario for 3 and a half weeks. There's something about home that is an oasis for me. It's been the place of much healing I suppose you could say, although this time I might be a little more proactive in what I do while I"m there. I have about 4 or 5 books that I want to have completed by the end of my time there, it shouldn't be too hard to do. If I am able to get through them all, it'll have been the most books read in that short of time for me, ever I think. I have recently been discovering that I enjoy reading good books, this is a relatively new experience for me because I've never really enjoyed reading. I suppose things change when you're no longer in school and forced to read.
It's interesting how God uses other people's perspectives on faith and life to strengthen, shape and restore your own.
So now I await heading to Ontario for some fun and refreshment (not refreshments), and who knows what's coming down the pipe next, well God does, He's been leading me so far, even when I wasn't asking for it, and here I am, not done yet. A life of pessimism turned somewhat optimistic, now that's a strange thought. And to think of the things that needed to happen for me to finally be maliable enough for God to work some miracles. Not that he couldn't before, but it wouldn't have been the same, not for me anyway, and I think it's better this way even though I don't know what's ahead necessarily, I welcome it all with very open arms. This is not a case of the blind leading the blind, it's definitely a case of the guide leading the follower. And this is one follower who's putting all stakes in the one leading him.
It's a high stakes reality when you think of it. Putting everything you've got in one hand, and betting your life. But knowing what will come in the end, that's a chance I'm willing to take, regardless of what happens along the way. In no way does the end justify the means, but when the end is right, there's really only one way for you to get there.
On a completely unrelated topic, I have my own place now. That's such a crazy weird thought for me, living by myself, with no roommates, without the cafeteria nearby, you know the comforts of college. This growing up thing is strange, good thing I'm not going to actually grow up, I'll just pretend to and that'll satisfy the people around me. I'll be the mature kind of kid though, you can be sure of that.

so tired....

2006-06-23T23:33:00.000-06:00

I know, I know, the last thing that I should be doing is writing another shpiel on here, but it's not going to be long.
I'm doing custodial work for a worship conference at our church this weekend, but it has a good number of people at it that aren't from our church, in fact most aren't. As well as seminars all day and such that we have to set up for, there have been worship services at night as well, led by Robin Mark (not sure if you've heard of him and yes I"m name dropping). Anyway, the worship sets themselves I find myself not being able to engage very easily, which isn't all that out of the ordinary for me, but it's strange. However, the speaker, who is Paul Reid, the pastor at Robin Mark's church, is incredible. He's Irish (it makes sense, considering he's from Ireland), and he's fantastically funny but an incredible preacher as well.
He has some interesting thoughts and beliefs on life and I find myself fitting right in. This evening I was having trouble focussing and it allowed my mind to wander to all the reasons why I want to be mad at God. When it comes down to it, I'm just full of pride that I couldn't even recognize before. I knew I had some issues with pride, but it's showing itself pretty strong right now. I hate the stuff that comes up when God brings it up, not because it's at the surface or that it has to be dealt with and repented of, but mostly because it's been allowed to be a part of me for so long. That's where the sting comes.
God's been showing me (I think) how my attitude is often a "kicking and screaming" type of attitude. As if to say "Ok, I'll do it your way, but I'm going to make it as hard as possible." Well who's it hard on? Me. I'm not being cynical or over self-eroding, I'm just exploring this as it's fresh in my mind.
I'll likely end up writing more (strangely enough I wrote another post earlier saying I didn't have much to say anymore), but for now I must hit the hay, late nights and early mornings this weekend. 11 hours of work today in a 16 hour period, likely similar tomorrow.

Is it the end of the world as we know it?

2006-06-23T14:33:00.001-06:00

I'm a little frightened at this particular moment because I have just realized that I've not been "thinking" as much as I normally do. I can't blame it on a lack of creativity or say that there's nothing to ponder, because neither of those are true.
I am, however, finding myself actually thinking more about my future and how to "strategize" for what's to come, mostly with regards to my career. I"m actually thinking on why it is that many youth pastors seem to want to leave their churches after only 3 years of service. That's a good run, I suppose, but to me it seems like you'll never really get anywhere with jumping from place to place and spending a minimal amount of time at each place. Maybe it is possible to accomplish much and see many great things happen in that short span of time, of course it's God who does the real work anyway, but it seems that when it comes to the human relationships and the direction of a ministry plan, there's hardly a chance to get that kind of ball rolling in that amount of time. Of course I'm also beginning to wonder how long is "too long" for a youth pastor to be in the same church. It seems that ministry can always continue on well, but the impact that one can have decreases significantly after around 6 years, and maybe your passion and desire for that one church might diminish as well. I don't know, these are all just thoughts, but one thing I do know is that the church needs people who are committed to pushing through, even though it may get hard and it needs people who are intentional and at least somewhat strategic in what they do so that there's some sort of direction happening.
It seems that a lot of people bail when it gets super tough, I know there's definitely good reasons for some to leave their situation, and some even have trouble doing so as well. But then there seems to be others who just get "burned" by something and check out.
That would be like someone deciding to become homosexual because one relationship with the opposite sex didn't work out, that's how I see it anyway. Not all situations are the same, yes it is vastly important to take time to heal and recover, but why ditch completely? Maybe God's calling them elsewhere, maybe it'll happen to me and I"ll have to eat my words, who knows, I sure don't, but God does. Maybe we're just too chicken to face a little adversity when it really comes down to it. Maybe not.
I know some people who have left a ministry situation after a relatively short period of time and it's precisely what needed to happen. I'm in that situation right now, and it's exactly what needs to happen. So I'm not saying that everyone who leaves a church before their 4 year mark is a wuss or isn't committed, what I am saying is that there seems to be a trend that says after 3 years you're done, so you might as well get out while you can. That, I'm not fond of.

Pack it up, pack it in...

2006-06-15T18:31:00.000-06:00

It is now roughly two weeks until I will be throwing my belongings into a U-Haul trailer and haulin' it to North Battleford Saskatchewan, where I will be soon settling in as the Associate Pastor (or as I like to call it, the Ass. Pastor) of the Alliance Church there. This move comes with mixed emotions, sort of. If I had been asked to make such a decision and go there 6 months ago, the decision would have been packaged with much greater sadness and difficulty but at this point in time I feel the draw and release of one of those moments in life that I believe God grants us with a little more peace than we might otherwise feel.
I'm rambled on with my musings of life, love, and the American Way (what? that's not right). Ok about life and godliness, that I certainly have expressed my innermost thoughts on. At this point, I'm rediscovering how much I despise moving, not everything that goes with it, just the physical act of moving belongings from one place to another, it's annoying. I don't enjoy packing in the least, usually because for me that entails a lot of cleaning up of piles of paper that I've strategically hidden so that I don't have deal with them right away. However, today proved to be a positive experience in packing as I shuffled through some papers and cards I found $30 that I thought I had long spent on something, but much to my surprise I became $30 richer again today.
There is, however, certain difficult emotions to wade through as one packs up and prepares for a new adventure. I feel it's the right time for me to go, mainly because I feel God's calling me elsewhere, but my time is coming to a close on my life in Calgary, at least for this stage, I'm not the one to say whether or not I'll end up back here again. It's interesting how life changes, relationships change, but there are certainly some people you know you will always remain in contact with and keep up that friendship built so long ago. For me there are a few from before I reached my Bible college years that I know I will remain in contact with and I certainly look forward to hearing the stories of their adventures. Jon and Fran are two of those people, although we don't work extremely hard and regular contact, whenever we cross paths there's a great story of life to be shared. Jon and myself go back a long time, to early childhood, though our friendship didn't grow to any depth until our high school years. Steve is another that I will remain good friends with, I'm sure for quite some time, although across a country from each other, we still throw each other the occasional phone call or e-mail of encouragement and news.
Matt and Mike are two others who have more recently (by more recently I mean since I started college) found themselves at a depth of friendship with me, and I expect that the three of us will maintain our wildly hilarious and very "iron sharpens iron" sort of relationships for our lifetimes.
I feel that period of my life coming to a close, I know I will continue grow relationships with people that will be godly and beneficial and long lasting, but there's something about those friendships, especially those of the same sex, that you make in your highly formative college years that remains for a long time. The most interesting part is that I can think of numerous stories of betrayal or "dirtbaggin'" as we've affectionately named it, and stories of great laughs all mixed in with some major growth experiences with those guys. That's something to hold on to. I won't go into any details of those stories, I'm sure that those who are privy to my thoughts will gather at least a couple of those anecdotes and find some humour in them again.
I feel God is preparing me for this next step in life and in service to Him. He has wildly expanded my perception of Himself over the last short time and has grown my heart for ministry and passion for life ever more than I've experienced.
The sovereignty of God completely astounds me as I recall the hills and valleys of life. Take away one or the other and life is boring, or so I'm learning. We make mistakes and although redemption lies in wait for us from the Father himself, we still experience the fallenness and the consequence of this world. Newton's laws of physics can come into play in this idea, at least the one that speaks of every action having an equal and opposite reaction. If we look at that in a different light we can see how that may ring true on some levels in life itself. Truth or consequence it could be called. The fact is, what we do directly affects what happens later on. It may take years, it may only take seconds, but we feel the consequences of our actions, whether good or bad.
The much brighter side of this story is that God does redeem. He takes those horrible situations that we are either placed in or place ourselves in and He uses them for His glory and sometimes our own. Not to say that's a vain glory for us, that's a God-given glory handed to us from the Father. Every good and perfect gift is from above, don't forget that. I'm learning to see many things as gifts from the Father. Life, love, relationship, breath, to name a few, all come from the Creator of everything. It is through our twisted eyes from our fallen nature that skews the good in those things and causes us pain at times. Life was not meant to end, love was not meant to hurt, relationship was not meant to destroy, these were all meant for the good and enjoyment of His creation. Wow does it take a lot for someone like me to realize that. My heart is stubborn, I know that well, and unfortunately probably not as well as I will know it in 25 years. I, like Jacob, wrestle with God on many occasions, and God wins, every time and I usually walk away with a "limp" or a scar to prove it. But what do those scars do for me? They soften that stubbornness a little for the next time I decide to go head to head with God. It can be likened to a chi-hua-hua trying to pick a fight with an elephant, it's a given who'll come out on top, but I tend to jump in the ring and give it a go anyway.
With all these things occuring in a very short period of time for me recently, I know I am no where near being on the other side of that valley, but the worst of the trip is over, at least until I reach the top of the hill and see the vast mountain ranges that lie ahead of me.
God prepares us for adventure, He prepares us for the right battles that He knows we're going to be entering, and he's right there to remove the arrows and sear the wounds that we endure in the midst of those battles. He does this because He loves us, and He wants us to join in to fight the greater battle, for the hearts of the world. The battle has been won, but the war is far from over because the opposition isn't going down without a fight, so I'm suiting up and running into the crowd with armour on and sword ready.
The things that have happened in recent days have played major roles in bringing me to where I am now, God has used certain people and certain events to humble me and to ready me for the next part. And in the rest of the night, I will have people to recline and relate with, that I've been fighting alongside in the same war.
So the people that I am leaving behind, they will hold a place in my heart and mind, I will remember the days of my time here in Calgary, and I will look fondly on those people who have played a part in my life's story and have helped me (more than they know) turn to God and become more of the man that God is making me to be. But I won't live in one place while my heart still waits in another. I will carry on and I will maintain the relationships I hold here because they have all meant something to me, but my heart will lie where my Father is, and the rest will remain as an ally to a greater cause.

2006-06-10T12:27:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone else who thinks the way that I do. I consistently get caught up in "how things should happen" instead of just going along with the way they actually do happen.
For a long time now I've had this innate fear/feeling/thought that if I enter into a situation in life that resembles another's situation, that I am destined to experience the same fate that my predacessor suffered. Another thought that plagues me at times is that if I can't imagine what it would be like to either experience something or be somewhere, then it must be that I will never experience it. These are ridiculous thoughts of course, and I see them as that but nonetheless they are an ever present picture in my mind that my life will not be any different than anyone else's. Were I to dwell on such thoughts and allow them to infiltrate to the core of my being, I would most certainly lead a rather sad existence without any hope of anything different. The fact of the matter is, I don't allow those thoughts to overwhelm or overcome me and I actively fight them off and surrender to the Spirit of God for comfort and assurance so that hope can exist in my life.
Hope is an interesting concept that I'm not sure is entirely easy to understand. Why should hope be the one thing that an entire religion holds onto? In a world full of scientific "fact" and theory (of course I speak of the "Western World") such an idea is ludicrous. Why base your life on something that you can't even prove or say is absolute? They do raise an interesting question and I think it's a question that we as believers individually need to wrestle with and reach a conclusion on if we really are to give our lives to such a cause. I am heading into a full-time pastoral ministry position within a couple very short months and this is a question that I don't seem to have difficulty with anymore. The answer to said question of course looks and sounds different for each person but the elements are essentially the same. The answer comes with time, experience, surrender and difficulty sometimes. And it seems much more simple than it actually is, or maybe it's much more simple than it indeed seems. But the ultimate conclusion that we come to as believers in such a hope is that it is indeed a legitimate hope. It is not a lie that we are trusting, it is in fact the truth that comes from God.
I have recently experienced something that I fully believe and hope will remain with me for the remainder of my life and that is an adjustment of faith that I don't believe has anything to do with me. Where I once suffered great agony in my soul of struggle with the truth of God, there is a peace and calm that can only come from one source, THE Source. Such a struggle does not seem to be evident in my mind these days, who knows maybe my sinful nature will once again catch up with me and my mind will be clouded from my Father but as for now I will live in the comfort and the assurance of hope.
And as for what I began with, those thoughts continue to flare up in mind, as I venture into pastoral ministry alone, I look at the negative possibilities and the negative experiences others have had, forgetting the positive ones and forgetting that my life is not like anyone else's. That's a weird thought I know, because we should all know that we're different than everyone else and our personal experiences will not follow any kind of precident, because with God, there seems to be no such thing and that's something that I am a huge fan of. I'm afraid of being single for long, yes, but I'm beginning to see the importance of the place in life that God has put me for now and that's part of this place. So I will carry on, I will walk into situations that I don't know the outcome to because I know that God's not finished with me yet, it kinda seems like he's only getting started.

A funny thing happened....

2006-06-06T23:57:00.000-06:00

The funny thing of which I speak happened as I was on my way to my small group tonight in the south of the city at Shawn Jones' house. I was picking up some snacks for us to enjoy after we had our Bible study and as I was backing out of my parking space, another car backed into the back of mine. Now for some of you, mainly my family or one or two of my friends, you may be thinking that I just wasn't paying attention at all because it has happened to me before. But that was not the case this time, I was actually paying attention and had been looking of my shoulder, and as I was getting ready to shift into 1st gear, an older couple who in fact were not looking backed into my car. I was scared to death that I was going to have to go through the pains of dealing with insurance companies again, and my day hadn't left me in the greatest of moods so I was soured slightly as I searched my insurance card. I also suspect that they couple had noticed a little damage on the one corner of my rear bumper but tried to distract my attention from it. I didn't see it until after our interaction to make sure they were ok. It doesn't really bother me, hence why I say it was a funny thing. I just find it slightly humorous that the only car incidents that I've had have been within the last year and in this same city.
Of course I was nice to the elderly couple and didn't cause any problems. I could have been angry, but it just isn't worth getting mad over someone's lapse in judgment. I have those experiences all the time, where I do something that I just hit myself in the forehead because I know it was a dumb mistake and hope that the other person's response will be one of grace.
God is good to grant us the grace needed in situations like that and I am so very thankful for it.

I've been throwing a bunch of ideas together in a document on my computer lately. I don't know what it will turn into if anything at all. Since I've been done school and work has slowed to a crawl for a little while I've been finding myself with a lot more time on my hands than I am used to. In some respects it is a very good thing for me because I have been reading more, meeting with people more and all around dealing with my thoughts as they come instead of suppressing them. There are a few things that I have been thinking about that I will choose not to share at this point but have been taking up a lot of my thoughts lately but some of the other things that I have been thinking about have been flowing into words on a page that I hope to be able to share with other people someday.
I would really love to be an author. I enjoy writing, although not extremely great with the english language, I like to place my thoughts into written form. I find that when I write I am much more capable of expressing my thoughts than when I merely speak them.
I've been thinking a lot about the passion for ministry which God has been lighting up within me. There are so many things that I believe could use a little shove in the right direction when it comes to 'church.' I sincerely hope that I will have the chance to be a part of some of those things. It seems that there may be a potentially big awakening within the Church happening within my lifetime, I can only pray and hope that God will allow me to be around to be a part of that. There is a certain complacency within congregants that we may not even really recognize as a problem. Many people have been talking about this type of issue for years, quite possibly centuries, but the thing is that it doesn't seem like people are getting it.
Our society is cause for much difficulty within the church as we are infiltrated with so much garbage and we accept it in the name of relevance. I am one who believes that the church needs to be the reflection of Christ and as we seek to preach the gospel as we have been commanded there may not be a lot of space for relevance. There is certainly not space for complacency that cripples but is accepted for the sake of comfort or stability. Maybe we need to take an adventurours step and risk losing money so that God can be pleased with his chosen ones instead of turning his head from his "Israelites" because they have chosen to make up a "golden calf" that looks an awful lot like affluence.
I struggle with these things myself because I like stuff. I like movies, big tv's , nice cars and leather furniture. Maybe we don't have to give up all our comforts, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we were more generous with our money, time and energy for the sake of Christ.
Something we discussed in our small group tonight was "who are we as church leaders asking the people to serve?" All too often it seems like we are asking people to serve us or our ministries, but there's a problem even within that sentence. WE are not asking, or should not be asking, anyone to serve, we should merely be relaying God's commands from Scripture.
It is the Lord Christ we are serving, and as such we should and must be giving everything we can to see to it that the gospel of Christ is preached in places that it hasn't been and in places where it has been because even those of us who have heard it all our lives, we forget so very easily.
I'll have to limit my wild rampage of brain vomit for now because I am getting slightly tired and my thoughts will likely continue to make less sense if I continue.

Love like you've never been hurt...

2006-06-03T23:48:00.000-06:00

I'm a little frustrated because I lost what I was writing a few minutes ago and it won't be quite the same as it was, but I think I'll get by.
I've been thinking about what I say lately, I mean, do I actually mean what I say and do I show it? It's like in James 2 when he talks about the whole "faith without deeds is dead" thing. You can say you believe something, but if there's nothing to back it up, do you really believe it? The gospel of Christ is the kind of experience that requires more than just words being said to show you believe it. It makes sense doesn't it? If I say I believe the Bible, but absolutely nothing that I do shows that statement to be true, do I actually believe it? I would suggest not. In a similar way, if I say that I want to support the fight against cancer but I do nothing at all to show that, who will believe me in saying that? Nobody.
The perspective I am currently pondering is that of love. If I tell someone I love them (parent, friend, brother, sister, etc.) but do nothing to show it, why should they actually believe what I'm saying? This is something that I've struggled with for a few years, and it's not an easy one to grapple.
One of my best friends, Mike, has some wall hangings on the wall in his apartment (perhaps the doing of his fiancee, perhaps not, I don't know) one of which reads "Love like you've never been hurt." How hard is that? I've been thinking it should maybe say "Love like you've never been hurt and like you've never hurt someone." For me, actions speak louder than words, that's just how my personality works, and if I say something I want to follow it up with action, of course I don't always succeed and that rips me apart when I don't. It comes from dependence on God, and sometimes I'm just not there, it's so tough. So when I hurt someone, it's so tempting to just shut people that I care about "for their best interest" so that I can't hurt them or be hurt again.
Does that really give any value to life? I don't think so. Jesus loved regardless. He got trashed by others, and he just kept walking towards Golgotha because of his love for us all.
That's so huge to me. He didn't just say it, he showed it. I believe that God has given me the gift of service, so being a servant is one way I show I care. Or you could say that one of my love languages is works of service. But to go along with that is the words of affirmation or encouragement one. They go hand in hand in my mind and it works perfectly for me. The difficulty comes when others don't show me that they care or that they mean what the say in the same ways I do, because in the end I feel rejected or hurt. Sometimes it's warranted, sometimes maybe not, I'm certainly not the best judge of that.
As I had mentioned previously, it comes down to whether I'm willing to love regardless of what will happen. I truly believe that life without love is not worth living, but I don't mean "marriage" kind of love or even just "friends" kind of love. I mean love in it's truest form, from God, that bleeds into all relationships and all areas of life, regardless of what comes back to you.
After all, is it really love if you expect something in return?

I got a lot of leavin' left to do....

2006-06-01T12:46:00.000-06:00

Dierks Bentley said it well...although his song was referring to a guy who just wasn't ready to settle down yet. I'm leavin' to go somewhere to begin "settling down." It's not at all like I used to imagine when I was younger. Yes, I used to imagine what it would be like to actually be some place and have a family and all that jazz. I still do as a matter of fact.
There seems to be a few things missing from that picture that was once painted inside my mind. There's a companion missing, not just a wife but a woman to share my life with, maybe I haven't even met her yet, maybe I have, who knows. Although at this point in time, I'm not at the place where that's even possible in my mind, there's still some healing and growth that needs to happen, I think. There's no children in the picture yet either. It's not quite what I had originally planned, that's for sure, but the interesting thing is, I'm more than ok with it that way. I struggle with the lonliness factor at times, it's a frightening thing to have nobody to "come home to." But those things come at the right time, never the wrong one.
I admire any woman who has ever held interest in me, I'm a tough nut to crack and a difficult person to be around sometimes, it would take a lot of patience. Although I do think a few of those things have slightly changed within the last little while, at least it seems that way.
I was saying to a very good friend the other day how I've been noticing how much things can change and how much you can learn in just a 24 hour period. It's insane really.
I have learned so much about God, myself, life, other people, etc. in the last 6 or so weeks than I have in a very long time.
It's interesting how with all that has happened in my life in the last 2 months, I can look back over the last year especially and see God's hand in my life, even though I could not see it before.
Something very significant has changed within me, it's such a great experience. There are things that if given the chance, I would "redo", knowing how I've hurt people, but even those people have displayed forgiveness, and that's cool too.
I'm so excited for life, to see what's going to happen in the next few days, months, years. I hope and pray I will be able to look back on this period in time and remember in vivid detail how God has carried me, literally.

Education, the avenue to life. Life, the REAL education.

2006-05-30T16:39:00.000-06:00

I recently began reading the book that I've heard so much about, Wild at Heart by John Eldridge. I haven't gotten too deep into the pages yet, so I can't comment a whole lot, nor should I because I haven't fully explored it. I'm struggling with some, well most actually, of his ideas of what a man truly desires. The things that he says men have been fashioned to go after but don't actually desire are the very things that I want right now. Admittedly, I'm at a very different stage of life than him right now, so maybe those things will change. But I felt like I'm somehow not a man if I don't fit into his categorical slots of masculinity. Just a thought on that.

As I now officially prepare myself to do what I believe God is directing me towards (hopefully that's the case anyway), I sit in tremendous fear of the unknown. The strange thing is that it's almost exciting, but far from crippling (which I have to be honest, is very different from what fear has done to me in the past). Now I know, those who have read Wild at Heart will tell me that that's one of the deep longings of the masculine soul and thus my previous statement is discredited, but alas that's not what I was talking about.
I have accepted a position as a pastor in Saskatchewan of all places. What am I thinking? Well, to be honest, all I'm thinking is that I want to serve God and follow where he directs me, and I believe this is the place at this stage of life. There are so many unknowns and that drives me nuts, I always have to know what's going to happen and who will be involved, basically it's my sinful nature and my desire for control. But like many people, I have experienced the downfalls of what happens when I try to control everything around me. It's frustrating because you realize you can't, and it hurts because you make massive mistakes and sometimes hurt others along the way. That's something you can't take back, but it IS something that you can be forgiven for. Praise God for that.
What do I judge as success? Why does it matter what I think? It doesn't. The only thing I should be concerned about is am I right with God and am I following him. Those should be my main concerns. All too often they slide to 2nd or 3rd or 100th on my list of "things that I am concerned about". It's a good thing that God reminds us who's got it together and who doesn't, even though it's not the easiest pill to swallow. It's in our inmost nature to want to succeed, to do well and have people like us, that's the way I tend to see it anyway. But what does it mean to succeed? A spouse? kids? a nice house? car? job? money? stuff? lots of friends? Maybe there's nothing wrong with those things, but what happens when they become our driving force? What should my ultimate goal be? Trust and obey the Father. Pleasing God, for the soul purpose of being a Christ follower, not doing Christianity, because he wants us to. Oh so simple to write, oh so hard to live.
The great part of it is the whole grace thing. I suck, everyone knows it, but God makes me something that I could never have been, he changes me, he saves me, and gives me his spirit. It doesn't make sense when you've never tasted it, but man there's nothing better when you do.
My heart has been broken, on so many different levels, due to my own sin and to other things that resulted from that. But healing has begun, and it continues. And I am certainly not able to claim that it's cause I've done anything to make it happen. God saw the need to break me to the point that he needed to so that I would actually listen, by his grace he is making me into something I could never become on my own.
It's tough to look back and see how God's timing is best, because sometimes it means we experience difficulty in the meantime. There's so much to learn from these times, unfortunately it takes a lot more than it really should for me to realize God's sovereignty. But in the end, I will be better for it, I do know that.
A good friend/mentor said to me very recently that it's kind of like gardening. When the spring comes, the gardener has to put a lot of work into the garden, turning over the soil after the harsh winter and making it rich and ready for recieving plants and seeds. I think you can catch the comparison, God's the gardener, I'm the garden. Jesus said something pretty close to that too. The soil must get tired of being turned over so much, but the gardener is relentless in what he does because he knows what it takes to make the end product healthy and beautiful.
But when the heat of the summer sun comes and the rain refreshes the ground, the garden reaches full bloom and it's far more beautiful and vibrant than a dead patch of ground. The shovel digs deep, but the result will be beautiful.

You gotta get a little mud on the tires....

2006-05-15T23:26:00.000-06:00

Something I am learning in possibly the hardest way possible right now is that in order for a good thing to happen, you have to work really hard at it.
If you want to lose weight, you have to work for it. If you want to get built, you have to work. If you want to succeed in a job, you have to work at it. If you want relationships to be beneficial and work well, you have to WORK for it and not just run when things get hard.
Sometimes there is just such a huge temptation to up and run, or turn and hide in the darkest corner you can find. Here's the question of the century....what happens when you turn and run? Whatever it is that you're running from may follow you...but even more than that, you end up running in the direction from which you came. Sometimes that ends up working out for our good, if we were going the wrong way in the first place, but what if you weren't going the wrong way, you were just not paying attention fully to where you were going and then you realized all of a sudden where you were and got scared?
Maybe the rough things are to be faced and not to be run from. What kind of reputation can you build if you run? It doesn't seem to build a good case for someone to trust you if that's what you're known for doing. So many times I just want to run, but thoughts like that come to mind and they push me to actually face the situation.
Unfortunately I have chosen to run in the past, and some big ones have hit as a result, but if you face it and deal with whatever it is head on, yeah maybe the fight will leave you a little or even a lot broken and bruised, but at least you actually dealt with it and didn't just run to try and avoid the issue.
At the moment, I just want to drop and run and it wouldn't end up being the good kind of running. It would do more harm than good I think.
Maybe I'm too spacey and think too much. Maybe I should just shut my brain off and then things won't bother me or be a problem for me. Or even better, shut my heart off so I won't feel anymore, that'll just solve everything because I'm so driven by my heart that it gets in the way.
Now of course those are all completely absurd, and I say them with a hint of sarcasm, fully knowing that that's not the way to deal with it all. But man it sure would be nice to just shut off for a while.
Oh wait, I've done that before and then all you have in the end of that is a bunch of crap that you've ignored for a period of time that still has yet to be dealt with...
Time heals all wounds, that's bull. God heals wounds in time. Have you ever thought of it that way? Cause I sure haven't until just now. Time does nothing, it just gets used to do good.
So bottom line? God can choose to heal in as much time as he so desires, sometimes it's quicker than others, sometimes it takes different shapes than others. Interesting thought.
I think so at least.

Sometimes it hurts to heal...

2006-05-08T20:24:00.000-06:00

There's a country song, I can't remember for the life of me who sang it, but it's called "Life's a dance". The one line that always makes me think is in the chorus and is as such: "Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow".
You learn as you go...that's a scary thought for me. I'm the kind of person who just wants to know everything now and not have to learn as I go, learning scares me because it will likely mean I have to be somewhat vulnerable and admit that I don't know it all.
What's even worse is that sometimes that "learning" involves things you don't even want to deal with.
Lots of times I've put myself in that predicament, where I have to be hurt in order to move forward. It's like taking the flu shot and experiencing the temporary symptoms of the flu so that it doesn't hit you full on later.
Sometimes you have to become sick in order to stay healthy in the long run.
That's a lesson that's not the easiest to accept or even deal with while you're living it out.
Sometimes the things we think are the greatest things ever are the very things that hold us back from really moving ahead. Not that those things are bad in themselves, but the way we treat them or view them can throw things off quite a bit.
I've learned these things all too recently and all too deeply. The very things that brought me some kind of joy turned out to be the very things that were causing me to ignore some much larger issues that needed to be dealt with. Those things that brought me joy were incredible, but I did not view them properly because of the rest that wasn't being acknowledged.
The thing is that things would not have gotten better, I would have been completely stuck not being satisfied, not being fulfilled by those things because I was placing to much stock in them. They were good things, absolutely, no question about it, but for that reason I refused to deal with the pile of manure that sitting directly in front of me.
Unfortunately sometimes other people get caught having to deal with that pile of manure that we refuse to deal with.
I think that happened, but I think true forgiveness has been happening, and will continue to happen. In that the real healing process, the real growth can flourish.
Once you realize the need to be forgiven, I mean really realize it, that you've messed up, that you've been wrong, and you need someone to forgive you, that takes you down to your knees.
I read somewhere that true repentence comes from God and it's from that that we can be really made new. Forgiveness comes, but progress hesitates until humility occurs in us. And that true repentence is an incredible feeling. It hurts, so bad. But the healing that comes is like nothing else you could experience.
I'm only beginning to realizeso many incredible things from God. I'm only beginning this new learning process that is taking me places I never thought I would go, but it's one thing that I will jump into fully because God's showing me what true freedom is like, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

From the mind of Ted Unham

2006-03-21T16:19:00.001-06:00

So I went to Legacy Youth Conference this last weekend and it honestly felt like a million things happened within the course of a couple days. There's nothing quite like being in your own city but not going home for a few days. It's always fun to stay in a hotel and hang out with a bunch of high school students for a weekend.
This time, however, was my first time not being involved in a big way in putting the weekend together and being a leader/pastor with my group. It's a whole different perspective than I've had before, because I've never been in the audience, I've always been behind the scenes, or in the scenes.
It's a whole different ball game actually getting to talk to the kids who are being affected by what's being done and hearing the things they are learning. It's really great to hear what God does in people's hearts through a weekend like that. I enjoyed it, and I was surprised at what God taught me as well.
This isn't incredibly deep or long, I just wanted to get something up here.

Long Time No Talky

2006-03-13T17:34:00.000-06:00

As I sit here in my bedroom in Calgary I struggle to write a paper that I need to finish before the day is out. I have had no trouble whatsoever writing other things but this paper will not flesh itself out for me. If only history papers were as easy as writing down thoughts for other to read, then I would have no difficulty at all in doing so.
It has certainly been too long since I had written anything on this blog. My intention when I started it was to continue on in my blogging so as to have a regular routine of doing so. It's good to get your thoughts out of your head sometimes.
Much has certainly happened since I wrote last as well. I have been accredited for ministry in Canada, that's one of those relief moments when everything becomes easy again for a moment. The issues arising from that particular week in history are now involving my place of residence and my career. I may be moving sooner than I had originally anticipated, oddly enough I think I'm alright with it. Now my difficulty with life is, where will it continue for me? I have no clue right now.
This whole state of suspension where you don't really know what is what yet is not necessarily a bad place to be sometimes. There is a lot to learn from times like this. I've discovered so much about myself, about my girlfriend about our relationship, and about God's direction than I could have ever imagined. This is all really good stuff. It's not fun at times but there's a lot of character building opportunities that can be found.
I find myself not thinking so abstractly right now, I still do, but at this point in time my thoughts are very practical, thinking in timelines as to when I would like things to occur, with whom and where. I've dropped below the clouds and have come back to earth I guess you could say, for the time being.
But I best be getting back to work....

Perspective comes from weird places

2006-02-02T23:51:00.000-06:00

I will not likely write too much this time around, but I am hoping to post stuff on this one a little more often than on my previous blogging attempt.
I just got back from a retreat at a camp with a bunch of other youth pastors, the Youth Pastor's Retreat as a matter of fact. I've been once before as an intern, and I loved it then, it's a blast talking with other guys doing the same thing you do and learning a few things along the way. It was slightly different this time around because I was not an intern and so I kinda felt left out in the cold in some ways. I'm only a part time worker in my current youth ministry, which isn't a bad thing, but it's just somehow a factor that plays into the way you connect when at such a gathering.
I also have this problem with connecting with adults, I have no problem talking with youth and making them feel welcome or just having regular conversation with them, but when it comes to adults, it's like this weird curtain comes down in front of me and I pretend like nobody can see me. I'm not really sure why that is.
Regardless of that junk, the point is, I learned a few things over the last couple days, some things that are positive things that are really exciting to think about, but some things that are slightly frightening to ponder because you know it's going to take work that you don't want to do.
I find it interesting how God gives us perspective from so many different sources. It could be just listening to others conversing around you about different aspects of life and ministry and a light turning on in your mind, or maybe it's a sermon illustration that gives you a different angle on something you've known forever, or even the thoughts that come into your own mind that make you step back and observe yourself and realise there's a few things that needed attention last month but somehow you forgot all about it (I'm talking about stuff about yourself, not junk you have to do). God reveals himself in ways that will likely not ever really make sense to me, and the ironic thing is, I'm ok with that. The irony of it is that I love to know everything, and so not knowing something normally throws me way off of where I should be, but this time it doesn't.
It's tough admiting things about yourself when God does actually reveal them to you. It's hard to admit that I'm prideful, that I have little discipline right now, that I seek attention like nobody's business. Interesting how those things are rarely hidden from others like they are from us.
Perspective comes from weird places, but then the real issue is....what happens when you gain that perspective? Do you ignore it and keep going (all too often that's me)? Do you allow that change in thinking to persuade everything you do? Do you pray and ask God for the direction and action towards a nobler goal?
I think there's some pretty obvious wrong answers and unfortunately some pretty ambiguous right ones. It's fun figuring life out isn't it?

Ted Unham's first blog

2006-01-23T16:01:00.000-06:00

There's a first time for everything and today I had another first, I actually voted. This is not actually the first time I have been eligible to do so, however it is the first time I have felt the urge to jump on the political bandwagon.
But who really cares whether I voted for the first time or not, what's really important is that I am very quickly approaching my next birthday, and by quickly I mean it is tomorrow.
Many times have I celebrated a birthday, this time is strange, like all the others, in its own little way. It does not seem like I'm older. There seem to be many birthdays in one's life which could be referred to as "milestones" such as; 10, the first age of double digits; 13, the first teen year; 16, who knows why; 18, finally an adult; 20, no longer a teen; 30;40;50; and so on. The age of 23 is in between milestones, there's nothing really different or special about it, it just means you're older.
It's somewhat interesting how people tend to reflect back and look ahead around their birthdays, even other people's birthdays. This one for me is one of looking ahead moreso than anything. The reason why this time is unique is because I am now facing life outside of school, I haven't known the feeling of that since I was 4 years old and I don't really remember it.
There have been recent days where I have wished to revert back to younger years so that responsibility would be lost to me and the concern of making a living would be non-existent in my mind. How fortunate was I to be a child and not have to worry about eating, or any kind of necessities, they were simply available.
Now at this point in my life I can only hope that I will indeed be able to supply that kind of security to my future family. I can't wait for school to be finished, but the thought of not being in school is so frightening I think I'll try to take advantage of my final days of somewhat stress free living and enjoy myself as much as I can.